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#389601 - 03/17/12 02:16 PM havin ssa while married
7373dssnn Offline


Registered: 03/17/12
Posts: 10
hi iam dealing with ssa while Iam married with my wife!! anybody havin any suggestions on how to handle this to make it stop?????


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#389611 - 03/17/12 05:04 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
As we do the work of recovery, we will untangle discover and reclaim the damaged and abused parts of us-including our sexuality, intimacy with self and others, and ability to understand and express our feelings safely.

My SSA was more related to the sexual abuse i experienced from older males and lack of nonsexualized bonding with men in my family-those wounds need attention and healing and not denying they exist.

Once I stopped feeding the abusive sexuality by acting out with porn and other males, I got a lot more clarity about my innate sexuality-but I needed several months of not triggering myself and of intense introspection.

It's hard work-but reclaiming what we lost isn't easy. It is worth it.

I have strong and healthy connection and intimacy in most of my relationships today- that is amazing given where I started out from.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#389638 - 03/17/12 11:45 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: Mountainous Buck]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5935
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello 73,

I am saddened that you are experiencing this difficulty in your life, and thankful that you found us. It is frustrating when you love someone and want to be exclusively faithful to that person, but there are overwhelming sexual feelings for another.

First, it is not as simple as stopping. SSA is, as Mountainous Buck mentions, not just about sex, or gender attraction, but it is about the abuse we suffered and the lack of real connections with those who should have loved and cared for us.
Second, we feel ashamed and unfaithful with these thoughts, and that feels bad in our minds and hearts.

We need to feel good about ourselves, you are doing the best you can with the feelings and the struggle you are dealing with in your life. You have reached out for support and information, well done! You are seeking the help you need for the things you want in your life.

The lessons, exercises and teaching will come, but make sure you are ready, by telling yourself and listening to those who know the burden you carry, that you are a good person, and you want to do what you feel is right.

Please be kind to yourself, the answers are coming.
Sam

_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#389650 - 03/18/12 12:23 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: SamV]
7373dssnn Offline


Registered: 03/17/12
Posts: 10
thanks Buck and sasuva ive read wat ya had to say and it does make sense but im still strugglin and i wont give up tryin get thru this
again thanks much


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#389653 - 03/18/12 12:25 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5935
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Keep coming back 73,

Your determination is clear, and you sound strong. Keep asking, and the answers will come.

Sam

_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge.” (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#389716 - 03/18/12 06:09 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: SamV]
7373dssnn Offline


Registered: 03/17/12
Posts: 10
iwill sasuva in the name of Jesus i will stay strong


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#394165 - 04/20/12 12:33 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 148
Loc: Minnesota
I have dealt with this for going on ten years now. Mountainous Buck is a fine man who knows all about my story and his points were spot on for you as well.

It started when we were still dating and I had a flashback while my then girlfriend was giving me fellatio. From there, it started popping up more and more frequently, leaving me scared and her confused about what was going on.

However, I was too ashamed to tell her why I was having problems with sex and didn't want her thinking I was bisexual one bit. It almost cost us our marriage and we missed out on several years of great sex.

Truthfully, it was my fantastic therapist who finally allowed me to overcome the csa and acknowledge and let go of my ssa. I now see it as a natural part of my sexuality, acknowledge it and then let it go, allowing me to focus on sex with my wife. We're able to talk about the effects of my abuse and have been working on fellatio.

However, I am not a therapist and highly recommend that you see one, if not doing so already, for your csa. There's also threads on male vs. female therapists. I feel much more comfortable with a female therapist than my original male therapist but that's my personal choice.

Hope that helps. Thank you all for sharing.

J

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#397391 - 05/16/12 04:49 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 05:16 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#397673 - 05/18/12 06:12 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
I know for me and this is hard to say but I have to deal with it daily almost constantly during normal times, not right now with this PTSD going on at the moment I'm not attracted to anyone..lol

But I guess what normally makes it hard is the urges and I'm afraid to find out that I am gay, I'm afraid that my wife will never be able to completely satisfy me. I have always accepted that I am bi because of the abuse I was to young to have a sexual identity when the abuse started.

I don't know who the "Real" me is. I'm not completely unattracted to women as I stated before but they have to be pretty damn hot..lol or I have to get to know them first. but there have been allot of average Joe's that I have been attracted to oddly enough they are manly men..lol I know I have said on here that I have never had feelings "Love" for a guy or know if I even could but thinking honestly about it there have been a coupe of guys that I could have imagined myself in a LTR with.

But whenever I have been with a guy I felt so dirty and guilty, But then I am reading that the guilt and stuff is from the SA, so I don't think I could ever live that life.

The idea of being in a LTR with a guys scares the hell out of me, The guilt and dirty feeling and the stigma. I am married and have been for nearly 18 years and I have a daughter, I couldn't do that to my wife and I know if I mentioned it it would destroy her.

My wife has been completely supportive of me through all of this, all that I have told her but I cannot be completely 100% honest with her about everything because I know it would hurt her and I love her very much, with all that I am, There are times that the urges get so strong especially is it is someone that I feel really attracted to that flirts or tries to make eye contact..I know I can't give into these feeling's because I love my wife and daughter not that I wouldn't like to.

Just more confusion I guess.


Edited by longroad37 (05/18/12 10:27 PM)

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#398052 - 05/22/12 11:01 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: NCguy88]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 05:48 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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