I am married to a survivor of sexual abuse. I am his wife and we have three children and two foster children. He was a very responsible father and husband, always took care of us and was never agressive. He never even went out alone, took us for holidays. We live in a big house and we are both working, him as a programmer and me as a teacher. We always had sexual problems, he wouldnt cope with being touched. But he always said that had nothing to do with me and he doesnt know why he feels that. Whenever i took part in some way when having sex, he drifted off. i suspected he must have been abused but he said he was not as he cant remember anything like that in his childhood. but at the same time he said he cant really remember anything of his childhood, at least not much. years were missing. now he has flashbacks and memories. he knows now that his abuse has started when he was about one year old and has ended when he was about 9. the abusers were at least 2 different men and one of them was a police man from ahmedabad in india (my husband is indian). this man was always in my husbands life when he was small because he was the son of the nanny and came regularly. he abused my husbands sister and she remembers parts of it. he penetrated that little girl when she was 3, at least thats the earliest she remembers. now she is on medication because of bipolar blabla. i raise her two children, our foster children. she says she is not capable of raising them, giving them a proper life.
my husbands brother is an alcoholic and was accused once of an attempted rape but as this was in a corruptive country he was never charged. he ignores everything around him and drinks himself to death. the sister and the brother live in africa.
the brother has a small daughter of 5 years and i have asked him many times to think properly before taking the decision of destroying his child. i really hope he doesnt abuse her. all i can do here is talking because we live on a different continent.
my husband has abused our daughter from when she was almost 11 until almost 15. then she told me. she came and told me what he has done and her reason for saying it was that she simply didnt believe him anymore that he would ever stop. he has touched her everywhere and also kissed and licked her everywhere, but not penetrated her. he must have abused her about 80 times in those 4 years, if not more. most of the abuses were in the morning when he woke her up for school. he went in, touched and kissed her breasts and then let her get up and get ready for school. some of the abuses happened just like that, in any room, in the middle of the daytime, he came and just grabbed her breasts (after she had any), tried to kiss her mouth (he managed that once because she fought against it) and a lot of times also tried to touch her vagina (he managed that only before she became almost 13 because then she squeezed her legs together so hard that he couldnt get hold of it anymore without hurting her physically). while abusing her he always touched her "carefully" so that she wont get hurt. he masturbated on her with his clothes on. thats how he masturbates, prone and with full clothes on and with abusive fantasies in 98 of 100 cases, he says.
when he has sex with me, he fantasizes about some actresses whom he abuses in the fantasy, while having "normal" sex with me. he also fantasized about having a few young girls in a cellar in seperate rooms and them being ready for him to be abused and raped at anytime he wants.
my daughter was not his first abuse. when he was 19, he abused (kissed and touched breasts) another girl who was 13. she lives in the usa today and i found and contacted her. she had a lot of problems resulting from the abuse he had done on her for about 6 months when she was 13.
when he was about 17 or 18 he touched the shoulder of a sleeping 5 year old girl, the daughter of his fathers friend. this girl didnt wake up but he got scared and ran back to his bed. he says he didnt do more to her and i really hope he is saying the truth about this.
when my daughter talked to me about the abuse her father had done to her, i called him back home from the office. i confronted him and he confessed but still lied about the quantity and about the intensity. two days later my child told me the full truth and i confonted him again. i was under shock and felt really guilty for not having known this and for not having my child safed from this. i thought i had been a good mother till then. i took a video of his confession to make sure my daughter doesnt have to really be asked in front of court. i reported him to the police and i got a court order within two hours saying he is not allowed in the house and contacting any of the children. he fled to africa, to his brother and sister. this was last december.
my small son missed his dad. my already abused daughter said she misses him too. my son had a lot of aggressions and didnt want any contact. i started chatting with my husband and i also called him. he was already not allowed to call us because of the court order.
then he came back from africa, saying he rather goes to jail than losing us. he wants to face the consequences, but he is scared also. he was stopped at the airport and then taken to the local police inspector here. there he confessed again and he got the court order not to contact us officially.
he got a lawyer as he had to take one. then he had his first court hearing and he confessed. now he is waiting for the real court thing to start.
in the meantime quite some time has passed. we had a lot of talks. he promised me not to lie anymore and to do everything not to be abusive anymore. i read quite a lot of books and also healing books for partners of abuse survivors. he goes to the office, works and goes to his holiday flat we rented for him. i dont trust him with the kids. i only take our small son there if he asks for his father but i dont leave him alone with him for even a second.
my daughter talks and talked a lot about the abuse which was done to her. she wrote it all down and also writes a book which she wants to publish later on when she is out of the age of being "the abuse victim" at school if someone finds out. she confronted her dad with the abuse and HER feelings about it. she told him how disgusting it was and how much she hated it, how used she felt and how bad his old man stink was, how much she wanted him to stop because she had a crush on a boy in her class and that he was an ideot who has chosen the wrong child for his sick abuse because he should have known she would talk. i was so proud of her, bought her a new sports outfit and hugged her really tight.
my husband has flashbacks, cries uncontrollably, got paralized once after a memory coming up, drifts off and into reality - is there and not there....
i feel sorry for him. i can see he is also just one big abused child who needs me. and the worst is, i love him. the kids love him, ok...but i still love him. i know he is manipulative but i also know he is truely suffering. he feels really bad what he has done to his own daughter, but he still lives abusive fantasies for masturbation. he lies but he is honest, much more honest than he has ever been before - well, i also fixed an appointment for a voice analyse test.
my love for him doesnt go away. i want to help him, i want to support him, just like i am supporting my child.we are all not through with him and i feel i am crazy not being through with him.
he is in therapy, but with a very uncapable therapist. he told him, its a genetical thing, he IS like that and cant do anything about it. he can only live with the fact of being like that and he has to learn how to not become a criminal anymore. i think his therapist is as crazy as my husband.
now, i posted this in this forum because i am slowly but surely becoming a mess myself. 5 kids, the job as a teacher, my husbands mother who is in bed at home, my husband as abuser, my husband as survivor....
i really dont know if i am doing the right thing. i am still in some sort of relation with him, ALSO out of the reason that
i am sure if i am not, he will go to africa again and he will have less reason to change, to learn, to not be abusive.
am i crazy still loving this man??? please give me honest answers - no mercy with me!
(sorry for the spelling mistakes and the grammar - i am italian, that should explain enough
thank you all for reading this and taking part in my story. and also thank you guys from the chat for your support. it helped me much more than all those help lines and those therapists i called up. THANK YOU ALL!!!