Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alicia (55), bubblytam (56), crazydragon (39), JGag78 (36), kris82 (32), Shin (28)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63402 Topics
443277 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#38964 - 04/18/05 09:09 PM First day back at work since Aug
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi Brothers,

Today was my first day back (part-time for now) after being off since August due to a break-down as a result of CSA flooding back.

I was so scared that I had the runs before going to work this morning. I also wanted to run and hide, which I also have done in the past. I used to hide in the bathroom.

I self talked to the child and adult inside for 4 hours while at work. The child inside wanted to hide, but the adult wanted to face things. The adult inside won, it was a tough battle raging inside of me, but I didn't give in. Tuesday will be another battle, but I am ready for it.

I am so tired of being tired of all of the CSA stuff, that I said to myself that the Perp who abused me in the past and F***** Up my life as a child will not ruin my career and the rest of my life. F*** them.

I don't talk like this, but I am so mad when the perp try to ruin my life with all of those negative thoughts that rage inside from their abuse.

The things that I thought about at work this morning and I kept dwelling on was:

The watch my dad gave me as a present for my first day back at work.

The chain and cross my best gave me and I wore.

The brothers on this site. Before leaving for work this morning I went on-line and was just reading the words of suport for others on various posts, gave me strength today.

I made it one day. I will worry about tomarrow when it comes.

THanks for your support.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top
#38965 - 04/19/05 04:56 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Incredible Courage, Healing_inside...Incredible. Congratulations!! Also sounds like you have some wonderful people in your corner. Me too, I'm there...and everyone here...we're all there. In my eyes, you really are a hero...you really are!! Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




Top
#38966 - 04/19/05 05:02 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
I'm proud of you, bro!

Hang in there!

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world" (1 John 4:4). That includes the perp!

Blessings!

_________________________
bkeithb

Top
#38967 - 04/19/05 07:16 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
healing_inside, I am really glad that you are finding your way forward.

I wish you every success for the future,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#38968 - 04/19/05 08:22 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Thanks for your comments brothers,

I needed them today. I had the runs again this morning before work again. Hope they stop.

Didn't sleep well last night because of my T appt yesterday. I never do.

I almost cried on the way home from work today. I came back to the place we meet everyday at work. I got there 15 minutes early and I got talked to (very nicley from my boss) about coming in to eary.

He was nice about it, but I was upset at myself. I kicked myself to hard. I stopped and realized that this is all new to me and that it was only my second day back.

After self talk I felt better.

Thanks for being there guys.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top
#38969 - 04/19/05 09:54 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Hey Buddy,

I'm proud of you. You have a lot of courage. You're gonna make it, Bro. One day at a time.


Top
#38970 - 04/20/05 08:48 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi Everyone,

3rd day back today. I was real scared when I woke up (litle Jimmy was scared). I had the runs again. Went to work and did my 4 hours and came home. I didn't kick myself like I did yesterday and things went well. I self talked when I started to panic.

I was starting to have thoughts about the CSA and I thought of myself as a "5 year old whore" again. I shelved those thoughts the best I can and deal with the work at hand and not the CSA issues.

Not giving up. Thanks for your support and for listening.

-Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top
#38971 - 04/20/05 10:12 PM Re: First day back at work since Aug
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
(((jimmy))) he will be OK.
Jim it is real hard sometimes when your mind just takes you back.

He is safe now Jim, you always looked after him, and he always will for you, and yeah, he is still there cos he makes you who you are.

Maybe that is good, yeah it is,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#38972 - 04/22/05 04:40 AM Re: First day back at work since Aug
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi Brothers,

Made it a 4th day at work. The runs have stopped. Thank goodness.

I was nervous because I had a meeting with 3 other guys and the bosses. I was real scared before the meeting because I was going to be in a meeting with guys behind closed doors.

Through out the meeting I took off my watch and was twisting it in my hand nervously and every once in a while I would look down instead looking at people.

Just thought I would let you know. Thanks for your continued support. I went to my shrink and he told me that it was very brave of me to try work after learning the CSA issues and being off for nine months on disability.

I couldn't have done it without you guys.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.