I am so incredily frustrated with myself. I have been unable to break a pattern that I have held since my earliest memory of abuse.
I start to feel a little less tense around other people and may even start to trust a very select few a little bit. In evitably they do or say something stupid or insensitive and I slam the gate down and go right back to mistrusting everyone and basically becoming even more lonely because I hate people all over again and assume they will all hurt anybody who has something they want.
It's self-sabotage and I hate it because it's been keeping me in a very paranoid ivory tower. Sometimes knowledge of the affliction ISN'T enough to prevent it's onset. So if anyone else feels like this... just know you're not alone.
I'd rather die trying to affect change than sitting on my ass bitching about how terrible everything is. Critical people who never try to make things any better are just social parasites. The gene pool would be better off without their contributions.