Recently, I have found myself going for that one to being repulsed with the very idea of getting married, having sex, and the concept of love. This is a very big change for me because in the early 07's when I came on here, I didn't believe in love. Then I met someone who changed my opinion of that in the late 07's. I was okay with this up until I broke up with her in the late 08's.

I have spent my 4 or so years alone. I'm young. I'm funny. I'm a nice person all around; however, I don't have time for a girlfriend. I know this is an excuse. I don't want one. Sexuality is a fluid concept. I go each day from one point to the next. I even doubted the people I loved or I knew that loved me. Some days it just feels like I'll never get the point of love, sex, lust, etc.

I took a step to do a dating site, but that fell through as the person I was interested in was equally busy. Who has the time for stuff like this? I work a job that demands 20+ hours each week, have 10 hours of just sitting in school plus the hours whittled away for homework, and I drive half the state twice a week and an hour total for work each day. I know that is probably an excuse. If I wanted it, I could make time for it. I believe there is always time to be made. It just depends on how you structure it.

I also look at what I've been doing lately. I have a male friend who has been going through a rough time. He lost his mother due to a lawsuit she gave him. Lost his job, his surrounds, and had to move into his girlfriend's house. I've been so busy trying to juggle my life, his, and work... that I really haven't focused on me. My desires and dreams...

But I also look at it and have the feelings that I expressed above. I don't want anything to do with it. It's a non-issue. It does not exist where it once did. I know I'm just pushing it away. I'm okay with that (at the moment). Others are not.

Happiness. Love. Sex. Marriage. Children. Pleasure. These are just words to me. Should they mean something more?

The core word is relationships.

How are you connected, intimate, and related to those in your life?

Sacred,

I believe you are interested in "Happiness. Love. Sex. Marriage. Children. Pleasure." since you spoke of them.

Do you want them?

I gave them up 20 some years ago believing I was going after something better. I so identify with what you have said.

Peace,
Avery

Buck, that is the keyword thinking about what I wrote last night. I'm looking back at it now. My family is loosely connected (as family abused me I'm still not to the entire idea of sharing and such I guess). Friends are anywhere between acquaintance and "brother."

I don't feel like I'm particularly close to anyone. The attachment that I allowed myself to have to individuals is gone. I don't know if it's a reaction to something or I just gave up. Not sure.

Avery, I would like to have those things some day. I think some of those things in my list are unattainable at the moment, but I can make excuses for myself until I'm blue in the face. Am I just giving myself a load of b.s.?

Disconnect is how we protected ourselves.

Now that the abuse is over and those circumstances have changed, (we are adults, we can choose our friends and even our family) we have to stretch and learn to connect-with ourselves, our sexuality, our spirit, and our fellows.

It takes work, it is hard, it is painful, but it is like reclaiming a barren landscape or weed-infested garden. There is beauty and abundance waiting to be nurtured and patiently tended.

And there are people in your life (MS, for sure) that see that potential in you, Sacred_Sage. Fuck, your name and avatar are amazing plants that heal and bring beauty to this world!