I just spent the last 48 hours comptiplating everything in my life where my life is headed where my relationships stand with the people in my life and dealing with medical issues in my life and as well dealing with a spouse that I no longer want to be with even though this spouse wants a child by me.I came back and told her that I am not saying no but that other roads nead to be researched first even if I am not to stay with this spouse which at this point I have made up my mind I want and need to divorce this spouse before things get even more screwed up then they are now if this spouse wants to have a child then fine but I don't want to be with her after several years of manipulation, physical violence and verbal abuse as well I have had enough abuse in my life I am making a conscience effort to take a stand and let this person know I have had enough I WILL NOT STAY SILENT ANYMORE NOR WILL I RUN FROM SITUATIONS.
The last 48 hours has been hell for me dealing with a spouse that gives me the third degree after stating the truth of how I feel when questioned by a doctor about being a father and whether or not I will feel comfortable being a father with medical issues on my end.I am in the process over the last 48 hours of cold turking all my medications that I am on now being Bextra,Neurontin,Zanaflex,Avinza,morphine sulfate,Trazadone I have had enough with all my medical issues and being on all these medications for so long that I am saying the hell with caring anymore about my health it is already on the downcline so why should I care anymore no more surgeries no more doctors no more medications.
I will survive as I have lived a fighter on my own without any other assistance other then from my brothers here and from those that I truely care for with a deep love and want to be with the rest of my natural days.
Things over the last several months for me has been hell and has had me thinking and feeling a lot of things which has finally came to a head and it is now time for me to stand up for what I believe in which is no more abuse from anyone in my life regardless of whomever they may be I have had enough and I have taken more then my fair share and I will not suffer at the hands of another human being by the hand that bites ABUSE.
I spent the last 48 hours alone and it was probable the best 48 hours that I have ever had as I was actually able to think clearly without any nagging from my spouse nor any bitching and I was just able to focus on my life as it has been and I am not happy where I am at now and as for the other person that walked back into my life this past month things have been great that you walked back into my life as it now has given me clear direction where I must go and where my life will head as my feelings for you have never left and is just not an infactuation with you it still clearly for me is love which by the day has gotten much stronger and more defining by the day as well.I feel so much closer to you and you know me so much better on several scales that you know me inside and out and how I think, feel,act and what my life should be not what it is now.
The love that I have had for the spouse I am with now has dwindled in my eyes and I feel distant and moving so much farther away and as someone told me I have turned cold over the last several years it is not that I have turned cold it is that I have chosen to block out the people who have caused me the most pain in my life and this spouse I am with now has caused this and has turned me away from her.I have been hurt too much in my life and I am having to make several decisions in order for me to live without being abused or without getting further damaged emotionally that I myself am distancing myself from all those in my life that I choose to let go off and those I love and care for I am drawing them so much closer to my life and I am allowing them to know me that much better and that much more and I am completely shutting out those that I do not want in my life anymore.
I will survive and I will make something of my life and I will help those that cannot help themselves for those are the people for who My days were meant for and numbered for and I have known this for so long that I have just done nothing about it and have shoved it in the back of my mind and heart that I could not think of these things until the last 48 hours as I was clearly able to function and think with out feeling clouded or my mind so clouded with other things on my mind besides what I am facing now it is almost as if the last 48 hours was meant to be in order to help me realize what I want and where my life needs to go not where it is now with all the bags and clouds interrupting me.
I have also decided I want to be with the other person that has walked back into my life as this person has such a kind and loving and care free spirit and this person has so much more to give in her life then she is now with the situation she is in I am more then willing to take on the responsibilities that comes with this person and the baggage and children as well as no one person is perfect and we all make mistakes in our lives.You know me so much more intimately and you know so much more about me and how I tick every day and what I think,feel act and want for my life as you knew things 16 years ago that no other person knew because I could trust you and I can still trust you today without you using things against me as i know you are a person that loves more then you want to get back at people.You have such a kind and loving and warm heart about you that you make people shine when they are around you,you give so much of yourself that you have not allowed other people to give back to you and this is another reason why I love you and want to be with you and this is why I care so much that I have not been able to express to you.I know I told you years ago to get lost but now is the time when I would ask you to stick around and let me show you how much I have to give and how much I can love you for the person that you are.
More to come as thoughts continue to flow....