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#390361 - 03/23/12 11:47 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: Castle]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
i know that if i was told that i was being compared, contrast, to other survivors to where i was in my recovery to theirs that i would feel even more stressed and pressured.

i got enough issues to deal with that i wouldn't need more put on me in the thoughts of having to keep up with others because they're farther ahead of me. the thought of having to rush through my recovery because i don't want to disappoint. the thought of having to tackle many issues at once, risk having a meltdown, so that i give the appearance of progressing when in reality i'm not...

no way.. not for me... that is just too much added pressure for me to deal with when i have enough already on my plate...

i'm going to stick with not comparing myself to other survivors and move at a pace that is comfortable for me...

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#390364 - 03/23/12 12:08 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Obi]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Obi, I agree that everyone has to move ahead at their pace, we are all different people with different situations to deal with.

There are no page by page or day by day CSA/ASA manuals that we can read to fix ourselfs.
There are books out there to read, but those books are a one size fits all to me.

I myself, like being compared to others that doing much better than I am because I dont see it in myself. It is nice to be compared to others like you that have been here for a while and have been so much help to others by your experiance alone thus far.
I guess it is kind of like a pat on the back that makes you want to proceed even more. A pick me up of sorts when I am down.

If it wasn't for the more experianced and devoted people on MS, like you, we beginners would have no idea what were are looking for or where to go from day one.
I would love to be one of helpful people here on MS that others can turn to someday for advise. I have a long way to go........

Thanks for your help and advise.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#390366 - 03/23/12 12:28 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Dar]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
if you're ok with it, then more power to ya. hope it helps...

i know for me it doesn't...

i know that when i first came to ms, i fell into the trap of comparing myself to other survivors here. thinking that my abuse wasn't as tragic as others. that they are sooooo farther ahead of me that i don't even deserve to talk to them, let alone them lower themselves to talk to a noob... and so on and so on that it was part of the reason i had a meltdown early when i started on ms....

i learned the hard way that i couldn't do that... that is too much pressure that i didn't need to put on myself...

yes, i may be farther along in my recovery, than other survivors, on certain issues... however, there are other issues, that i'm dealing with, that i'm waaaay back at the beginning of...

that is why i rely on so many others for support and help. i've created a support system of many people knowing that there's a diverse amount of people being able to help/support me in ways that others in my support system aren't able to and vice versa...

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#390367 - 03/23/12 12:47 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Obi]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
why cant you get the pat on the back without comparing and contrasting people/survivors, and where they are in recovery?

New members are very helpful to seasoned MS people...it gives us an opportunity to refresh and continue to hear the good messages we must hear over and over to get rid of all those bad messages people told us.

It sometimes allows us to talk about our story again and again until at some point we are able to say it without it destroying us in a triggery mess...that I believe is one of the "marks" or " "mile markers" of recovery, discussing our history/stories and not being "effected' by it.

everybody helps everybody...the difference I think is that many new members don't feel they have value so they cant see what they are giving back...as we "heal" we find that we are worthy and our words and stories do have meaning...we do have stuff to give to others...it can be seen time and time again in posts and I can many times read in posts when somebody goes through this change and believe the are worthy...great feeling to be part of.

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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390369 - 03/23/12 01:22 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Obi]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri

however, there are other issues, that i'm dealing with, that i'm waaaay back at the beginning of...



That is a Terrifying thought that I have had, as I have seen others on here go through their ups and downs. The feeling of going back to the starting line would be overwhelming I'm afraid.

Thanks for your insight Obi, it is appriciated

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#390371 - 03/23/12 01:29 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Castle]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Martin:

Though I am sorry your thread was hijacked, I am glad that it was hijacked and that it was not you making the statements.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#390372 - 03/23/12 01:40 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Dar]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
Yw.

When I first came to ms i got wrapped up in how far along others were and how i wanted to be there too that i was trying to tackle all my issues at once. To be done with them as quickly as possible, to be at the other end of recovery that i saw in others. I put so much pressure on myself that i had a meltdown.

That is why i learned the hard way to not compare myself to other survivors and why i also take one issue at a time, one step at a time. That is why on some issues i am farther along than others and on other issues i am at the beginning because i haven't started on those issues yet.

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#390396 - 03/23/12 04:34 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: Obi]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Obi-

I understand your intimidation with being compared to another. Please know I'm not so much measuring my survivor by another's ruler. That truly would be detrimental. To clarify, I don't know what a healthy survivor of CSA looks like. However, you quickly get a better picture of true recovery by reading (eg. Evicting the Perpetrator) AND by taking a look and see at survivors here at MS. The contrasts between those stuck in victimhood versus those who are abusive in some fashion versus those who are engaged in a good recovery become crystal clear soon enough. I'm not so much sizing up my survivor in comparison to another survivor as much as I'm taking certain things I notice in survivors in which to build a "goal model" of a recovering survivor in my own head.

Does that help? Does it even make sense??? smile

Godspeed, Obi!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#390402 - 03/23/12 05:22 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: herowannabe]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
How about the survivor "recovers" without having to be sized up or measured..."Am I doing enough recovery to make my wife happy?" vs am I recovering from the abuse and what happened due in part because of the abuse and really trying to make my self better and then my relationship can and will get better with work from both partners...recovery doesn't have a time schedule or ruler to judge against...seems its just pressure/shame to prove to somebody they are getting "better" and "better" in the other persons eyes. but yea answer Obi smile

You don't get a clearer view just being here and on the internet..you get it by interacting with other men at WOR and retreats and in groups of men in real life...ask any professional the importance of MEN getting together and working together in a group...or you could read the a few of the reasons behind why the WOC decided that video chat/groups were declined at the last meeting.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390763 - 03/26/12 03:51 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All

Thanks for the understanding, and I apologize if we hurt anyone in anyway.

Understand that this in no way absolves me of any blame, after all where there are two fighting there are two to blame.

There are still issues that I need to resolve in my life, bearing in mind that I have been a survivor for only a year but have lived for 48. It will take time to resolve the issues that I have developed as a coping mechanism in my life, these will not disappear over night, but what is important is that I am aware of them, and that I deal with them as they arise.

Life after recovery is great, but not without its issues, but this does not mean that we should give up hope.

Thanks again all for your understanding.
Love to all

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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