I love the whole hero thing. No man is a hero to his wife if he totally disregards her feelings.

It is great to be a hero and save the world but if you can't be a hero to your own family, you are missing the boat.

My husband has always been everybody's hero but mine. do I respect him for that? hell no. If you aren't a hero in your own home, you aren't a hero at all. If you can't be a hero to those who truly love you, want you and need you, you aren't a hero.

Sorry. I am a little bitter tonight.

Lucy please don't get me started

Martin:

You have done great things for others. Now, you have a choice. You can choose to stay and support your wife or let her find the supportshe needs elsewhere. Love and marriage are about support and compromise. She supported you. She deserves the same from you. You have it in you, the question is what do you want?

Love her. Don't treat her as if she does not matter. Same with your daughter.

Just a thought folks. Do not take this as disagreement with what has been said thus far, but I do wonder How our answers would be the same if we were coming from South African culture. We have answered from our cultural viewpoint. Are there differences between our cultures that might temper our statements were we South African? I don't know, but a wife should be loved, supported, cherished and given priority. A daughter also.

Don't worry Jim,
it looks that there are many similarities between two cultures so answers would be more or less the same.
But I've checked how is everything at Martin's blog and here are some news from him:

Hi Guys

I have been off line for a while and I am sorry about that. Internet, great when it works and a real bitch when it doesn't.

It is going well with me and the progress of life is interesting. I feel that my CSA issues are slowly falling behind me and that I am finally Able to move on and lead a "normal" life. The wife (now estranged) doesn't fell this of course but I have come to the conclusion that this is her healing path, she needs to deal with this.

Well Guys I will try and keep you all more up to date in future, hoping that the internet provider will keep my line working.

Heal well all
Martin

http://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/p/how-i-feel-today.html

How about to give him some support there?
Pero

Hi all

I am truly sorry for this, but these posts have not been mine. I have been out of the house for a month now and have had no Internet connectivity.
My wife hijacked my account and posted all of this.

I do however recognize that she has done this from a standpoint of hurt and pain. I am not upset with her or any of the responses I have read thus far.

Just to clarify. I HAVE NOT HAD AN AFFAIR, OR CHEATED ON HER AT ALL. This affair story stems from a girl that I am counselling for AA. I have terminated the sessions.
I have been "faithful" to my wife for 20 years, bearing in mind the porn and online dating addictions, but have never physically cheated on her.

I want to apologize for her indiscretion, it was a little disingenuous to pose as me in a post, but it has given me insight to how she feels at present.

Thanks all for responding, I will after this event change my password so as to prevent any further hijacks and character assassination attempts.

Chat soon all

Heal well
Martin (The real one)

Again...wow...!

There are so many rich lessons in this! Where to begin?

First, I am so relieved that Whome, the beloved champion of survivors AND supporters, is NOT the fraud I was introduced to in this post! Whew!

I desperately seek SURVIVORS at MS in order to contrast them (you) with the VICTIMS and the ABUSERS as I gauge my husband's recovery. The trauma of his infidelity (which lead to the discovery/disclosure of his CSA) left me stripped of trust in my own judgement and perception of everything- but especially in regard to my understanding of the one person I thought I knew best. As I rebuild trust in my own ability to assess his recovery, the men of MS are my "flashcards". If I hold up a "Whome" flashcard and compare it to my beloved, I see similarities. Because I perceive and judge Whome to be on a healthy, honest, mature, loving path to wholeness,seeing what you model being modeled in my beloved helps me to trust the path he is on, and gives me hope and assurance that he has left behind the "victim" and "abuser" he was, and is a true survivor. If he is a survivor, I am safe to continue to support him; I am safe to trust in the future of our marriage.

With this fraud "Whome" post, you became, to me, the dangerous SOB who had deceived me for so long. You were revealed as an abuser- FAR from a survivor. Because "you" had shown me that, once again, I can not trust my judgement or perceptions, darned near the entire system of confidence and trust in my husband I'd built collapsed. If I could have been so wrong about Whome, then I am likely wrong about my husband; therefore, I am in danger!!! I hit the brakes, pulled tightly around me my "all-these-men-are-dangerous-pigs" armor and went into a bit of a tailspin. It took me a couple of days to separate my beloved from the "pack of dogs", and refocus on the very real changes he's accomplished. I'm sure I'm using too many words, as is my handicap (sorry), but this situation, though it was a HUGE trigger, provided a valuable lesson for me!

That having been said, I'm glad you are still you, Martin!

Now, more importantly,...how to help your howling-in-pain, suffering wife...? Your kind and gentle reflection on her actions are validation of your healing and growth. Truly, a victim of CSA can't become a survivor unless he/she can empathize lovingly with another's pain. Your comment above exemplifies your capacity for compassion! I have confidence in you, Martin, that you will see her "portrayal" of you for what it truly is: a call for help and a roadmap for what she desperately needs from you.

Ironically, as all of this unfolded in the background this week, some of the MS wives revealed amongst ourselves the ways we had "lost our minds" in dealing with the blows delivered by our husbands. We each revealed actions we'd taken that were fueled by the deepest rage and most profound pain we'd ever, EVER experienced. We agreed that we are ashamed of the things we did in response to that fury, and wholeheartedly shared the fact that our mental state, at that time, was positively terrifying to us (my eyes fill with tears as I remember being taken over by an insanity that left me physically sick and completely exhausted). If it will help your beloved, I am happy (though not proud) to tell her of the things I did, so perhaps she will come to understand her actions in posting as you, do NOT define her, but are merely a symptom of her very real pain.

So much more...! Such valuable lessons learned because of this! Thank you, Martin. Thank you, Mrs. Whome. May God allow you both a measure of comfort in knowing how you have unwittingly helped another suffering soul gain further understanding on the path of recovery. May you be healed a hundred fold!

With Compassion, Love and Relief-
herowannabe

we try not to compare survivors, thier stories, their recovery...all roads are different....different time frames..differnt destinations ect.

I hear what you said about not trusting yourself, but caution judging progress based on others progress...survivors live the game of snakes and ladders.

Any other thoughts I'll let go, as they wont be appreciated

Whome,

U both are working through some serious trust issues and hurt...I still hope in all this you are able to be a dad to your daughter, and be there for her even if your not living in the home. She should be one of your main priorities, before the web and others even at AA.

Yup! And supporters live the game of holding the ladder steady for the survivor without getting re-bitten by the snakes.

Whome's situation taught me that my survivor is further up the ladder than I imagined, and that there's now room on the ladder for me to begin climbing up and away from the snakes, too!

I love a lesson learned!
herowannabe

Sometimes besides our wives/partners and SO's, we need other survivors to hold the ladder for us...That's what MS has helped teach me along with my recovery friends...Its not all up to our partners to hold that ladder...its just not fair to put all that on the partner and its not sustainable in the long run...often resentment will come from always holding the ladder.

I love my wife very dearly but she cant meet all my recovery needs, she can meet a bunch of them and has, but not all of them.

Likewise, I can also help her understand best I can, but I cant do it all and be the only support she has either.

One of the reasons its crutial for ME personally, to speak to some supporters to help understand some things...I'm lucky I have a few to help me, one of them the great "Poppy"...so sad shes not here anymore for her thoughts and views.