Newest Members
andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons
12251 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
1 registered (WriterKeith), 49 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63106 Topics
441314 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#389640 - 03/17/12 11:52 PM To be Honest
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
My wife has thrown me out the house because I lied to her about another woman. I have difficulty telling her the truth about anything. For the past year I have prefered spending time on Male Survivor and Matrix men to sharing myself with her and my daughter. It avoids us having a fight.

I did try healing our relationship by buying her a bunch of flowers and having the odd conversation, I even took her on holiday. While I am been honest I have no desire to make love to her, even though she is slim and sexual, and I have told her this. What more does she want? After her rape in January I tried to get her to prosucute and she wouldn't so I just left her to do her own thing.

Ladies please tell me what do woman really want out of a marriage. How do they expect to be treated?

Heal well
Martin



Edited by whome (03/17/12 11:57 PM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#389658 - 03/18/12 12:55 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: whome]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I can't answer that, never having been married.

I will say, John Gray's books, several titles, with "Mars" and "Venus" in the titles, I've found helpful.

Good luck.
D.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#389674 - 03/18/12 07:13 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: whome]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: whome


After her rape in January I tried to get her to prosucute and she wouldn't so I just left her to do her own thing


perhaps do for her what you're doing for all those guys in your matrix men groups? albeit you give her way more time. it's up to her to prosecute not you. it is up to you to be her counsel in her time of need as she was to you. even if she wasn't there or the marriage is over, you owe it to her to be her counsel. right? all you can do is try. if she refuses, keep trying till and let her know she can talk anytime she is ready. make sure your daughter understands this too. i'm sure your cheating hurt her so offer the same counsel as a dad would and should. isn't that what jesus will tell you to do?

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#389677 - 03/18/12 08:07 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: phoenix321]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Martin, I tend to agree with Phoenix on this. First off, your wife had to and still is going through the pain of your acting out. Second, her body and soul has been raped by another man.
I could be wrong but IMHO she may not trust any man right now and wants all of them far far away from her.
This isnt much different than our situations and what we are going through in our lives.
Some of us need time to be alone and work things out in our minds so that we can recover. But at the same time we need support and a shoulder to lean on too.
Maybe this is what she needs right now at this point in her life, she has gone through and is still in a living Hell.

I once told my wife to go if it would help her feel better and I truly meant it. I would have never of just let her disapear out of site and forget about her. But would have instead been supportive of her and helped in any way that I could have to show her how much I loved and cared for her to regain her trust in me.

Seperation isnt always the end of the road my friend, sometimes we all just need our space to think without Disruption. Then we can move forward with or without.

Love has concord many a mountain sir.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

Top
#389678 - 03/18/12 08:41 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: Dar]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Do you still want to be married to her?

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#389703 - 03/18/12 01:51 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Martin,

I am sorry your wife threw you out. That must really hurt.

Is there a reason you chose to share your life with only the men and women on here and in your group rather than your wife?

Maybe that makes her feel very lonely. It would me. When you say you had the odd conversation with her about things, what does that mean?

You also say you find your wife attractive but don't want to have sex with her. That is very confusing. I don't understand. Are you afraid of her and/or intimacy?

Do you not feel safe with her? It sounds like you have kept her at a distance i.e. not sahring, not wanting to be physically intimate. What makes you keep distance?


Top
#389707 - 03/18/12 02:53 PM Re: To be Honest [Re: lucylives]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thank you all

She stood by me during my drinking, porn addiction, internet dating, sports addiction, she made me watch an Oprah show that started my healing, she found a therapist in town that specialises in CSA. So she has helped. But now she is saying she needs to be nurtured and taken care of. I don't think I can do that.

I tried for about a week last month to talk to her in the evenings, but she was short with me. So I gave up. I bought her flowers on the 13th Feb, and got her a card for valentines, didn't fill it in though.

I don't share with her because I don't think she is interested.

I don't want to have sex because it has been easier to use porn.

I am at the point that I want to follow my passion for helping other people and if I want to be on the computer from 6 in the morning till 12 at night I don't want the wife asking for family time. I also feel that she needs therapy and has to understand that Male Survivor and Matrix Men are my only priority. I will not be told to only do this in times that suit her. I want to take control of my life and don't want her dictating what must be done. She had the cheek to say that this is like just another addiction.

I don't know if she will come back with those conditions but its worth a try. I married a woman who looked after me and now wants looking after, I don't understand it.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#389756 - 03/19/12 01:15 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: whome]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: whome
I don't share with her because I don't think she is interested.

I don't want to have sex because it has been easier to use porn.

I am at the point that I want to follow my passion for helping other people and if I want to be on the computer from 6 in the morning till 12 at night I don't want the wife asking for family time.


I, I, I, I, I ...

Gee, does that sound familiar, Martin? Jesus, pal, let's look at your words here. Picture your best friend saying this to you about you: "If my ass wants to be on the Internet 'helping' people 24/7 and not my family, my ass is doing it, baby. Your needs gonna have to wait till when I get damn good and ready....I HAVE SPOKEN!" I'm not telling you what to do, pal. But, don't you sound like you are all involved with just yourself? Self-love, the all natural opiate. "Gotta do what I wanna do first then I'll do what the little woman wants me to do. In fact, why is that little woman suggesting anything thing in the first damn place, you dig? I might be a cheating, porno addicted sports nut, but, damn, baby, my ass watched Oprah and got help! What the hell do you want? My time? My time is valuable. I spend 18 hours a day helping guys I don't even know with all their child rape shit. I ain't got no time for you or my daughter. Hell, I ain't got no time for me..."

Self-love, the all natural and all powerful opiate. Martin, it feels good, don't it? Of course, she didn't throw me out the house. Heal well.

You can laugh a little dude.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#389763 - 03/19/12 04:48 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: phoenix321]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3598
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Martin,
sure you have been honest. And really there are many signs that your relationship is in crisis. Even those I, I, I sentences are clear sign of poor communication between you two.
No sex life is first and strongest sign, I'm sorry, we can look for different reasons but if there is no passion and sharing of intimacy between partners there is big obstacle as this one which have to be properly addressed in first place.
Secondly I like the way you've told us what are your interest. It would be great that your wife is supportive there but also same goes to you giving her some attention.
It would be great if you could think about your marriage and think what would you like to be and what you would like to act in it.
Not the things that are expected from you as husband to do (flowers for example) but what you as man would like to get from it. Is is support in your work, is it sex, are those small talks in the morning? What do you miss the most?
And you have to set those as your goal. Mutual understanding is crucial and I'm afraid that disappeared at the moment. It seems that all energy is invested in setting some conditions and that is not love and that is not productive at least.

The lack of intimacy is something that is impossible to recover outside of relationship and if there isn't some I'm afraid that base is missing for upgrade. Is there a way (and will) to gain that again, can you think more about that?

Pero

_________________________
My story

Top
#389778 - 03/19/12 09:45 AM Re: To be Honest [Re: peroperic2009]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 723
Loc: NJ
I would agree with Phoenix.

There has to be some balance to recover and to family time for sure.

No relationship survives recovery, they change because of it. Some change for the better some for the worse.

Is time with your daughter less important than helping people on MS?...that makes me really sad...I would seriously talk to T about this, and MS can def fill an void to other addictions.

two other thoughts.

1) I have read mention and the reasons you prefer a fit and trim wife, but if she worked hard to fit that mold for you and your now still rejecting her...what message does that send her about her body image ect.

2) Your wife went through a great trauma of her own recently, maybe she needs your time and support and some of the roles have reversed in your relationship, but she also needs support while your supporting "strangers".

It's easy to get lost in helping others as a way not to look at our own shit. Defelecting our own stuff to focus on others when were in crisis might not be the best advise.

I wonder how long you'll talk to a survivor to get through, while you gave your own relationship a week of trying and then gave up...you deserve more, your wife and daughter deserve more...Consider what you wrote about wanting to support others when there are people at home waiting for your love and attention.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.