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#390059 - 03/21/12 02:41 PM That Disclosure Topic...Again
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
One thing I would find interesting in a lot of these cheating husbands is; When did they disclose? Before or After getting busted.

I never got busted for anything cept being sub-par in the bed and denying 7-years of getting butt-fkt by every guy in the hood.

But I disclosed because I felt apart. I disclosed because I was being self-centered again; That is, I thought the cascade of flashbacks were gonna kill me, and I thought the "alive me" would be worth more than the million $ I was worth dead.

Then I got crazy self-centered...and had grand illusions of seeking a voice and justice for the boy I was. I figured it was a fringe-benefit of disclosure. Finally, I can tell people what happened.

Outcome: I lost every f-ing thing possible. My dignity was once again ground into dust. The sexual abuse was once again used as a weapon. I lost everything.
Everything.

I lost

everything.

Would I disclose today? NO WAY! I'd take the bullets found in toughing-it-out. There is not one civilization (phunnie word "civilization") on this rock that treats the adult male survivor with an ounce of dignity and/or regard.

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#390063 - 03/21/12 02:56 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
My husband of course did not disclose his acting out. It was discovered.

Then the explanation of the abuse.

You have huge courage, disclosing for the purpose of explanation as to why you were going through such hard times and not becuase you had no choice cause you were busted for huge betrayals on the marriage.

I admire you greatly. Many, many men and women do not come out of the shadows. Kudos to you.

I am not sure why your wife turned on you. Do you know? Seems so unfair to me. You were treated so poorly by her. Has she ever told you why?


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#390072 - 03/21/12 03:21 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
This world would be a different place without your courage Robbie.

From our group, seems the consequences of infidelity, for most of our situations, triggers the disclosure. (Notice I said most...) And I often wonder why... have wondered that in writing on these pages....

My husband says it was his life began to unravel and he needed to get his act together and those secrets were part of his faulty thought processes. But who knows...


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#390076 - 03/21/12 03:39 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I knew of the abuse before the cheating.

He Disclosed porn addiction dec 2006
Sought treatment for that in 2007
Disclosed abuse to T in late 2007 early 2008.
He says cheating began in 2008
I didn't bust him, he left no trails to speak of, but I found out on May 22, 2011

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Wife of a survivor

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#390077 - 03/21/12 03:48 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Oh yeah, he had a point where he wished he hadn't told me. He thought my paranoia about the kids was because he was abused (vampire myth). I read more than he does, I know it's a myth. But I spent a lot of time on here, (only stopped reading survivor stories last month). If you aren't terrified of every single person interacting w your kids after learning what I've learned from this board, can you please tell me how.

I trust no one. NO.ONE. The putrid souls who do things to children hide behind very ordinary looking faces and circumstances. Im the only one I know inside and out. So I only trust me.

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Wife of a survivor

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#390078 - 03/21/12 03:54 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: GoodHope]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Wife found a book on sex addiction by Patrick Carnes in my desk at work. I think God led her to it.

She asked me about it. I came up with bs.

She asked me again later. I disclosed.

I voluntarily disclosed CSA recently because I was trying to be more open with her.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#390098 - 03/21/12 06:53 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: Esposa]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Robbie,
My husband disclosed his CSA after the infidelities and all the "other" behavior sexual addiction stuff took 2 months to disclose. The very first day he told me about seeing "professionals" and it was over the top stuff. He also told me that he has wanted to be dead since he was a kid. He felt worthless and unworthy of being married to me. All this negative self images that I had no idea still existed. I thought his issues arose from his parents divorce & being in AA since 19. As I listened to him that night I realize something much deeper and darker happened to him. So i asked him straight up. "Were you sexually abused as a child"?
He just said Yes. I held him and we cried. I asked a few questions and told him I will see this through with him. Saving my marriage. Making sure my husband survives this. Making sure I survives this. Everything. It has consumed our lives for 6 months. I'm still navigating this and he is still navigating himself.

Now you...
YOU are one amazing man. I for one am glad you've been fighting for yourself and every little boy/MAN out there that needs a voice.

Please don't ever doubt your power and strength. I've learned so much from you and I consider you an inspiration. If my husband eventually evolves into a man like you, I'd consider myself fortunate.

I'm sorry for all the horrible things done to you since you blew the lid off this. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured and continue to endure but YOU ARE CHANGING THINGS. CHANGING ATTITUDES.



Edited by Anniemy4sons (03/21/12 06:59 PM)
Edit Reason: added sentence
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#390107 - 03/21/12 07:38 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I could not agree more with Annie regarding you Robbie. You are one great man!

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Jim
Male/USA

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#390129 - 03/21/12 10:19 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: Jim1104]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
First let's define what we mean by "acting out" - seems like a pretty big umbrella! I never acted out in the sense of a physical relationship or sexual acts with any other person. But my wife feels like i was unfaithful because i looked at porn online and practised self-stimulation for relief when i couln't perform with her. in my mind it is a bigger distinction than in hers, i think.

My disclosures came as a result of:
1st time (in my 30s) - paralyzing depression that drove me to therapy and revealed the SCA. I wasn't "acting out" in any way at that time - barely functioning like a comatose zombie.
2nd time (just months ago - 25 years later) - motivated by my wife's discovery of my 1-year-old habit of online porn viewing. As a consequence of that - i went to therapy again - and discovered that the original memories of my history were far from complete and FAR from resolved.

So i guess my score is -
1 disclosure "before getting busted"
1 disclosure "after getting busted"
BUT - the "Before" came before the "After" so the after doesn't really count - does it?

lee



Edited by traveler (03/21/12 10:20 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#390140 - 03/21/12 11:10 PM Re: That Disclosure Topic...Again [Re: GoodHope]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: GoodHope
I trust no one. NO.ONE. The putrid souls who do things to children hide behind very ordinary looking faces and circumstances. Im the only one I know inside and out. So I only trust me.


Properly realistic! I love it.

You may have read it in ONE of my 5000 posts, I never heard a "no" or "no thanks" from even ONE older guy. I'm not saying 'all guys are abusers of little boys," but I sure wouldn't leave my kids with anyone.

So I'm not REAL pleased that there's a strange man in the old marital house with them now. I'm sure its irrational...but I know no other evidence.

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