One thing I would find interesting in a lot of these cheating husbands is; When did they disclose? Before or After getting busted.

I never got busted for anything cept being sub-par in the bed and denying 7-years of getting butt-fkt by every guy in the hood.

But I disclosed because I felt apart. I disclosed because I was being self-centered again; That is, I thought the cascade of flashbacks were gonna kill me, and I thought the "alive me" would be worth more than the million $ I was worth dead.

Then I got crazy self-centered...and had grand illusions of seeking a voice and justice for the boy I was. I figured it was a fringe-benefit of disclosure. Finally, I can tell people what happened.

Outcome: I lost every f-ing thing possible. My dignity was once again ground into dust. The sexual abuse was once again used as a weapon. I lost everything.
Everything.

I lost

everything.

Would I disclose today? NO WAY! I'd take the bullets found in toughing-it-out. There is not one civilization (phunnie word "civilization") on this rock that treats the adult male survivor with an ounce of dignity and/or regard.

My husband of course did not disclose his acting out. It was discovered.

Then the explanation of the abuse.

You have huge courage, disclosing for the purpose of explanation as to why you were going through such hard times and not becuase you had no choice cause you were busted for huge betrayals on the marriage.

I admire you greatly. Many, many men and women do not come out of the shadows. Kudos to you.

I am not sure why your wife turned on you. Do you know? Seems so unfair to me. You were treated so poorly by her. Has she ever told you why?

This world would be a different place without your courage Robbie.

From our group, seems the consequences of infidelity, for most of our situations, triggers the disclosure. (Notice I said most...) And I often wonder why... have wondered that in writing on these pages....

My husband says it was his life began to unravel and he needed to get his act together and those secrets were part of his faulty thought processes. But who knows...

I knew of the abuse before the cheating.

He Disclosed porn addiction dec 2006
Sought treatment for that in 2007
Disclosed abuse to T in late 2007 early 2008.
He says cheating began in 2008
I didn't bust him, he left no trails to speak of, but I found out on May 22, 2011

Oh yeah, he had a point where he wished he hadn't told me. He thought my paranoia about the kids was because he was abused (vampire myth). I read more than he does, I know it's a myth. But I spent a lot of time on here, (only stopped reading survivor stories last month). If you aren't terrified of every single person interacting w your kids after learning what I've learned from this board, can you please tell me how.

I trust no one. NO.ONE. The putrid souls who do things to children hide behind very ordinary looking faces and circumstances. Im the only one I know inside and out. So I only trust me.

Wife found a book on sex addiction by Patrick Carnes in my desk at work. I think God led her to it.

She asked me about it. I came up with bs.

She asked me again later. I disclosed.

I voluntarily disclosed CSA recently because I was trying to be more open with her.

Robbie,
My husband disclosed his CSA after the infidelities and all the "other" behavior sexual addiction stuff took 2 months to disclose. The very first day he told me about seeing "professionals" and it was over the top stuff. He also told me that he has wanted to be dead since he was a kid. He felt worthless and unworthy of being married to me. All this negative self images that I had no idea still existed. I thought his issues arose from his parents divorce & being in AA since 19. As I listened to him that night I realize something much deeper and darker happened to him. So i asked him straight up. "Were you sexually abused as a child"?
He just said Yes. I held him and we cried. I asked a few questions and told him I will see this through with him. Saving my marriage. Making sure my husband survives this. Making sure I survives this. Everything. It has consumed our lives for 6 months. I'm still navigating this and he is still navigating himself.

Now you...
YOU are one amazing man. I for one am glad you've been fighting for yourself and every little boy/MAN out there that needs a voice.

Please don't ever doubt your power and strength. I've learned so much from you and I consider you an inspiration. If my husband eventually evolves into a man like you, I'd consider myself fortunate.

I'm sorry for all the horrible things done to you since you blew the lid off this. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured and continue to endure but YOU ARE CHANGING THINGS. CHANGING ATTITUDES.

I could not agree more with Annie regarding you Robbie. You are one great man!

First let's define what we mean by "acting out" - seems like a pretty big umbrella! I never acted out in the sense of a physical relationship or sexual acts with any other person. But my wife feels like i was unfaithful because i looked at porn online and practised self-stimulation for relief when i couln't perform with her. in my mind it is a bigger distinction than in hers, i think.

My disclosures came as a result of:
1st time (in my 30s) - paralyzing depression that drove me to therapy and revealed the SCA. I wasn't "acting out" in any way at that time - barely functioning like a comatose zombie.
2nd time (just months ago - 25 years later) - motivated by my wife's discovery of my 1-year-old habit of online porn viewing. As a consequence of that - i went to therapy again - and discovered that the original memories of my history were far from complete and FAR from resolved.

So i guess my score is -
1 disclosure "before getting busted"
1 disclosure "after getting busted"
BUT - the "Before" came before the "After" so the after doesn't really count - does it?

lee

Properly realistic! I love it.

You may have read it in ONE of my 5000 posts, I never heard a "no" or "no thanks" from even ONE older guy. I'm not saying 'all guys are abusers of little boys," but I sure wouldn't leave my kids with anyone.

So I'm not REAL pleased that there's a strange man in the old marital house with them now. I'm sure its irrational...but I know no other evidence.

traveler, Jim1104, Anniemy4sons, GoodHope, Esposa, lucylives: I can't thank you enough for the votes of confidence and support. I hope you don't think I was fishing for that.

I truly regret how things turned-out, and I don't think any healing was meant for me, nor sanctioned by God. Everything went SO SO bad, so very quickly, I still wake up a couple of times a night asking myself "WTF happened?" "How did I get here? How did I end-up living alone in a marginal house, flat-broke, without my children IN MY HOUSE - under MY protection...

Sorry...I understand that you find value in what I've done. I see some of that too. What I don't see is what vaporized with the disclosure. My dignity, self-worth and family.

I see women staying with cheaters, drunks, abusers, beaters, bums and vegetarians. So yeah...I stand on the side-lines, wondering Whaaaah??

"... vegetarians?" Oh my Rob, that is some kind of funny. You have that knack of taking internal traumatic abuse and opening it up to functional recovery, advocacy and humor. Classic, Rob, this really great work and play.

Sam

I'm hear all week. And hey...tip those waitresses and drive carefully!

What are you doing for your 5000th post? Hee hee

Dunno...gotta give it some thot. It will be pretty special though...and a surprise! Yeah! Special.....and.....Surprising! You'll see!

ROFLMBO!!!

"What I don't see is what vaporized with the disclosure. My dignity, self-worth and family."

Honestly Rob, I don't think there is a woman on MS who doesn't wonder how the heck your wife did what she did. And how she can live with herself today.

So we are the other extreme.... we desperately want to know how and why our husbands came apart... and that's why we are here. We are here because nothing can explain the behavior (in our minds) other than the trauma our men suffered as children. I know that personally "he's just an a*#hole" didn't get the job done.

I will add my accolades to the list for you, Robbie. We have never communicated directly but I am aware of your story. Whenever my resolve wanes or I fear my own lack of strength, I remind myself of the weakness of your wife. I have lived a life of ease and have never suffered at the hands of anything. I am afraid that I am weak. I am afraid that I will be another name on the long list of names of people that have disappointed, discounted, betrayed, or just plain tortured my husband. When I read your pain, my resolve is solidified. To try and match the strength of my husband and all survivors to greet the world anew and with hope, honesty, and will to not repeat the horrors of their own lives and to protect the next generations of children from these horrors.

I will sign up to be a soldier in your army.
I will never use this information against my husband.
I will do my best to support him.
I will accept that he is who he is and he may never change.
I will love him unconditionally.
I will accept that our life together is the only life I have a right to have an opinion about.
I will acknowledge that what he did sexually before our marriage is not a part of our marriage.
I will try to be a strong as him, although I believe that I will never come close.

Thank you to all of the men who open our eyes and strengthen our hearts to the long road of recovery. Most of us are new to this journey and are running to catch up...

Esposa is right Robbie. We've all felt the same way at some point. How anyone could behave that way towards their spouse in their time of need. It blows our minds. She took the cowards way by saying you should have told her and the whole innocence thing. Yeah, all of our husbands should have told us. But we "get" why they didn't. To not try to understand why they didn't disclose prior to marriage and then put it away is cowardice. I felt proud that my husband told me. It meant so much to me that he trusted me. I was hell bent on doing everything I could to support him in this CSA recovery and fight.

I put on my rally hat.

Took up my sword and started on the "recovery fight" with him.

Agree with that Goodhope. It sucks but I trust no one. I lost two jobs ($30k and $60k a year), shunned by religion (adios, perfect losers) and other "friends." Learned my lesson for the most part. I should've learned it when I was 3.5 years old (CSA).

Supporters,

I know this band personally as they are from the Boston area. Once, Dicky (singer) and I crossed paths in Atlanta at a Battle-of-The-Bands type event. He recognized me and pulled me aside and said, "Dude....we're the only Boston boys in this entire place."

He's a nut case and awesome!

This song can apply to any supporters here. Take a good listen to the lyrics.

LOVE THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY BOSSTONES!!

I got a good one for you.

Social Distortion Ball and Chain.

If you haven't ever read the lyrics, do so. Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NWjehpGSO0&ob=av2e

I just went into total panic: "OMG...I totally hijacked this thread.....sht sht sht sht......what an idiot I am....sht sht sht.





oh....its MY thread......nvrmnd rob....go back to sleep.

That is funny, Rob. I was just thinking how I hijacked it.

Sorry

What's your favorite color?

(There, consider yourselves hijacked)