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#406427 - 08/10/12 07:44 PM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:38 AM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#406895 - 08/15/12 12:29 PM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
Jeff, Thanks.

I am a "work in progress". Yep I do get therapy, I do use a perscription medication every day for depression, and yes I have been active in seeking recovery. I use a 12 step group and read books on development and self help and other things. It is a slow process, although I am thankful that the changes do last.

Wish you luck as well....Geoff

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#407035 - 08/16/12 11:12 PM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:38 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#408193 - 08/28/12 07:47 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Well...

Being bisexual I would like to say, that I believe that most of the components of our personality can be affected by experiences in childhood. Like how much risk we are willing to take, how much arguing we can stand in a relationship before leaving, our choise of career and so on. And also sexual orientation and preferences. But just like the other stuff in our personalities are affected by so many things you can't separate on factor, I believe it is the same with the sexuality part.

You can rarely say "I need a lot of risktaking because I had a boring childhood". Because the risktaking trait is caused by many different things and you can't be sure of one cause.

Then of course, the risk taking trait will not be examined like this until it is percieved as a problem. Then you ask yourself why do I need these risks, trying to understand to change. But you could just as easily ask yourself why am I so craven, if that would be the problem.

So my input in this is, who decided that homosexuality/bisexuality is the problem that must have been caused? It could just as well have been heterosexuality that was caused by the abuse? But since heterosexuality is the norm it is not percieved as a problem to be hetero.

Just saying. Maybe we are discussing this from the wrong angle.

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#409019 - 09/05/12 09:44 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:25 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#412384 - 10/07/12 03:45 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
Edward2 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 17
Loc: Maryland
It has been amazingly helpful to read all the threads on this topic. I have been dealing with much of the confusion that has been written about here. I've ben in therapy for the past 6 months and my therapist insists that sexual orientation is biological but did admit when I confronted him last week that CSA can influence orientation. So I am in a state of suspended uncertainty. And sometimes the uncertainty is just too much to bear.......it's too much to bear because it is related to the abuse that I experienced at 8 and the fact that I have fond memories of being held and being "special." As with several other guys who have written here, I was not like the other boys -- lousy at baseball, a good boy in school who did well and disliked the rough and tumble of the neighborhood. I was called "faggot" every day for three years. My father tried to toughen me up but that didn't work so I was accepted by the 18 year old guy across the street. All I had to do in return was suck and be sucked. It seemed pleasurable and wonderful at the time. And then it stopped and I put it in a box and didn't think much about. I'm married, have a grown son, everything seems normal but nothing is normal [whatever normal is]. I'm in turmoil but appear okay on the surface. The turmoil is like an emotional abyss. Suicide has seemed like a reasonable alternative. I'm on heavy anti-depressants. Life goes on every day. I go grocery shopping and do all the things that a good husband is supposed to do -- except in the sexual arena. And when I look at gay porn on the Internet all I feel is longing, confusion and shame. Not sure where to go from here......

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#412387 - 10/07/12 07:15 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: Edward2]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Ed,
as you already now question on orientation is very complex and covered with many layers, don't push yourself, sometimes it looks like impossible to get some straight answer there. Please take it easy, it seems that you are in some vulnerable and shaky place.
My CSA didn't make my gay, but made me confused, and like imprinted, I guess same sex attraction would always be there in background. I never acted with men nor I would, I don't care for it in real life but in my fantasy world there many things are happening and that is confusion.
Hang on man, don't be hard on yourself, you are doing right steps in your healing. Some time is needed for things to settle. Share with us as much as possible, let all that out.
Take care of yourself.

Pero
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My story

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#412673 - 10/10/12 03:15 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
re Edward2

its not easy when your inner desire does not match your outer life. Its like a cognitive disonance, a bizarro world. Each has his own path we must respect and allow to progress as it will.
For me, i just spent the last weekend waking up in the arms of a man, not even sex, just hugging, tenderness, and the feeling that my default was not faulty. Being with a man was the most natural thing in the world. He said to me, grant in ur arms it feels like "home".
At thanksgiving( i am in canada). my sister in law asked why i didnt bring my man, my ex wife who was so angry when i first told her , two years ago tomorrow said. he sounds great , you should have brought him to dinner. He had other plans.

I am no longer on drugs, dont drink more than 2, dont frequent porn although the occassional look is fun, dont do bathhouses or have anonymous sex, dont disrespect myself any longer. No magic formula, just finally had the courage and the fatigue to finally say enough, I AM ENTITLED TO BE ME.

My teen boys love me, my sporty nephews dont bat an eye. THey accept me, cuz i finally do ,despite whatever effect the CSA had on me. More than the repression of your sexuality Edward it denies you to be the person you can be. My buddy from my WoR is bi, he is happy cuz its in the open. I do not believe in any way in denying yourself who you are. YOU need to know you are OK. If you are happy in your marriage stay, it sounds like you're not. DO not stay, people change, so can you. My ex wife looks amazing, she is truly happy finally no longer feeling alone sleeping next to a man not capable of being there more than in body.

Take a stand, be yourself, you deserve it, whoever and whatever you are, But make no mistake

Your orientation is who you truly are. CSA can not influence it only cloud it. You can have a hetero lifestyle if you're gay, but you will be unhappy. You can have a gay lifestyle if your str8 ( one of the guys i met at the WoR was that guy). but you will only be happy when your inner heart and little boy match what you do and live on the outside. I am no longer sad, confused or depressed. The shame is gone, i never thought it would. I only have regret i did not act sooner, but being a child survivor i did not have the tools.
And so that is your quest, find the tools , get the help but ultimately do not ignore because of expectation, or religion or family pressure or a sense of fucked up duty. This is your life, now is the time, EDWARD - it is OK to be you.

MAKE IT SO

hugz with true honesty

grant


Edited by 1lifenow (10/10/12 08:07 AM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#412688 - 10/10/12 10:44 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Did my CSA make me gay? Don't know, it's possible it was a factor given the duration and the fact the awhile I knew it was wrong, I did enjoy a lot of the sensations, or at least my body did. Hey can't change physiology. Yeah a hard pill to swallow back then but now - if the CSA made me gay, well that's one good thing that came out of it.

Also let me understand an empathize with other survivors better, made me a stronger person and, gave me a heck of a reason to be the best person I can because, let's face it most people are not basically good.

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#412745 - 10/11/12 12:43 AM Re: Did our CSA make us gay???? [Re: lbcali1978]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Just going to add. My CSA was a woman, I do have some fantasies about that experience. I'm now an out gay/bi man. I've been with my partner/husband for 5 years now. I fell in love and my life has never been better. I love my husband with every ounce of my soul, but yes, I can get sexually aroused by the experience I had.

The only difference in my experience, and other's. Mine was socially acceptable. Way too much thinking going on.

Stay strong
Mike
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Thriving

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