Newest Members
Mike Boyd, Serenity40, markm, hans32, SilentNoLonger
12133 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
casey (45), flaredsoul (31), Madcap (29), susie24 (59)
Who's Online
5 registered (I Want 2 Thrive, pittsburgh, aniceguy, 2 invisible), 58 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12133 Members
73 Forums
62564 Topics
438373 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#390073 - 03/21/12 03:27 PM Down to the line
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Hello Everyone,

My name is Michael and I was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy from the ages of 4-7. The boy was only a couple years older than me and based on what he told me at the time ("wrestling with dad" on the bed) it seems he was abused by his father. He lured me into his basement with video games and used every textbook predator tactic ("it will feel good" "You know you like it" etc.), something I am positive he picked up from his father. In any case, when I was 7 I told my mother that **** wanted me to put his dick in my mouth, ass, and to piss on me. I guess I half came out because I did not explicitly state that he did these things. My principal said I would not have been able to describe any of it without having been subjected to it. Needless to say my mom was shocked/angry so she went to the school. After seeing me once the school psychologist told my mom I probably had not been abused but rather pressured to do things I didn't want to or something to that effect. It wasn't until this past year that I found out the day of my talk with him was the same day a former parish priest had been outed as an abuser himself...damage control I guess

Before I told my mom about what happened to me I could not sleep in my own bed, had nightmares, and told my parents "I'm no good" "I want to be dead" but afterwards stopped doing such things so everyone thought things were fine. Well, I had told so that helped but without the added benefit of therapy I was left to deal with all of the pain on my own. So I grew up with 0 confidence, thought what happened to me made me gay - almost came out to my parents before I was even pubescent! - when things went wrong in my life, especially with girls, I thought it was because I was purely bad. I barely graduated college due to severe depression and suicidal thoughts. It was not until March 2011 that I had the panic attack that may just well save my life. Two months after that I went into counseling and have been in it ever since.

Part of my coping mechanism as a child was to read books on history, philosophy, and politics. I felt if I could understand everything then I could understand myself, perhaps to the point where I could think away the pain. Naturally, when I began this process I went ahead and picked up a couple dozen books on the subject. As I read them I learned quite a bit. Unfortunately, I can't apply any of it to myself. I found out a few of my friends (male and female) were abused and I have been quite capable of listening to them, offering insight, and helping out. At times I suppose I am what they call a perfectionist/caretaker : / I am also super self-conscious and have low self-esteem. Even writing this out I am worried if I am using "I" too much, writing too much, should be typing at all, or worse yet if someone will respond with words of support and encouragement...I know it sounds weird but I don't receive compliments well - I just can't believe them : (

Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. I genuinely believe we need to spread awareness and help out victims of CSA as much as possible. The most recent literature I read put the numbers at 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being abused by 16. Today I received an email from this site putting numbers at 1 in 3 and 1 in 5 respectively. I feel like we are being pushed back on all fronts...

_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#390081 - 03/21/12 04:36 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: Publius]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1212
Oh my ....

Publius, so much of what you wrote parallels my own experience that it floors me. I, too, was molested by an older neighborhood boy. I was 12 so the dynamics were a little different but he also got to a number of the seven year old girls in our neighborhood, including my little sister. I have FINALLY been able to open a dialog with her (she was in such denial) and the things she said were so very similar to what you wrote - "I'm no good" and "I want to be dead". She said she felt like dirt, worthless.

He would say similar stuff to me as your abuser said to you. He would whine, "Everybody does it - come on." "All your friends do it." Wow - can I relate!

Even your intuition that your abuser learned from his father resonates. My molester was 3-4 years older than me and a middle brother of three. I asked him a question once (a curiosity about his anatomy) and his answer totally gave away that there MUST have been some very inappropriate stuff going on there ("All the guys in my family are like that.").

Publius, it looks like we were both swept away in a tide of another family's dirty secrets.

I can relate to almost every part of what you say - if not directly than through listening to my sister.

Don't worry about your writing - it's fine! And the most meaningful "support and encouragement" I can give you is not "hugs" or "you're a strong person" or any of that other stuff, true as it may be. The best thing I can say is "I've been there, brother." That's what this site is all about.



Edited by Chase Eric (03/22/12 10:55 AM)
Edit Reason: Edited for brevity
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#390109 - 03/21/12 07:49 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: Publius]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Welcome Michael, Publius!

Glad you found us. We are a caring, supportive, and empathetic group. We and you are not alone. We are all in this together, to get healthy and strong.

Therapy is a difficult and painful path, but well worth the time and guidance of a trained therapist (T). Then we can come here to share or get support from each other.

Take your time getting familiar with the site and I hope to meet you in the chat lounge. You are among 'knowing' friends here.

take care

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
#390159 - 03/22/12 12:46 AM Re: Down to the line [Re: Publius]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Welcome Michael. I'm glad you have found this resource as you come to grips with what happened to you and how it affects your adult life.

I am very sorry for what you had to endure and how it affects you to this day. We can all relate to one degree or another because we are all survivors.

I have only been on this board for a couple of months now, and even though I have a great therapist who has helped me tremendously, this board has helped me in many more ways because we are all brothers and know the pain and it's effects on us. There is a difference between having book knowledge and having knowledge because of experience and that has been healing to me just to confirm I am not the only one who went through the horrors. I hope you find that too.

Welcome again brother and best wishes on your healing journey.

Alex


Top
#390186 - 03/22/12 08:28 AM Re: Down to the line [Re: Forexpreneur]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Publius, welcome to MS!
Oh boy, you gave me some familiar insight with your introduction. Your words describing your try to understand world and to learn as much as possible are totally familiar with me. I've been on same quest for many years now. Hang on there bro. You've certainly learned many good things and I'm sure that you could use it and help yourself. It is difficult to believe in self, we all have some inefficiencies there but it is possible to win that battle. I'm glad that you have joined us. Please keep sharing as much as possible, we all have a lot to learn from each other. Explore all resources that are available here and ask questions.
Here is one recent good thread about self compassion, read it and dare to discover some self-worth :):
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=389754#Post389754
Be Well!
Pero

_________________________
My story

Top
#390194 - 03/22/12 10:22 AM Re: Down to the line [Re: peroperic2009]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Hey Publius,

I couldn't agree more about spreading awareness. This is overlooked far too much and to be honest people are very naive about the effects of CSA. I have found that in general they don't understand that this is a long standing destructible effect on the survivor and more so if they have not been given the support and help needed when it mattered (like yourself) leaving the abuse to eat their soul and leave them completely empty.

It is hard to actually give yourself any self worth, recognition, pat on the backs etc etc when you have been told for so long (in my case) and made to feel (in your case) that you are worthless, unloveable, damaged goods, failure, poison etc etc. It has taken me 25yr to b able to look in the mirror and say "yeah I am worthy!" and dont get me wrong I still have more bad days than good where I slip back!

No one can 'understand' unless they have been through it themselves but what I find totally shocking here in the UK is that the Law's are all for the perpetrators. They seem to think a 4yr sentence is sufficient after sexually abusing a child for best part of 8yr on a daily basis without any rehab work completed while being incarcerated and then let out after only serving 13 month!and needless to say my partner was not the only one targeted. There were at least three others he knew of who were being abused at the same time, this man sexually abused his foster brother 30 yr previous, and god knows however many other children after my partner!

His perpetrator pleaded guilty and he has just found out he is to be released in July 2012, free to roam where ever he pleases as the victim liaison officer informed him that he is only going to be in secure accommodation until October and then only has to report to the police to sign the SOR! as my partner put it yet another violation! Why aren't the effects and actions of this taken seriously! This is life destroying never mind soul destroying for survivors! What happened to the human rights of the victims, what about their right to a life free of torture! Their right to a family life! Why arent these people given the sentences they deserve! I'm a firm believer in most cases perpetrators are not rehabilitative, I would like to be proven wrong, however, past history tells me a different story!

Keep going Publius.....You'll find the light at the end of the tunnel ;-) xx


Top
#390423 - 03/23/12 07:05 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: Kazbob12]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Publius-

I'm so sorry for all you've suffered. I am not a survivor, but am a supporter of my survivor husband. I am also a mother, and my maternal heartstrings just want to reach out and hug you.

In spite of (or because of) all you've gone through, you have become such a beautiful soul: humble, caring, gentle, wise and honest. I hope you will be greatly helped by the fine survivors here at MS.

Should you ever feel the need for some mothering, I am in good company at the F&F board, where there are many of us who would be honored to support and encourage you along the way!

Be well, sweet soul!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#390520 - 03/24/12 12:38 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: Chase Eric]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Thank you for your reply Chase. It really means a lot to me that you were willing to share your story as well and to join me in our mutual struggle to reclaim what is truly ours. It's just so damn hard that I basically have to take it on faith that things will get better. But I still believe and will continue fighting!

_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#390521 - 03/24/12 12:41 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: pbert53]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Thanks Paul! It is that very "empathy" I came here and will eventually go to a support group in order to find. No matter how much my therapist knows about abuse or how supportive my friends and family try to be (something I am quite lucky to have) being amongst you all brings about a whole new therapeutic experience : )

_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#390522 - 03/24/12 12:44 PM Re: Down to the line [Re: Forexpreneur]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Thank you Alex it means quite a bit to me to hear you say this board will be helpful. One of the most frightening thoughts I have is that, having read all those books and being in therapy, that none of it will help. Having repressed all of these horrible memories for over twenty years once they came out my confidence dropped to zero, I felt depressed, AFRAID, and unsure on how to go about healing. I know we can help each other out just by listening and sharing!

_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.