I am so incredily frustrated with myself. I have been unable to break a pattern that I have held since my earliest memory of abuse.

I start to feel a little less tense around other people and may even start to trust a very select few a little bit. In evitably they do or say something stupid or insensitive and I slam the gate down and go right back to mistrusting everyone and basically becoming even more lonely because I hate people all over again and assume they will all hurt anybody who has something they want.

It's self-sabotage and I hate it because it's been keeping me in a very paranoid ivory tower. Sometimes knowledge of the affliction ISN'T enough to prevent it's onset. So if anyone else feels like this... just know you're not alone.

Sorry to hear this. Step back, walk away when you feel like closing down the gate--don't turn away those that are trying to help--yes there will be those who will try to sabotage your healing and you will know who they are by the constant and consistent things they say and do--but there are those with the smile, a gentle I am here for you, a shoulder to cry or vent on and yes these people will say things that may upset you, but they are only trying to help but like us they may be lost at times on how to express their concern and compassion. Just walk away and when level headed explain to them how their words hit you--and you need to think about what they were trying to truly say. It is hard because of the mistrust. But there are good people out there and you need them to help you.

But vent here we can listen because we have been there. Keep going and move ahead. You know the issue so now you can deal with it.

Good luck!!!

.