Hey Phoenix,
thanks for your pearl drops, they are beautiful !!!
Relating your medical papers what about your BNP levels in blood (I became almost expert in that area ). Is everything clear to you there? Those docs weren't so friendly and talkative to you as I can remember. Are you 100% sure about expert's opinion relating BNP levels?
I become full MS member just couple days ago, it is not big deal. There are just couple of additional threads and it is not so lively as here.
Nevertheless I've found some very warm threads giving us some insight into some aspects of some survivor's life out of MS. And even I (who was scared to share some things here at the beginning) decided to share some parts (actually pics) of my private life there that are not connected to recovery. It makes me even more part of this community and it is much safer than this public board...
Hm, I'm thinking how to include you to become full member, I'm not sure would that be possible for me to do it in your name - would you allow me to offer you something like that? Please let me know if you have any concerns relating this, I hope I wasn't rude (take into account that those are my thoughts in my native language poorly translated into English, I'm like all people from my homeland very sentimental and too direct sometimes ).
I think that you could benefit from becoming full member and it is not big deal for me?
If full membership and some threads there would bring just one smile to your face it will make me happy without limits ...

Igor

Hey, Igor,

You're awesome, man. They didn't do a BNP this month since I got the echocardiogram. My stomach was tore up for about 2 weeks and was way calmed down today. Thankfully it did.

Your offer is an extremely nice thing to do. When somebody does something nice for me like that, I think endlessly how to repay them and it ends up annoying them. It also makes me clam up. It was hard even respond to your offer. What words to say, how to say it, took me hours. Igor, I'm sorry to say, No but thank you so very much. Few have been nice to me in years. I'd rather just have the friendship. It just hurts too much to take things from anyone. I run from it. If anyone understands, I'm sure a fellow CSA survivor like you do. I'm sure it's from my shitty childhood and not feeling like I deserved anything. You offer made me smile and it put a knot in my stomach at the same time. Child abuse and CSA did that to me. Thank you again.

Phoenix
xoxo

Hey Phoenix,
sorry that I've caused you some nuisance and trouble. Please relax, there is nothing wrong with you and your respond, your words are fine .
I understand you completely, don't worry too much and please keep your hearth calm.
I'm glad that you've been smiling because of my offer, actually I'm sky rocket high because of that .
Now I've got knot in my stomach because I don't know what to do next to bring more smiles to you, please help us sometimes with that !

Igor

xoxo

Hey, Igor, you didn't cause me anything. You're awesome, dude. I just don't know how to react when people are nice to me. It's rare that people are. When I was a kid everything "given" to me by parents required involuntary servitude. Other adults were that way too. A lot of people have taken advantage of me when I had nothing but good intentions. Consequently, I don't put myself out there for many people at all in the last 10 years.

I'd love to take it but I know it would cause me internal issues. I've never felt worthy is the reason. That was taught over a long time with emotional warfare. Isn't that horrible to think that way?

You're a peach. Thank you again.

Phoenix
xoxo

Dear Phoenix, It is real bad that you are feeling that way. I wish you feeling more worthy, I'm sure those exercise for self-empathy that you posted could be good thing to try. There are few good people left in this world and you'll met them in future; I'm sure about that; so work further on yourself in that direction !!!
I didn't have time but I'm gonna also give a look on your thread about empathy, it sounds promising.
Cheers,

Pero

xoxo

I think overcoming that self-hate and feelings of worthlessness or being bad or whatever is one of the hardest.

I've gotten myself to a place where I know logically that it isn't true, but it always seems that it takes far longer for feelings and emotions to follow suit.

Keep working Phoenix. Maybe in time we can all start to change the thoughts that go with the lying lessons we were taught!