I'm at a point in my recovery where I accept whatever my sexual expression is (whether it is imposed by CSA, or distorted, or my own true authentic self). Because of my sexual orientation, I've learned that it has given me the gift of recovery and insight and compassion and self acceptance.
o true! Am I gay because the floodwaters of my sexuality were diverted right out of the gate? Has that river carved its own channel, so deeply entrenched into the geography of my character that all my attempts to change its course are futile?T
hen so be it! The man that distorted my sexuality has left me many years ago. I am left with what I became - with who I had to become to survive and thrive. I cannot undo what he did. But I can blossom with what he left me. When I embrace my sexuality, I am embracing ME, and saying goodbye to HIM.T
he alternative is to wage war against myself
- as if I was fighting him
. That is a battle that I am convinced cannot be won. And by indulging in that fight, I am sure to deny myself love, peace and happiness - and am sure to keep his ghost alive within me. And if I let him, he will haunt me to my grave.