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#389843 - 03/19/12 08:19 PM WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Why why why does it seem that so many of us women are asked to stand in support of our men AFTER they commit a horrible betrayal???

I now hold all of the details of my husband's abuse and I ache for that little boy and I am in awe of my husband's strength.... but then there's that little issue of his infidelity.....

That little issue brings me to my knees. I hurt so much that I often cannot even function - never mind provide him with the type of support that he needs from me. The support I am more than willing to give, if I were operational. If only I were operational....


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#389846 - 03/19/12 08:32 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I wish I had something uplifting and inspiring to say, Esposa, but I remain blown away by the selfish, cruel, hateful, egostistical men who have taken their childhood trauma and made US pay for it. I struggle to be loving and supportive and understanding and blah, blah, blah. The truth is that if the tables were turned, and it was you and me who acted out our childhood trauma (which we both have) on our husbands, they'd be LONG gone. So much for support. It's a woman's job to suck it up and give; it's a man's job to take. And take. And take.

Sorry. Feeling extremely jaded right now. I will remove this post, if it's troubling to sensitive minds. Otherwise, welcome to reality, folks.

Sorry, Esposa. I wish I could hold you up so you could rest.

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#389848 - 03/19/12 08:47 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: herowannabe]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Not having a good day today...I see I have company wink


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#389849 - 03/19/12 08:55 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
My wife is in the same boat. I feel even worse knowing that I hurt her. She is such a strong and supportive woman. We have issues now don't get me wrong. But we try to put God first now and it seems to be working. I know that the low she shows me in supporting me is a blessing. I have the best wife in the world. I know I don't deserve her and that is what makes me feel bad at times. I pray for her everyday and us. Best of luck and I hope you find the comfort you are searching for. A man in my opinion is not the bestan he can be without a good woman. Stay strong, pray, and all will work out.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#389857 - 03/19/12 10:02 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
I am somewhat comforted by your angst. I feel-and have felt-the way you do. But I don't often see that sentiment expressed here.
I didn't know about the abuse, I didn't cause it. I knew when he was depressed that something was wrong, but I neve EVER could have predicted what he had been doing. It makes me question my own skills in terms of perceiving and inferring. I wish I never knew firsthand about the painfilled world of CSA survivors. I just didn't want this to be my story.
With you.
Stay strong.
Sad


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#389877 - 03/20/12 01:24 AM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Why why why does it seem that so many of us women are asked to stand in support of our men AFTER they commit a horrible betrayal???

I now hold all of the details of my husband's abuse and I ache for that little boy and I am in awe of my husband's strength.... but then there's that little issue of his infidelity.....

That little issue brings me to my knees. I hurt so much that I often cannot even function - never mind provide him with the type of support that he needs from me. The support I am more than willing to give, if I were operational. If only I were operational....


Sorry. No offense to women here BUT.... I'm somewhat glad I never had anyone for that reason. No woman can say I took anything from them. 4 women took stuff from me including the female pedophile that raped me. I include my mom in that figure since she was raised right in the perfect little childhood on top of it and had parents she could've run to. I lost my childhood because of it. My advice---leave the prick if he doesn't make it right and get help. Don't stay for some warped sense of love like my mom. Your kids will thank you one day. Or, like me, will have hate and resentment for you if you stick around and put him before your kids. Oh, yes, they do think and feel that way. I did. Provoke not your children to wrath is wholeheartedly true.

Now, if you don't have kids that suffer in it, do as you wish. I've seen far too many women put up with all kinds of abuse. Some do have no choice. I get that. I really don't think most kids care about that when they are young though. They just think--that's what life is. Parents are adults. They chose to be where they are for the most part. Kids don't. There are 100% dependent on you. Not daddy, you.

I would love to take all the bad men to a woodshed. I've realized though that there are quite a few women that should go to the same woodshed with them. It may not be easy to leave but I've seen women take their kids and become temporarily homeless just to get away. So, it can be done. There are also tons of resources out there for them too. None for men but tons for women with a kid. I'd say I have had a ton of respect for those women. True heroes like a mama bear protecting her young. Kudos to all like that. And, kudos to the women that have no kids and protect themselves first. Yeah, some can't. Most can. I'm finding I have no respect for the ones that don't but could.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#389894 - 03/20/12 08:07 AM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: phoenix321]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
WE ARE THE SECONDARY VICTIMS OF THESE A&*HOLE PERPS!!

This will be unpopular but our husbands were perpetrated on and then they turned around and perp'ed on us.

Is it the same? No but many of us were never given the choices (truth) to make good choices to protect ourselves and our lives. In that way we were taken advantage of.

Now we are in a position that yes, we have such empathy for our husbands and what they have gone through as kids but where is our empathy? Most of the time it isn't from them because to empathize you have to be able to feel the pain you may have caused someone else and that would be WAY too much for our husbands to handle so they try to minimize.

I woke up in a bad place today.


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#389896 - 03/20/12 08:25 AM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Phoenix - I have kids and I have contemplated what you have said - many times. And I am in a holding pattern myself... do I stay or do I go? He disregarded me, put me in horrible situations, exposed me to disease, lies and quite frankly, torture. All in front of our children. It was not just an affair, but 14 months of humiliation and degradation.

He is no longer doing that. Do I stay or do I go?


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#389992 - 03/21/12 02:15 AM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Phoenix - I have kids and I have contemplated what you have said - many times. And I am in a holding pattern myself... do I stay or do I go? He disregarded me, put me in horrible situations, exposed me to disease, lies and quite frankly, torture. All in front of our children. It was not just an affair, but 14 months of humiliation and degradation.

He is no longer doing that. Do I stay or do I go?


Esposa, what is "torture" in your life?

You have to make that decision. What does your mind and your heart say? They can be different voices. Which is best for you and the kids? Sometimes the heart may say one thing and reason says totally the opposite. Perhaps look at the situation as a short-term investment with long-term consequences. The short-term may suck but the long-term is worth it? Only you can say for sure. The only thing I've ever said to a woman about leaving a spouse is if there is physical violence, domestic violence. That should never be tolerated. If there is tons of emotional abuse, it's up to the person to make a smart choice. Marriage is a partnership. Is the partnership worth the short-term investment? Cold way to look at it, but it does make sense. Is it a diminishing returns thing? Many do stay for the kids and that is usually a bad decision. If you can, definitely have both you and the kids get counseling.

Say I'm married and my wife had CSA. Maybe I'd get over an affair. Maybe I wouldn't. Two or more, no, I'd leave more than likely. 90% sure on that. Most would leave after one in my experience over the years. Now, if she abused the kids, I would demand she get help, give her some time then enforce the demand. Depending on the abuse. If the kids would suffer greatly, guess we'd have to go to war over it.

Knowing your situation online vs. in-person is a big difference. Yeah, that sucks.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#389996 - 03/21/12 03:05 AM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: phoenix321]
Darrick Offline


Registered: 03/11/11
Posts: 27
Loc: So. California
Wow, there is alot of negative energy here on top of something negative and horrific that happened years ago. Dealing with life is a stuggle every day for the survivor, including making good choices. My wife is also a CSA survivor, along with me, and we have both disappointed eachother in our relationship through the years. The one thing I can say is that compassion, understanding, and love helps to fully make sense of all this crap. No one was asked to be violated, and believe me, we don't use this as a crutch.


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