I enter this topic here as this issue has presented itself as a sexual identity issue for me and others.

I am a member in a group of men who are sexual assault survivors. This group is a local in-person group. A member and I, have gotten to know each other outside of the group.

He asked me a few months ago, what I thought about sexual abuse and being gay. I replied "some men (and women) are gay and have NOT been abused and some men are gay and have been abused".

This issue has become clearer for ME. He is married. I am single. I was once married and have lived as a gay man. I have spent some time with him and his wife. NONE of the spending time with each other has been inappropriate.

Tonight he stated to me - that he wanted our friendship to go further. He wants more than a friendship with me. Yikes!, is what I thought at first. Inside, I was confused and said nothing for a couple of hours.

And then BAM, I got some clarity - I am going to have to disappoint him.

How many times, did I "act" to keep others happy so as NOT to disappoint them. I did NOT want to disappoint anyone as a child and I as an adult did NOT want to disappoint anyone especially the men.

To be honest with him I had to disappointment him.

*****sighs*****

He is freaking out. He is sending me emails asking if I am angry with him. This "stuff" is so messy.

Bravo ((((Avery))))!
Listen your inner self and do what you need. You won't disappoint no one.
You gonna land that friend to place called Mother Earth and well that hurts sometimes. By doing so you will do to yourself huge and beneficial healing and that worth some nuisance. You have to always appreciate yourself; sometimes it can be hard doing so; specially if some close family member never treat you like that (and we know what treatment you have had at home).
Additionally you will do some good thing to him as well.

Go in that direction. You are awesome!!!

((((((Avery)))))

Pero

Ouch!

Congratulations on your clear thinking and personal boundaries, Avery.

I think we should all make it a goal to stand our ground and disappoint people every once in a while.

IMHO: This guy is clearly out of bounds on several fronts. I've seen support groups collapse because members became sexual with each others. I've seen families/couples break up because husbands were sexual outside the marriage. And I know you are trying to develop healthy relationships and reclaim healthy intimacy and sexuality for yourself. This guy isn't helping.

I am proud that you see yourself and your needs in this.

Let us know what support you need around enforcing your boundaries and speaking your truth.