Newest Members
RepressedMem, jet_step, JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut
12468 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
AndyP (48), Gaius (50), JoziSA (52), mmafan66 (48), nltsaved (36), RMM (52), Steve63 (51), zenboy (51)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 22 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12468 Members
74 Forums
64030 Topics
446834 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#390470 - 03/24/12 02:42 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: onlyakid]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Kid,

She's an adult. FWB is okay. But, let me warn you. Friends that have sex and that's it sometimes can make you feel like a hooker. Make you feel used. Hurt your self-worth. I've been there. I was bipolar so anything was fun. I sometimes felt like a hooker. If you're okay with that and just want some loving, have fun. Just don't be a prick doing it. Let her know upfront it's just sex.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#390507 - 03/24/12 10:41 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: phoenix321]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I must confess given my own history my advice will be different.

I have no idea what "dating" exactly means, in fact to my knolidge I've never dated anyone in my life. I've been out to various places, dinner, coffee, concert, cinema etc with female friends, indeed I did this just last week, but never has there really been a suggestion of anything else.

on that basis things can be fun and I'd advise as much,whether she is overweight or not, indeed a rather close female friend of mine is distinctly! over weight and someone who i never considder as physically pleasant (and that from someone who finds nearly all women betwene about 18 and 45 attractive in some way, indeed so much so it makes little to no difference to what I think of someone), yet she's a good friend.

I freely admit my decision to give up on the entire relationship thing completely has not been easy, and has come with a lot of regret and frustration, but now, a couple of years after taking it, I find myself far happier, far more able to relate to people, and though i still have regrets when I see a couple who have the sort of experience that I've wanted, they are far less.

There are after all a lot more interesting things in life than just relationships, and I'd advise you to make friends and concentrate on those things, rather than get caught up in the hole social push that glorifies s/x and romantic ideals as the be all and end all of our relations with others.


Top
#390518 - 03/24/12 12:36 PM Re: My Co-worker [Re: dark empathy]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1353
Hi OnlyAKid,

I can empathize with you about the not knowing how to do the dating thing. I am also in that position.

When a woman wanted to meet me a year ago, I was nervous as heck. My first inclination was to say "no." As I spoke to my friends, seeking their opinions and advice, I started to think of things in a different way.

My biggest fear was that she was going to want things to get sexual. She had already told me she didn't have any hang-ups in that area and that she hadnt' dated for a while.

I was terrified!!!

By the way, I wasn't physically attracted to her, either.

One piece of advice my friends and my T gave me was to keep the date/ meeting VERY PUBLIC. Go to a very busy park, movie theater, diner, etc. Someplace where there was NO possiblity of being alone and havign things possibly go further than I wanted (or was ready to have happen).

We went to the dog park. We decided to go in separate vehicles. Afterward, we agreed to go to the diner for a late breakfast.

Much to my surprise, it was fun. I had a great time and I learned that she had a spontaneous and zany sense of humor.

What really surprised me was what happened over the next few weeks and months.

Although we spoke on the phone (she mostly spoke about problems with her boss), I found myself wanting to be with her in that special way.

I kept vascillilating between the "I'm not attracted to her" idea as well. I have to admit I'm not the picture of attractiveness, either.

But those issues are superficial. It is what is in a person's heart and in their character that matters.

We never did get together in that way, becuase of my being terrified. As a result, she decided to start dating another guy.

I kicked myself for a long time -- not for not taking that step, but for at least not telling her that I had difficulties and possibly working things out so we could go much slower.

Do not think of this as a situation that must become sexual. And do not trivialize it into a FWB situation, either.

Who cares if she is overweight? Weight can be lost.

What matters is the person she is on the inside. You want someone caring and funny and who is accepting. The rest is superficial.

My advice to you is to go out.

Keep things light. Go someplace very public so there isn't any opportunity for hte two of you to have a lot of "private" time and for you to then feel backed into a corner.

If you can't think of a very public place to go, go on a double date with friends who know you want to keep it light.

If you go to eat, make it a late breakfast or lunch. Dinner might be "too suggestive" at this point.

Find out the things she likes before hand -- perhaps you can bring some music, etc. you can both enjoy.

Keep the pressure low.

Go have fun.




Anomalous



Edited by Anomalous (03/24/12 12:38 PM)
Edit Reason: Corrected sentence
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

Top
#390628 - 03/24/12 11:19 PM Re: My Co-worker [Re: onlyakid]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 406
Loc: OH
Speaking from experience I can say that getting into a relationship just for sex does not work out for you in the end. Neither does pretending to be attracted to someone just so you can share intimacy with them on a physical or emotional level. This is just another way of lying to yourself, which inevitably leads to you and quite possibly her being hurt. I don't think a date is a bad idea but I caution against rushing into anything. I am unaware of where you are at in your recovery but I know many of us struggle with our romantic lives because of the after effects of CSA. I highly recommend taking care of yourself first until you feel you want to be dating/in a relationship rather than feeling compelled to do so by society or any peer pressure.



Edited by Publius (03/24/12 11:20 PM)
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#390657 - 03/25/12 09:06 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: Publius]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Other thing is if the relationship goes bad I have to work with her. Not everyday and not all the time but it would still feel akward especially not knowing if she told any of her coworkers anything. But sometimes you have to take risks. So not sure exactly what I'm going to do. Also dont know what the reaction with be in my department, I'm sure I'll get some comments about dating a fat chick, etc. etc. Cuz people will find out, even if I tell no one in my department they will hear about it from someone.

Anyway, still up in the air but I do have to step out of my comfort zone not sure if this is the right time though.

BTW. Not exactly sure where in my recovery I am due to working on it on and off but I'd probably say somewhere in the middle. Not just starting out but not close to finishing by any means.


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#390675 - 03/25/12 11:38 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
As I said, why worry about dating at all? why not just be friends?

About %70 of my friends are female, and some are extremely close, yet I've never had a romantic relationship, nor at this point do I really believe it's necessary to have one.

I'm not sure if this is because I never learnt all the little social pickups and ability to read intentions as a teenager that your supposed to, whether nobody has been the least interested in getting closer to me than a friend (something I believe but I'm prepared to assume is my less than reliable faculty of self assessment), or indeed just the sterriotype that it's always the man who is supposed to make the first move (I've often wished I was female just for this reason), a first move which I do not think I even understand or am capable of making.

Either way, what the heck! what is so important about romantic relationships anyway? friendship and enjoyment of life is much more bennificial.

I've never really understood the school of thought that says a man and woman, ---- or for that matter two gay women or men can't just be friends with each other and there must always be some romance behind it, sinse for me, that is simply not the case, indeed one friend of mine, who is the only lady I'd ever trust to see me wearing a dressing gown and certainly the only girl I'd ever share a house with is someone who actually said back in our first year of uni (her being incredibly blunt), "I like you! but not in that way" which was fine with me sinse I felt the same thing.

What exactly is this "Dating?" and why must it be done at all, what's wrong with just being friends?


Top
#390948 - 03/26/12 11:20 PM Re: My Co-worker [Re: traveler]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I've been thinking a lot about this and tonight I got a bit excited about it. About the prospect of being desired, being wanted and it felt good but then the anxiety started. What if I screw this up what if this gets me triggered? What about my social anxiety issues?

I want to do this but I guess I'm scared. This is so messed up. I'm 33. But yet I'm 12 or 13.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#390953 - 03/26/12 11:37 PM Re: My Co-worker [Re: onlyakid]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
You can do this. You're not committing to anything - just a one-time meeting for coffee or lunch or whatever YOU decided. small steps - one at a time... try to focus on getting to know HER - prepare questions in advance so you'll have something to talk about. everyone likes someone who takes an interest in what they are interested in. Go for it!!!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#390994 - 03/27/12 09:16 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: traveler]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Well my social anxiety issues made me embarrass myself. I don't like meeting new people and one of the pharmacists brought her fiancée by the pharmacy. I came back from doing something outside and there he was. They were all talking and it took me a second to figure out who he was (I have seen pictures) and I quickly walked into the back room and then decided to leave out the back. I waited for a while doing other stuff around the hospital that kinda needed to get done. When I walked back in the pharmacy, they had left and the pharmacist who I worked with asked me where I went (not the one who brought the fiancée but another one) and I told her what I was doing and she said ok but I could tell that she didnt believe me. This is the kind of stuff that I worry about happening if I start hanging out/ dating this nurse and then that will screw things up further.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#390997 - 03/27/12 09:44 AM Re: My Co-worker [Re: onlyakid]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Onlyakid,
please take it easy, slow down and breath.
Forget completely about talks on dating, sex things, anxiety things and other scary things. There is no need for that, relax that 13 years old boy inside you, hug him and give him support smile . He doesn't need to be scared and worry, It should be fun thing. Dare to go out and discover world. You can do it man!!!
You have post recently about your niece who is much younger than you and already has had her first date, you were very disappointed with yourself at that time. Well let yourself living some dream, just one time in your life and for small wish like this one.
I think that you are more than capable to call this girl out and spent one or two hours in talking to her. There is no need for anything above that for start. Lets move with small steps forward. Repeat those words: small steps forward, I can do it...
I know that you can do it, I know that you need it and I know that you'll like it.
Take some deep breath, forget on others and all problems, you won't screw anything here. You'll build some self-worth and self-esteem. That is some issue here.
Please, please dare to try!!!
You have support of 9776 Members from MS and I will be free to represent all them here for this occasion, this is huge bunch of supportive people smile.
If there would be any problem after we will take care for everything, just stop worrying and relax! That girl could be in same thoughts and problems with herself, you both need just some talk for start, nothing more...
Believe in self!!!
Pero

xoxo

_________________________
My story

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.