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#388848 - 03/09/12 06:59 PM Husband Molested as a child How can I help?
megtotheg Offline


Registered: 03/09/12
Posts: 2
Last night my husband told me that his father molested him as a preteen and a teenager. I knew that my husband had been abused mentally and physically by his father and a little by his step mother but never in a million years molested.
I have never met his father, and my husband has not talked to him in 10 years. He has kept in contact with his step mother through letters (she is not aware of the molestation.) My husband is assuming the reason his father wont contact him is because of the molestation and other abuse.

I am angry at his father for the mental and physical abuse but I am beyond ANGRY that a father could molest his son. I cant even comprehend what this has done to my husband. My husband said to me, "I never told you because you wont tell me what I want to hear." He wants to know why his dad did this to him. He's right, I cant give him any answer, because I cant understand it.
He has also told me by telling me this he doesn't want it to change anything. However I couldn't sleep last night and it's all I've been thinking about today. I have expressed my anger to him about the physical and metal abuse from his dad. But when he told me about the sexual abuse"I just listened. I had nothing to say. My mind went numb. I'm still kind of numb today.

He's been living with this secret for 20 years. I keep thinking about what he must of went through. By me not talking to him about the way it makes me feel I don't want my husband to think that I don't care or I'm sweeping it under the rug, but that I am in fact trying to educated myself on what he must of went through, so that I can help him heal.

My husband is angry and often lashes out with words. He has never abused me or our son. But I can see where his anger must come from, since all the pieces are finally coming together.

My husband is "thinking" about seeing a psychiatrist, and dealing with his abuse, because he feels it's his fault that the abuse happened. I am proud of him for just "thinking."
I hope we are headed forward with his long journey of recovery.
I was wondering if anyone could shed some light for me.


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#388851 - 03/09/12 07:33 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: megtotheg]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Welcome. I'm so sorry for the reason you are here. I think u did the right thing by just listening. It is a lot to absorb. If you or your husband is a reader, I found that learning about child rape (the preferred term is child sexual abuse CSA) it helps me to better (not completely) understand where he is coming from. I keep my rage for my husbands abusers to myself. He knows how I feel but he loves his abuser and believes his abuser loves him (family member). I mostly listen and step in only when I see clearly distorted thinking "it was my fault, I must have liked it, I came etc ." I'm still learning. The men on this board who respond in friends and family are. Ery helpful in decoding, explaining etc. hopefully they will chime in and give you better advice than I did. Come back here any time. As often as you need to.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#388853 - 03/09/12 07:38 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: GoodHope]
megtotheg Offline


Registered: 03/09/12
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for responding. I'm trying to learn as much about CSA as possible so that I can better understand my husband too. You said that you mostly listen but step in only when you see clearly distorted thinking. What do you do when you "step in" I don't even know what to say........


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#388858 - 03/09/12 08:54 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: megtotheg]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Megtotheg...

You came to the right place. There are both survivors - like me - and partners who are on the same journey as you and your H. Some of us are farther along - but all of us can learn from and support one another.

I was abused by a step-father from 5 1/2 - 13 and both bullied and abused at school, scouts and Y by peers and slightly older boys from 11-13, and molested by a total stranger adult male at 16. I am dealing with newly emerging memories even decades later. But i didn't start my road to recovery until my mid-30s and then quit about a year into therapy and just resumed 6 months ago with a 2-decade+ gap in between. Lots of unfinished business...

The fact that your H is aware of his issues at this stage of life is a very good sign. By all means, encourage the therapy idea. if he is not totally ready for that step, getting on these forums and exploring is a GREAT help - for BOTH of you. It has been a life-saver for me. Read a lot, ask questions, as you just did, and post responses. You will develop some wonderful "friendships" as you do. Many of us are also open to PMs too (- including me). Sometimes very helpful if you don't want to share with the "whole world"!

Also - my wife has been a good source of encouragement. Hang in there! sounds like you are starting out right and doing the appropriate things to support him so far!

I wish you both strength and courage for the journey.
Prevail!
Lee




Edited by traveler (03/09/12 09:17 PM)
Edit Reason: added detail
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#388860 - 03/09/12 09:28 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: traveler]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I say, "I'm sorry, that is not true. You were a child incapable of consenting." we have children under 8, that has been extremely helpful because my husband was 5 when the molestation began. I say "do you think our child could consent?" and he looked at me like that was the dumbest thing he ever heard (because IT IS dumb!) he couldn't see it until I said it that way. He had/has a hard time thinking like the 5 year old he was. It sounds like a breakthrough for him to recognize that but it's a baby step because the abuse ended when he was in his teens. In his distorted thinking he can accept that 5 year old rape was not his fault but because he didn't stop it when he got older plagues him. Again, I interject, but you were groomed for it. It felt good because your body is made to respond to sexual stimuli, your mind is designed to appreciate attention and your age meant that you couldnt appropriately understand and assimilate all that was happening to you. I can tell in HHS eyes he doesn't believe me. That's where therapy is helpful. He doesn't believe me but he believes the doc who lays out the grooming process. He hasn't embraced it yet, but he sees it. I can't be quiet when he repeats the destructive lies he tells himself outloud. I just listen when he talks about the abuse because he rarely talks about the details, they are very shameful to him. Plus, I honestly don't know what to say. He worried that I would think less of him but that's not true. I see the 5 year old he was and marvel at the (flawed but) Amazing man he is today.

I should have told you in the first post that you are probably going to need support just for you. Build your support group now. This road will probably be hard for him and therefore you. My little group (my sister, best friend, bible study group and friends ive made on this board) has kept me sane.

Everyone's journey is different though so I pray yours is smoother than mine. The best book I read for understanding CSA is SAM by Josef Spiegel. It freaked my husband out to see so many of the issues he grapples with on the pages (and to discover they are linked to his CSA!). It helped me though.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#388920 - 03/10/12 05:50 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: megtotheg]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi and Welcome to MS!

I had planned to send you a private message, but your preferences are set to not accept them. You can change this if you want in your account settings.

In the meantime, take time to breathe! Don't go too fast, or you'll crash and burn. You have a lot of really good reasons to be mad as hell right now, but don't let the anger deter you from trying to help your hubby. He obviously trusts you or he wouldn't have told you. Let him tell you what he feels he needs. Don't try to parent him, even though he could probably use it. He is the guy in charge of his recovery. But he's still getting used to that idea as he starts to get rid of all that crap he's been carrying for a long time. He'll stagger at first as he takes the first steps, but he'll be running in no time, with your love and support. Just let him know that you still love him, and that together you can figure out what will work best for you both.

Hang in there!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#388936 - 03/10/12 09:58 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: megtotheg]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi megtotheg , I am sorry to read what your husband went through ,i am glad that you have found MS and that you are there to love and support him ,i know how hard it was for me to disclose to my T about my CSA when i was 8 years old i have been living with "the secret" for 41 years, i am unable to discuss my abuse with my family as my abuser was my grandfather .I have asked the same questions why me?,how could he molest his own grandson?,it is a long journey to find answers .I have found great comfort and support here from other survivors .take care ,Andrew.

_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#389009 - 03/11/12 09:14 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: ANDREW63]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Andrew:

While I don't want to hijack this thread, I would guess that you have now found out that this was never about you. As hard as it is to hear that, it was never about you. It was about him.

I found out to that it was never about me. I was probably just another mark on the score card. While it was hard to live that at 13, it was just as hard to understand it in my 50's.

Take care.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#389013 - 03/11/12 09:33 PM Re: Husband Molested as a child How can I help? [Re: Geeders]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
megtotheg,

Welcome to MS - malesurvivor. I am sorry for the need to be here.

I am a male survivor who has been on my journey for 5 years now. I was abused by my own mother, and 3 male relatives. I say this to offer you hope in others who are healing and to say this s&*^ happens.

Your support (including shock) is important. You will have all of the same feelings for which your husband is going through. It is ok.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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