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#389757 - 03/19/12 02:05 AM How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Im on separation for almost a month now. Before this I had never realised my H has hurt me and Im sore on all sides and need to heal. Im on therapy and he has promised to attend marriage T with me. Im not sure whether to trust this promise coz he has made such in the past and would attend one or two sessions and backs off pointing fingers at me for his withdrawal. Now he seems he is ready to go now that I have put my foot down that I need space to heal on my own. We see each other daily. He's moved a street away from mine. He is hurting and so am I. I need to heal and see his committment to get help and help me heal through marriage T. But I feel pressurised by his family and his change in attitude. I had asked that we be away from each other for atleast four months but he objected and so did his family and suggested i give him a month. So each time we talk he mentions that he cant wait to be back in the comfort of his home and how he is trying his best (of which I think he is) and I feel he is pushing me to open my doors for him again. I am not ready to stay with him . How do I tell him that he needs time as well to look into his healing. He has promised to start this week but doesnt have money to see a T at the moment.

_________________________
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

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#389781 - 03/19/12 09:57 AM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: Thulas]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Lotta things come down to boundries and sticking to them...really its not up to, or involves his extended family, when he can come back...Thats between you and him. When the time is right...if its not right in 4 months, its not right...just some thoughts.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#389787 - 03/19/12 01:10 PM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: Castle]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Gently, yet firmly. smile


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#389813 - 03/19/12 04:26 PM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: mmfan]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 640
Loc: NJ
I love family pressure - if you need space, they make you feel bad for not taking him back - if you take him back, someone will make you feel bad for that too. Do you.


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#389844 - 03/19/12 08:21 PM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: Esposa]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I think gently but firmly is a good answer. It makes sense to me that there should be healing on your side and his. After my infidelity was exposed, I read tons of stuff and joined some forums. Those, plus my therapist, talked about having to go sort of through a dating process again. My wife and I did not separate, but it makes sense to be separated until YOU are comfortable coming back together. It does not matter what the rest of his family thinks. Tell the rest of his family they have no say in this.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#389845 - 03/19/12 08:24 PM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Once upon a time I'd have said, "Trust your gut, Thulas", nowadays, I say, "Trust your first instinct, Thulas". You felt, and seem to still feel good about a four month separation. Have your feelings changed?

In four months time, you will see if he's come up with the money for, and has seen a therapist. In four months time, you may have the opportunity to attend some counseling sessions together to work on marital issues before reuniting. In four months time, you may have a clearer vision for yourself and for the situation so that you can draft a "reunion agreement" to help guide your marriage back on the right track once you're under the same roof again.*

Whatever you decide, do it because it's what YOU want. Honor yourself first. Ask yourself which option might you most likely regret: sticking with the four month separation, or cutting it short. Weigh the pros and cons. You will make the best decision for yourself!!! smile

(A reunion agreement is one that you both agree to follow, and might include things like "no porn", "no missing counseling appointments", "no discussion of marital issues until kid(s) are in bed", etc.)

Blessings, sweet one!!!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#389875 - 03/20/12 12:52 AM Re: How do I tell him I am not ready to take him back [Re: herowannabe]
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Gently, yet firmly... I see the picture.
Part of me loves my husband and wants our marriage to work. Hero I like the reunion agreement idea, shud we be ready to reunite. I need to date him for now. I cant handle his anger outbursts. At least my therapy sessions have brought me to a point where I dont yell back but firmly state my point of view. It really works.

Esposa you are so right because his family wants me to take him in and my family supports my stance. Imagine if I were to act vice versa.

_________________________
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

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