I am married to a survivor of sexual abuse. I am his wife and we have three children and two foster children. He was a very responsible father and husband, always took care of us and was never agressive. He never even went out alone, took us for holidays. We live in a big house and we are both working, him as a programmer and me as a teacher. We always had sexual problems, he wouldnt cope with being touched. But he always said that had nothing to do with me and he doesnt know why he feels that. Whenever i took part in some way when having sex, he drifted off. i suspected he must have been abused but he said he was not as he cant remember anything like that in his childhood. but at the same time he said he cant really remember anything of his childhood, at least not much. years were missing. now he has flashbacks and memories. he knows now that his abuse has started when he was about one year old and has ended when he was about 9. the abusers were at least 2 different men and one of them was a police man from ahmedabad in india (my husband is indian). this man was always in my husbands life when he was small because he was the son of the nanny and came regularly. he abused my husbands sister and she remembers parts of it. he penetrated that little girl when she was 3, at least thats the earliest she remembers. now she is on medication because of bipolar blabla. i raise her two children, our foster children. she says she is not capable of raising them, giving them a proper life.
my husbands brother is an alcoholic and was accused once of an attempted rape but as this was in a corruptive country he was never charged. he ignores everything around him and drinks himself to death. the sister and the brother live in africa.
the brother has a small daughter of 5 years and i have asked him many times to think properly before taking the decision of destroying his child. i really hope he doesnt abuse her. all i can do here is talking because we live on a different continent.
my husband has abused our daughter from when she was almost 11 until almost 15. then she told me. she came and told me what he has done and her reason for saying it was that she simply didnt believe him anymore that he would ever stop. he has touched her everywhere and also kissed and licked her everywhere, but not penetrated her. he must have abused her about 80 times in those 4 years, if not more. most of the abuses were in the morning when he woke her up for school. he went in, touched and kissed her breasts and then let her get up and get ready for school. some of the abuses happened just like that, in any room, in the middle of the daytime, he came and just grabbed her breasts (after she had any), tried to kiss her mouth (he managed that once because she fought against it) and a lot of times also tried to touch her vagina (he managed that only before she became almost 13 because then she squeezed her legs together so hard that he couldnt get hold of it anymore without hurting her physically). while abusing her he always touched her "carefully" so that she wont get hurt. he masturbated on her with his clothes on. thats how he masturbates, prone and with full clothes on and with abusive fantasies in 98 of 100 cases, he says.
when he has sex with me, he fantasizes about some actresses whom he abuses in the fantasy, while having "normal" sex with me. he also fantasized about having a few young girls in a cellar in seperate rooms and them being ready for him to be abused and raped at anytime he wants.
my daughter was not his first abuse. when he was 19, he abused (kissed and touched breasts) another girl who was 13. she lives in the usa today and i found and contacted her. she had a lot of problems resulting from the abuse he had done on her for about 6 months when she was 13.
when he was about 17 or 18 he touched the shoulder of a sleeping 5 year old girl, the daughter of his fathers friend. this girl didnt wake up but he got scared and ran back to his bed. he says he didnt do more to her and i really hope he is saying the truth about this.

when my daughter talked to me about the abuse her father had done to her, i called him back home from the office. i confronted him and he confessed but still lied about the quantity and about the intensity. two days later my child told me the full truth and i confonted him again. i was under shock and felt really guilty for not having known this and for not having my child safed from this. i thought i had been a good mother till then. i took a video of his confession to make sure my daughter doesnt have to really be asked in front of court. i reported him to the police and i got a court order within two hours saying he is not allowed in the house and contacting any of the children. he fled to africa, to his brother and sister. this was last december.
my small son missed his dad. my already abused daughter said she misses him too. my son had a lot of aggressions and didnt want any contact. i started chatting with my husband and i also called him. he was already not allowed to call us because of the court order.
then he came back from africa, saying he rather goes to jail than losing us. he wants to face the consequences, but he is scared also. he was stopped at the airport and then taken to the local police inspector here. there he confessed again and he got the court order not to contact us officially.
he got a lawyer as he had to take one. then he had his first court hearing and he confessed. now he is waiting for the real court thing to start.
in the meantime quite some time has passed. we had a lot of talks. he promised me not to lie anymore and to do everything not to be abusive anymore. i read quite a lot of books and also healing books for partners of abuse survivors. he goes to the office, works and goes to his holiday flat we rented for him. i dont trust him with the kids. i only take our small son there if he asks for his father but i dont leave him alone with him for even a second.
my daughter talks and talked a lot about the abuse which was done to her. she wrote it all down and also writes a book which she wants to publish later on when she is out of the age of being "the abuse victim" at school if someone finds out. she confronted her dad with the abuse and HER feelings about it. she told him how disgusting it was and how much she hated it, how used she felt and how bad his old man stink was, how much she wanted him to stop because she had a crush on a boy in her class and that he was an ideot who has chosen the wrong child for his sick abuse because he should have known she would talk. i was so proud of her, bought her a new sports outfit and hugged her really tight.
my husband has flashbacks, cries uncontrollably, got paralized once after a memory coming up, drifts off and into reality - is there and not there....
i feel sorry for him. i can see he is also just one big abused child who needs me. and the worst is, i love him. the kids love him, ok...but i still love him. i know he is manipulative but i also know he is truely suffering. he feels really bad what he has done to his own daughter, but he still lives abusive fantasies for masturbation. he lies but he is honest, much more honest than he has ever been before - well, i also fixed an appointment for a voice analyse test.

my love for him doesnt go away. i want to help him, i want to support him, just like i am supporting my child.we are all not through with him and i feel i am crazy not being through with him.

he is in therapy, but with a very uncapable therapist. he told him, its a genetical thing, he IS like that and cant do anything about it. he can only live with the fact of being like that and he has to learn how to not become a criminal anymore. i think his therapist is as crazy as my husband.

now, i posted this in this forum because i am slowly but surely becoming a mess myself. 5 kids, the job as a teacher, my husbands mother who is in bed at home, my husband as abuser, my husband as survivor....

i really dont know if i am doing the right thing. i am still in some sort of relation with him, ALSO out of the reason that
i am sure if i am not, he will go to africa again and he will have less reason to change, to learn, to not be abusive.

am i crazy still loving this man??? please give me honest answers - no mercy with me!

(sorry for the spelling mistakes and the grammar - i am italian, that should explain enough

thank you all for reading this and taking part in my story. and also thank you guys from the chat for your support. it helped me much more than all those help lines and those therapists i called up. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Welcome confusion4life,

You are not crazy, and I will let the supporters here who deal with commonalities in your story to assure you of your sanity, and that what you are doing is right and proper.

Sam

thank you sam, once more

Welcome. I agree with Sam. You're not crazy, just human.

thank you jim for reading through this whole thing. you guys do actually care.
ok, until now i am statistically not crazy

Ciao Confusion4life!
off course you are not crazy, you must have huge warmth and love for your family in yourself that is all .
Stay in some relation with him. It is possible to recover but it is long way. Think what should be your final goal: for kids to have dad, for you to get back husband and similar things and follow your instincts in all this. At the same time he needs to be also eager to get those same goals.
But your husband as priority of anything needs to get proper therapy. That crap about genetic predispositions has to stop immediately, it is waste of time, money and energy.
That therapist is crazy and not capable of doing any help. He doesn't have proper knowledge and he could make even things worse...
Be aware that your husband is survivor who has been abused as child and raised in dysfunctional family - there is huge difference between him and that doc.
Proper therapy is matter of life and death for your whole family, it is very important thing!!!!
Otherwise it is not worth your and your family's waste of energy and it won't be beneficial to him either. And that means that you can't account on nothing from your husband (without proper therapy you and your kids should forget about any future with him). Don't take this too easily.
I would like to make one more point. Even your husband is honest ant have told you that he will not lie anymore because he has had difficult and problematic abusive past don't buy that easily. Because off his past he could sometimes behave compulsive and actually against his really feelings, those are main things which he should try to fix in therapy. Kind of problematic behavior is very common among survivors, be aware of this. Please read stories here in family part of discussion board. There are many examples of difficulties to which are men and women are faced on path to recovery. It is hard and long way with many ups and downs and uncertainties even when all conditions are perfect.
Be Well!
Pero

I say tread carefully. Children first. Your kids may ask for him, but I think (don't know) that abused kids have very mixed up feelings especially when the abuser is a family member. They don't want to be responsible for the family breaking up. I could not/would not let a known abuser into my house. If I wanted to keep a relationship it would be independent of my children. I couldn't bear the thought of possibly traumatizing my child despite what he or she says. I'd want them to know beyond a shadow if a doubt that I chose them. This is my opinion and to my knowledge not reflective of my situation so it's all conjecture on my part. Please take w a grain of salt if necessary .

((((Confusion4life))))

With all of the compassion I feel for you, and for the sisterly love I have for you as a fellow wife/supporter, I am going to be the odd man out and say this as gently as I can:

Yes, you are crazy!

WELCOME to the horrible whirlwind that has overtaken our lives! I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but please do hang onto us until your spinning life settles down a bit. We supporters understand your personal pain, and the beautiful survivors understand your husband's pain. Together, we help each other come back from the brink of insanity and go forward to create better, healthier lives.

I want to take my hat off to you for having the strength and the good sense to hold your husband legally accountable for his abuse against your child. Holy Cow! How many survivors here wouldn't have given their right arms to have had someone take such a firm stance for them! GOOD FOR YOU! Your resolve has obviously been no easy feat. I deeply respect you and hold you up as an example of the bravery we should all have in the face of abuse.

As for your feelings, of course you still have feelings for your husband! Many of us can attest to bewilderment at suddenly developing intense, desperate feelings for our husbands, many of whom we'd just discovered had cheated on us, given us STDs, drained our household finances to pay for prostitutes, drugs, gambling, drinking, etc. Your world is upside down right now, and your feelings are going along for the ride.

I agree with GoodHope that for now, and for sure until quality therapy is secured and valid recovery is underway, you would be well-advised to not allow your husband back into the home. You have done such good things in the wake of this nightmare; to bring him back into the family life- regardless of what your children currently say- would destroy the hard work you've already done.

Instead of focusing on your feelings for your husband, I highly recommend you work on you. Not that there's anything wrong with you, but because you have suffered tremendous trauma, you do need to care for yourself. You have children to care for, and at this point, you are all they have! You must stay well! If you don't have a therapist, please consider finding one. Your daughter will need to speak to someone, too, so perhaps you both can share this time to heal, and in doing so, will strengthen the mother/daughter bond.

You and your family will be in my prayers, Confusion4life! Be strong, and remember that this too shall pass! Every little thing's gonna be alright!

Blessings, sweet soul!
herowannabe

Confusion please remember you see your husband for the man that he is capable of being not what he is now. With love support and help he can still be that man for you. Make sure to take care of your daughter first. If he is half the man you say he is, he will understand that helping your daughter comes first. Try to keep and eye on your daughter. I know she is doing great but sometimes for no reason the temptation to start acting out becomes very strong. Acting out is when we survivors do harmful things to ourselves and others to release the pain and rage that is bottled up inside. I know you are doing this but let her know that it is OK to vent this rage in a proper manner. I hope she has the chance to fall in love with a wonderful boy but please warn her about the dangers of wanting to do harmful things with her boyfriend to release the rage. I wish you both a speedy recovery Mike

thanks pero for your advice. i am very much aware of the fact that he is not honest immediately and also not completely. i got a lot of things out of him just yesterday again, because i told him about the appointment at the voice analyses detector test. actually, it might not be fair on him but i think it is, i dont believe anything he says, unless its abusive fantasy equipped. i know he is manipulative. but i also know he suffers that he is like that. he doesnt really feel much for other people, incl me. somehow whatever he feels positively is love for me, but that doesnt keep him from destroying his own family. he NEEDS a proper, real therapy, i also know that. i am searching for it like anything. its just very difficult amoung our mountains here, where abuses just never ever happen. over here, they really keep things for themselves. they dont take abuses to the police or anywhere. they also tell the kids it didnt happen and if it did it goes on because it stays in the family. its so backwards. i will do my best. there is a centre for making switzerland "pedophile free" in zürich which is 5 hrs away. he could stay there for 3 months and then keep on working back at his job. the company allows it. if there is no other real therapy for him, then he will stay at that centre in zürich. dr. urbaniok there seems really specialized and i have talked a lot with him and he doesnt sound like the others. this will only happen if he is still a free walking man after the court trail.

thank you for your warning and i will keep on reading it again and again so that i dont do ANYTHING stupid about this.

thanks a lot!
manuela