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#390252 - 03/22/12 05:57 PM Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
There's a gentleman that I've been talking to only for a few weeks now and he brought it to my attention about his CSA on our date. Wasn't a blow back or anything, in fact, I kinda knew that he had some history of it for some reason. He also explained to me how his partner didn't want to be intimate with him because of his nature in bed. He is very "rude" in bed actually and one night, he told me that he wanted me to rape him. That didn't bold well for me even if he means the fantasy of it.

A few weeks later I get sick and tell him we have to wait until I get better and he told me how he doesn't care. He wants me to give him my sickness. I was willing to do it too simply because he wanted me to, but I just wound up dismissing it and not even thinking about it. A friend of mine let me know that this guy is bad news and how I should keep my distance from him. I don't wanna do that either but I also don't want to be with someone who is going to press me about harming him in bed. I didn't like being harmed during my molestation and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.

I'm not obligated to help him and his "rudeness" isn't cut out for something long term. I don't understand his fascination in being dominated in bed or being hurt. I even let him borrow one of the books I had read, but he's having trouble being reading it. So, I'm asking myself, "where do I go from here?"

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#390350 - 03/23/12 10:44 AM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: h.beat,h.break]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 411
Loc: west coast
some females have a "rape or being dominated" fantasy.

Anything safe by 2 consenting adults is fine if it works for both. Personally I hate poppers and cannot understand their widespread use.

So its great that he feels comfortable enuf with you to share this fantasy. it is also understandable who this could trigger you. So not all fetishes mesh. If you can suspend your personal apprehension and be as dan savage says GGG. Good giving and game or something like that then go for it. But it is not something that works for you, its best to say right up front rather than go along even tho you dont want to. Thats the part that would repeat the abuse pattern.

Sex has to be about connection and pleasure. If this is not a scenario you enjoy, then it sort of defeats the purpose. You dont have to understand his fascination cuz it may be just his thing, you just have to decide whether you wanna be part of it or not.

Keep us posted.

Cheers

grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#390353 - 03/23/12 10:52 AM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: 1lifenow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1448
I found Grant's explanation quite coherent, enlightened and stated with a wonderful respect for a particularly delicate subject.

It was so good, in fact, that I will only add that I have nothing to add.

_________________________
Eirik




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#390362 - 03/23/12 11:53 AM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: Chase Eric]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
"But it is not something that works for you, its best to say right up front rather than go along even tho you dont want to. Thats the part that would repeat the abuse pattern.

Sex has to be about connection and pleasure. If this is not a scenario you enjoy, then it sort of defeats the purpose. You dont have to understand his fascination cuz it may be just his thing, you just have to decide whether you wanna be part of it or not."


I don't normally come into this forum, but thought I'd stop in for this one....hope its ok.

The words above, Remy, are spot on....Don't victimize/revictimize yourself. I see nothing good for you in acting out that fantasy for him, It will make you feel things you don't need to revisit from your past...IMHO, I hope thats ok...will delete if you want.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390365 - 03/23/12 12:17 PM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: Chase Eric]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
"But it is not something that works for you, its best to say right up front rather than go along even tho you dont want to. Thats the part that would repeat the abuse pattern.

Sex has to be about connection and pleasure. If this is not a scenario you enjoy, then it sort of defeats the purpose. You dont have to understand his fascination cuz it may be just his thing, you just have to decide whether you wanna be part of it or not."


I don't normally come into this forum, but thought I'd stop in for this one....hope its ok.

The words above, Remy, are spot on....Don't victimize/revictimize yourself. I see nothing good for you in acting out that fantasy for him, It will make you feel things you don't need to revisit from your past...IMHO, I hope thats ok...will delete if you want.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390650 - 03/25/12 02:56 AM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: Castle]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:35 PM)

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#390808 - 03/26/12 11:27 AM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: wgrrcb]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I appreciate all of the responses, guys. Thanks a lot for your participation into this topic.

One thing that I should have mentioned (bc I initially typed this in from my cell phone) was that the rape idea wasn't mentioned until the second date when we were making out pretty heavy. I can get pretty "rude" myself, but not on the level that he would like (being raped).

This is definitely something that will be discussed about before we see each other again. That being said, I don't mind a little roughness from time to time, but I will not participate in an act that is triggering to me.

Thanks again for the replies. They are all greatly appreciated.

Remy
_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#391949 - 04/02/12 08:10 PM Re: Where do I go from here? Possible Triggers [Re: h.beat,h.break]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1353
Hi HB,

Sorry to see this thread so late.

I concur with what everyone has said.

But there is something else that caught my attention -- he said he wanted you to make him sick.

There are people in this world who want to be made sick, and some want to be made sick with the deadliest of diseases.

When I first read about this I was aghast. (I found out about this culture from a computer I acquired and there were discussions of one party wanting to be made HIV+ by the other.)

*Why* would someone want this?

Then answer is, the person feels so insignificant about their life that they believe that being sick, by any means, will bring them the attention and caring they otherwise lack.

To me that seems to be an extreme way of getting a few basic needs met, but it happens, and more frequently than any of us are aware.

Which brings me to another point ..... if he is desperate to get sick, and he doesn't care if it is something relatively innocuous like bronchitis, or something much more severe, he might seek to have this need fulfilled elsewhere, and he might not take precautions while with you.

Your friend needs serious help, but he is not yet in a place to be able to see that.

I would not engage in his fantasies. It would be to revictimize and retraumatize yourself, and it would do the same to him.

You might also want to speak to him about how far he is willing to go to get sick, and what that means for him.

Please be safe.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#392001 - 04/03/12 01:40 AM * [Re: Anomalous]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:02 PM)

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