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#389145 - 03/13/12 05:43 AM Going to prison
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Yes, that subject line is correct. I truly am preparing to go to prison (technically jail) this very evening.

I've been deep-inside many, many prisons throughout New England as a government representative for a legal research company. Tonight will be a very different trip however.

Tonight, I'll enter a juvenile jail. I'll be entering the hell that I was promised as a destination if I fumbled in the slightest way as a kid. Being sent to "Juvie" was the threat that was leveraged to scare me, rape me, control me, and nearly killed me. It was hung over my head at school, in my bicycle-riding neighborhood full of late baby-boomers and their parents who seemed to delight in having the truly "bad kid" already identified.

They all had open license to torture Rob Brown...and if he yelps, kicks, resists or objects, we'll just say we saw him ____________ . We saw him with another knife...we saw him throw a rock at another child...we saw him generally screw-up.

Its what cost me 7-years of being a warm sex-meat for four older boys with a deliberately cultivated sexual appetite. Its what made my perpetrators into bold rape-kings.

Tonight, I enter the "hall of ultimate doom" as a counselor to the boys imprisoned there.

I don't even know if my legs will fail me and turn to rubber as I approach the gate. Will my PTSD kick-in and end what may be just a fanciful and foolish attempt at "fixing things?"

Pictures at eleven.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#389146 - 03/13/12 06:01 AM Re: Going to prison [Re: Still]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
My legs are trembling for you. I wish you well.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#389147 - 03/13/12 06:09 AM Re: Going to prison [Re: dancr6]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
You amaze me Robbie, I wish I had your strength and convictions to help others as you do.
You are our Hero.
Blessings

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#389152 - 03/13/12 06:55 AM Re: Going to prison [Re: Dar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Go with God and make a difference for those boys!
Bless you for doing for them what no one did for you.
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#389156 - 03/13/12 07:38 AM Re: Going to prison [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
I wish you all luck that you've needed Robbie.
I'm sure that you'll do great and be calm there!
You can do it man, you are our hero!

Pero

_________________________
My story

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#389170 - 03/13/12 10:53 AM Re: Going to prison [Re: peroperic2009]
RollerCoaster Offline


Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA
Good luck bro ! I wish you well. They say that there are 2 steps to accomplish anything: First, its done in the mind, and then its done in real life. You have been brave enough to do the first one and won half the battle. I wish you good luck for the other half. You are indeed a hero !


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#389173 - 03/13/12 12:02 PM Re: Going to prison [Re: Still]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Robbie,

Just remember that going into a juvenile jail will be similiar just a different age. Everything will go good for you.

With what you've been through, the kids will almost instantly pick up that "something" that everyone and build an instant rapport with them and end up chatting with them. Who knows what will come from that chat - you will help many more than you could think about.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#389177 - 03/13/12 12:18 PM Re: Going to prison [Re: Sailor John]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Robbie,

I really, REALLY admire you and your courage. I hope to be able to reach out to others and teach at the depth that you are.

Thank you for your inspiration

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#389376 - 03/15/12 02:02 PM WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Here's how it went:

Ray,

Tuesday's session was one of the most amazing and positive experiences of my life. You have to be fully cognizant of the fact that I was under constant threat of being sent to Juvie in Massachusetts during a period when Juvies were Hell on Earth. So entering what was to be my destination if I tripped-up was quite intimidating. Certainly, the facility we visited shows a new era of youth corrections.

I had no fears, nerves, worries and even any degree of concern once we were inside. I actually wish they had sent me away to a place like that for the seven-years that I was being abused.

I have to take some factors into consideration as to whether or not to proceed, along with much fervent prayer:

FACTORS:
- Strain on my kids: I returned home too late for them. Right now, any time away from them is a pain-contributor.
- Other's input: For all three references and you to be concerned about 'stability,' I need to take notice.

Normally, I always go with the facts and 'known' factors when making a decision like this, and I've never been wrong in such decisions. My head and gut tells me I'd be fine with it. But for once, I'm going to take heed of other's input.

Yes, I see things as great, fine and 'doable' right now, but I do have a lot on my emotional plate right now with the divorce issues, the PTSD and my kids. So I think any reasonable person would conclude "not now," as an answer. And that IS my decision: I feel as if this endeavor is perfect for me, but not in this current era.

Let's please consider other uses for me in the future. I think I ought to be of use to the residence project given my MBA and marketing background. I'm skilled at corporate relations, fund-raising from corporations, public-relations, business-plans and so-on.

Not bringing the word to the kids I use to be is beyond painful, light-years past disappointing, and a tremendous blow to my perceived value to God. But all signs point to "not now." I'll get over that, but my kids are expressing joy with my decision...and that means a lot.

I apologize profusely for taking-up your time and energy.

God Bless you Ray and may he bless the kids you serve. Some of them are me. I was and still am "the least of these."

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#389380 - 03/15/12 02:27 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
(((Rob)))

If all signs are "not now". Take that for what it is. Live and heal now and be there for your kids. That's more important than anything I think. Once the kids are grown and off to their own lives, you'll have plenty of time.

Your heart is totally in the right place. I feel a deep pull and need to help others and help children, but for me it's kinda the same place. I know I could do it and do it well, but my oldest is 11. My kids need their dad. It hurts but it's the right decision for now.

Your value to God will never change.

My heart breaks for the wounded, but right now, my task as dad is to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure my kids don't join those ranks. Yes I know that no matter how hard to work to ensure that it could still happen, but I'll make sure I'm doing what I can.

"Not Now" doesn't mean "Not Ever".

Keep up the good fight Rob! I think you're doing a good job.


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#389384 - 03/15/12 03:57 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: JustScott]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Robbie you've decided wisely,
you have some priorities, and your children can't wait for their dad in this very moment.
Hey Robbie, you've decided good!
There will plenty of opportunities in future where you'll be able to help others. It is just bad time at the moment.
I admire considering for going into juvenile jail and counseling kids there under your circumstances. Even just try for you to think on it as real opportunity has been great accomplishment.
Your letter is full of emotions and very honest.
Thanks you for sharing it whit us. I'm honored by your acts.
Be Well!

Pero
xoxo

_________________________
My story

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#389402 - 03/15/12 07:31 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: JustScott]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Robbie --

Good report! Thanks for keeping us all in the loop.
and sounds like you're making the right decision on timing... Maybe you're getting a vision of your future and now need to find the niche for you to fill now.

What i try to tell my kids = both the 3 that are my own offspring and the ones that i teach:

Regard each day and each place where you find yourself from 2 different aspects that may seem contradictory - but really give balance -

1. Carpe diem - whatever is happening IS God's will for you right here and right now - make the most of it and don't waste it by dreaming about some future fulfillment and missing what he's giving you in the present.

2. See each time and place and opportunity not only as a gift in itself - but also as a possible stepping stone and preparation for some unknown future that may be just around the corner or further down the road. So don't get too comfortable but be prepared to move on when the time comes.

I can't tell you how many of my "failures" and "dead ends" and "wastes of time" have turned out to be just the experiences i needed to qualify me for some other assignment later on.

sorry - got carried away in the advice mode.
You are doing well - trust your own instincts tempered by the wise counsel of others.

Respectfully,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#389411 - 03/15/12 08:15 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 09:08 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#389414 - 03/15/12 08:35 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: JustScott]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I personally think you made the right decision. I took a job that put me as an emotional benefit for a group that needed it, but it was at a cost to my children. It was a short period but I would not chose it now.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#389421 - 03/15/12 11:00 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: dancr6]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Well done, Rob. Your own kids will be very blessed by this decision. There will always be other kids who will need to be ministered to at other times, but you only have a short, fleeting moment with your own.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#389437 - 03/16/12 12:21 AM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Robbie,

That was an important milestone and an important victory in your life.

Puffer


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#389705 - 03/18/12 02:15 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: pufferfish]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
My T looked at me fully stumped or disgusted that I let the opportunity go. = feel like a complete idiot as usual.

The Juvie Chaplain never wrote back (and he always replies to emails right away). = feel like dried dog sht on their pathway.

Can't say "nice try," cuz none of this is nice.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#389746 - 03/18/12 11:52 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Still]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 09:15 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#389755 - 03/19/12 12:54 AM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Still]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Robbie, you can't help anyone else if you're screwed up too. Don't confuse courage with ignoring your problems. I did that mostly because no clue what to do 15 years ago. It's easier to run away from your problems and "help" others. Truth is, you're not really helping anyone and destroying yourself in the process. I did exactly what you're doing (on a smaller scale). Granted I didn't have the help I needed available to me then (shitty therapists only). Maybe you're the same place I was. Today, I don't have the help I need either but at least I'm working on myself. No offense, but that's what you're doing. You can't run away from your problems and fill them with something else forever. That's what you're doing. Your motives are wrong. Let me help these kids so I'll look noble ignoring my own kids and family. Yeah, that'll work. Do you really need to "pray" to anyone to see that dude? This is what some call "calling out another person's bullshit." Avoiding today's problems for sometime tomorrow is only gonna hurt you more tomorrow. Yeah, that's what I saw those 10-20-30 year alcoholics do in AA meetings because they did it to themselves.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#389771 - 03/19/12 08:50 AM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: phoenix321]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I can see this Phoenix. Thanks

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#389794 - 03/19/12 02:07 PM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Knowing what we can't do (for whatever reason) is a big win.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390664 - 03/25/12 10:06 AM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Castle]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I finally heard from the Chaplain. Actually, he called and left a VM that I did not dig out for a week. So THAT'S what happened.

Anyway, though I may not be counselling with the kids for now, I am going to be putting my MBA and business experience to work for a non-profit entity that's being formed. It will be a large residence hall for girls getting out of Juvie...those who's home-life either isn't or is just plain bad.

I've never written a for-profit biz plan that did not gain the capital funding I sought (from the commercial money market). But the non-profit world is another world of realities and rules.

At the house, I'll be writing lots of proposals and handling public relations. I'll likely be stalking the Fortune-1000 for contribution, and beating on the State Colleges for significant breaks.

OH...and I can do it all in my own time and when the kids are at skool.

I like doing something for the girls!

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#390671 - 03/25/12 10:53 AM Re: WENT to Juvie - Done [Re: Still]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 09:08 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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