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#388714 - 03/08/12 07:42 AM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: peroperic2009]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
The fact that u went thru what u did and are getting ur life in recovery and seeking help says alot about the person you are and the person you want to be. You are a unique and very strong person for going thru this and surviving. I agree with ur statements and it is what it is. Life ain't fair and it don't help to kick and complain , as I do alot of times. But we gotta suck it up and stay focused on our recovery and what we can control from here on out. You are appreciated and you are worthy. I guarantee you that someone somewhere has thought, " I wish I could be as strong as that person or did things like this person". It is because others see our inner strength even though we don't. After having some friends write a portrait of me and I asked them to write wait they truely thought no matter how bad or good, I realized this. Hope this helps bro. You are worthy an you are a good person. Tell yourself this daily. You deserve happiness. You should have a great life. You will not let this abuse define your life any longer. You are in control.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#388868 - 03/09/12 10:56 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: Country]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
Hey Phoenix (C),
I know that you are furious and angry at the moment, no one could take that easily. I wish that my words have some power to make some change for better, but I'm powerless.
Words are plain words unless we give them some deeper meaning.
I know that you don't like compliments, emotions and such things but I do and I can't help myself. If I ever met you in real life (I hope some day I will) you'll get my hug in person no matter would you be cooperative or not wink .
Miracles are happening everyday and fortunately this world has own logic and rules, we human beings are nothing important. So what ever those doctors said outcome is unpredictable and please have some small small amount of hope left for your future. Please...
Could you think on some good stuff and some small things that you would like to achieve and you couldn't before. Take some time and let me know, I would be more than glad to give you some real support if I could do something. I wish I'm able to organize you some care here but unfortunately I can't do nothing in that respect.
I would be more than glad to do something which could at least make you feel beloved and not so lonely. Think would be helpful to send me your medical papers or at least some of them; I could try to find some doc here to discus it and to see how really bad situation is? Could that bring anything to you? I can't just sit peacefully with my laptop in front and reading about you and your terrible situation left without any hope...

Igor


Originally Posted By: Country
The fact that u went thru what u did and are getting ur life in recovery and seeking help says alot about the person you are and the person you want to be. You are a unique and very strong person for going thru this and surviving. I agree with ur statements and it is what it is. Life ain't fair and it don't help to kick and complain , as I do alot of times. But we gotta suck it up and stay focused on our recovery and what we can control from here on out. You are appreciated and you are worthy. I guarantee you that someone somewhere has thought, " I wish I could be as strong as that person or did things like this person". It is because others see our inner strength even though we don't. After having some friends write a portrait of me and I asked them to write wait they truely thought no matter how bad or good, I realized this. Hope this helps bro. You are worthy an you are a good person. Tell yourself this daily. You deserve happiness. You should have a great life. You will not let this abuse define your life any longer. You are in control.


*** WARNING *** TRIGGERING AND EXTREMELY GRAPHIC ***
.
.
.
.
.
.
You were warned if you read further.



Hey, Igor and Country,

Thank you both for responding. I appreciate it. I haven't told much else here about my "past." I will tell some here except DID. That's a weapon in the wrong hands and this is sorta public anyway. By the way, the woman in that article is 26 not 18.

People don't talk it about on here or rarely do. I self-injured for years. As a kid and an adult. I wasn't a cutter but other things. I grew up with physical abuse so why not self-injure? I quit cause I got scared. If I would've had drugs, I wouldn't have till up to nearly 32-34.

I read Demi Lovato's story today and it hit home the shit I did against myself. She's a bulimic and a cutter. She's lucky to have had rehab for 3 months but still does it some. Wrists I believe she did. Google her or check he recent Twitter posts and you'll see. Her Twitter is @ddlovato.

Self-injure can be more than just physical. It can be mental and definitely starts there. Self-hate (check), low self-esteem (check), low self-worth (check), perfectionism (IT STARTS THERE IN PERFECTIONISM YOU DUMBASS FUCKING SHRINKS!!!), etc. My hypothesis not the experts'. In the past, I've actually laughed about the psychology profession's frail understanding.

Violence against myself and anorexia did happen. The latter for like 5 years. The other till I was 32-34. CSA really is the least of my problems. The abusive childhood was the big thing. If the two assholes that raped me where alive, I would've killed both their asses with tons of pain. Torture to be honest. I won't describe it but I had a detailed plan.

The physical self-injuring came in my late teens (16-19) and 20s. I was almost a cutter. EXTREMELY GRAPHIC -- When I was suicidal (lasted from like 16-18), I used to hold a razor sharp knife and just prayed for the courage to cut (many times to kill). I may have cut too deep or it would've been discovered. I was real fucked up at the time. The other self-injure happened in my 20s and I eventually quit. It was rage. I saw it as weakness, severe weakness that just couldn't be tolerated. Self-injure hurt but it felt better than the depths of hell I was in.

I always hated, despised any feelings or emotions and ruthlessly controlled them. Still do. Truth is, the Bipolar highs saved my ass. I've lived on 100% mainlining adrenaline for a long time. All that mental stuff is just too damn easy. Of course, adrenaline is not a toy. It can hurt. My controlled highs were only exceeded by my monumental crashes. It's the only reason I didn't do drugs. Hell, didn't need to. Adrenaline and endorphin rushes weren't hard to make happen. Self-injure had nothing to do with it by the way. That only happened during depressive episodes. It was a mind trick. Sometimes I just couldn't get past the depression.

I've always lived for the moment. I have inner strength because I wanted it. Screw up my highs if I didn't. My imagination was full on since like 5-6. I lived there. Imagination, adrenaline rushes the endorphins to cool off the brain was the norm, is the norm. When people say, "If you can imagine..." I'd think, if you only knew. I could've been a great writer then but I had no support for it. My mind going in 20 different directions made it impossible. Self-hate the other 90% maybe made it just a bunch of shit.

Emptiness, even in the highs, was always there. Borderline personality disorder makes a lot of sense. Not all of it. Some of it. I was never very good to myself emotionally, or physically. Yeah, I thought I was ugly. And, to be honest, nobody else was very good to me either. Unemotional, too much trouble, something missing, not attractive as much, etc. If I could shed my body and roam the Internet mentally, hell, I'd try it probably. Damn well know I would.

Yeah, I deserve happiness, deserve this, deserve that. I looked for it for a long time. Didn't find it, nearly any of it. Thank you both for responding. It means something to me. Attention level as far as feelings to be honest and no offense intended. I just don't feel a whole hell of a lot. I'm upfront about it. I've been stuck in survival mode my whole "life" (existence). Explains that away. If I had any feelings, I was always told they were wrong, etc. I can't control those. I'm a control freak cause I had to be. Not as much. Maybe 90% now.

I'm sure this thread pissed some off here. That's what I felt. Damned if I do, damned if I don't seems to be the thing. That's why I hate, hate, hate emotions and feelings. Peace.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#388870 - 03/09/12 11:14 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3351
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Phoenix -

I admire and respect you even more for getting all that out - don't worry about anyone else's reactions. i uderstand more and can relate more as a result of having read this. you have done something that i hope will be helpful to both yourself and others by making yourself vulnerable - never fun, but sometimes a good thing...

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#388883 - 03/10/12 04:25 AM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Heeey Phoenix,
glad to see some other side of you! Thanks for being so honest with us, I know that is difficult thing, I really appreciate that!
Even you've said that you don't feel much, I can tell there is bunch of feelings in your comment, vent it out with full force...
I'm glad that you've succeeded in prevailing so many troubles and that you are today here with us.
I must be very shortsighted. I was blindly searching for some miracle that could bring some hope and one huge is siting just here in front of me. I'm blind actually.
It is you Phoenix. You are huge miracle and fact that you are here today with us. We should celebrate that, no matter for those recent terrible news... I've found some light here and it lights through you man, I don't know can you see it but I can...
No doubt I'm seeing small boy of 5-6 years sitting inside you armed whit huge wisdom and unimaginable strength forcing and battling huge horde of beasts for long time.
Don't be scared of others and yourself; tell us more, tell us all what you have. Escape being too graphic explaining things that bothers you the most (and that could be weapon in arms of others). Use some analogy, parabola or whatsoever...

"My imagination was full on since like 5-6. I lived there."
Please tell us more about your imagination, I'm thrilled to know...This somehow relates to my feelings as small boy, who was left aside sometimes by parents.
To be able to survive I've had to create not one but many different secret worlds in my mind. That was my escape from problems, pain and reality. Even today sometimes I can jump in those distant and beautiful places...
What are yours, I'm sure that you have had not one but many? Let us see your talent in full, please share some with us. This would mean a lot!!!

I can't help myself, I'm quite opposite of you, no matter what ever you told us, in your threads/comments I can't change my sympathies for you. That's what I've felt and that's what kind of man I'm.
I've already told you, there is nor man nor thing in this universe (including you) who could ruin my faith in you. Damned if I do, damned if I ever be fragile and try to challenge that faith. That's why I love, love, love feelings and emotions; those are main reasons for my existence. Peace.


_________________________
My story

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#388894 - 03/10/12 10:17 AM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: peroperic2009]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
Quote:
My imagination was full on since like 5-6. I lived there. Imagination, adrenaline rushes the endorphins to cool off the brain was the norm, is the norm. When people say, "If you can imagine..." I'd think, if you only knew. I could've been a great writer then but I had no support for it. My mind going in 20 different directions made it impossible. Self-hate the other 90% maybe made it just a bunch of shit.


I relate to that SO SO much! When I talked to my T about fantasy and intrusive thoughts etc, she had no way of knowing that literally I spent more time in my head than in real life. I told her once that as a child, hell I still do it at times to be honest, I'll 'relive' interactions and situations in my head except they'll come out how I want them, I'll say all the things I can't say in real life, people will react like I think they should etc. I explained that to my T once and she said it was "brilliant", as she was looking at it from a 'surviving' standpoint and said it was a brilliant survival mechanism. Maybe it is, I don't know, but the next question that still hasn't been answered is, how the heck do I turn it off now that I don't need it?

For me though, I love my emotions. I feel all the time and very deeply and very passionately... but what comes out to all those around me? Little to nothing sadly. Part cheeseburger, part self worth issues, part just me.

Last note.... I see nothing in this thread that should have pissed anyone off.... if it did.... sorry PO'd people, who gives a crap? They're your thoughts and feelings and they are valid regardless of who does or doesn't agree.

:-)

Don't stop fighting. While there is life there is hope.


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#388911 - 03/10/12 04:05 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
...you have done something that i hope will be helpful to both yourself and others by making yourself vulnerable - never fun, but sometimes a good thing...
Lee


Vulnerable. Wow, Lee, that is a rare, rare, rare thing for me to do. I'm sorry you relate to this stuff. Means you've been through lots of shit like me. frown I do wonder why MS doesn't talk much about self-injuring. It's a disservice to survivors. Sites for tweens, teens and women talk about it all the time. The story on Demi Lovato (she cuts her arms) cutting triggered me thinking back on it. Perfectionism is another thing that should get more press on MS. I quit self-injuring all the sudden. Just quit.

I gotta do a few things. Be back on later to answer the other posts. Be back. Food calls.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#388921 - 03/10/12 06:29 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: peroperic2009]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

I can't help myself, I'm quite opposite of you, no matter what ever you told us, in your threads/comments I can't change my sympathies for you. That's what I've felt and that's what kind of man I'm.
I've already told you, there is nor man nor thing in this universe (including you) who could ruin my faith in you. Damned if I do, damned if I ever be fragile and try to challenge that faith. That's why I love, love, love feelings and emotions; those are main reasons for my existence. Peace.


Hey, Igor,

Thank you for the compliments. It really sounds like you've accomplished a lot emotionally. Your words feel like the emotional type, and that's good. You're a special guy. smile

Explaining self-injuring in the past does trigger me by pissing me off. It was dumb for me to do. No stupid dumb, just dumb. Demi Lovato's story triggered me to think about it. Not do it, just think about it.

A pearl drops in infinity. A lot of my stuff was on diskettes and couldn't be retrieved. Thinking about writing again. Thanks again, Pero, you're a peach. -Phoenix, xoxo

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#388923 - 03/10/12 06:35 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Quote:
My imagination was full on since like 5-6. I lived there. Imagination, adrenaline rushes the endorphins to cool off the brain was the norm, is the norm. When people say, "If you can imagine..." I'd think, if you only knew. I could've been a great writer then but I had no support for it. My mind going in 20 different directions made it impossible. Self-hate the other 90% maybe made it just a bunch of shit.


I explained that to my T once and she said it was "brilliant", as she was looking at it from a 'surviving' standpoint and said it was a brilliant survival mechanism. Maybe it is, I don't know, but the next question that still hasn't been answered is, how the heck do I turn it off now that I don't need it?

For me though, I love my emotions. I feel all the time and very deeply and very passionately... but what comes out to all those around me? Little to nothing sadly. Part cheeseburger, part self worth issues, part just me.

Last note.... I see nothing in this thread that should have pissed anyone off.... if it did.... sorry PO'd people, who gives a crap? They're your thoughts and feelings and they are valid regardless of who does or doesn't agree.

:-)

Don't stop fighting. While there is life there is hope.


Scott,

No idea how to turn it off. It used to irritate the hell out of me. We seem to have a lot in common except the liking emotions part. Sharing it is difficult I know. Damned if I did, damned if I don't. Too much, too little. That's what people said to me. Thanks, Scott. If I pissed off a few, fuck 'em. Some people are just too damn sensitive. How did you get to "control" the chaos called emotions? -Phoenix, xoxo

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#388928 - 03/10/12 08:27 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
Control of emotions.... there's a good one!! ;-)
I'm still working on that one. When I started seeing a T, she put me on some anti-depressants.... after 2 weeks though I stopped because it made me so middle of the road I couldn't stand it! Not that I was numb, but I couldn't get excited and I could cry when I needed to, and during that time... I really really needed to. Sometimes my emotions are so all over that it makes working hard, but I manage. For me the emotions are an indicator that helps me figure out what's going on inside me. Takes a lot of thinking and working through it, but it does help.

Quote:
I do wonder why MS doesn't talk much about self-injuring.

Actually there is a place on MS where people do talk about it... It's not talked about openly because it triggers a lot of people and sometimes pretty badly apparently. I've found that most people who self-injure are not comfortable talking about it openly though. If you're interested in being part of the section where people do talk about it, let me know and I'll send ya a PM about it.


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#388940 - 03/10/12 10:39 PM Re: Men are Expendable [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hey, Pero, I appreciate you wanting to take that stuff to docs. I got my echocardiogram and it said my ejection fraction was 40%. Not bad, not good. Not much enlargement of the heart. Thank you so much for your concern. smile

Hey, Scott, Anti-depressants are yummy to me. Give me one and a couple hours later my ass is as high as a kite! I wondered why they didn't talk about it. Mental self-sabotage (self-hate) is really what I'd be interested in. Gotten way better with it. I don't self-injure physically anymore. Over 10 years or so since that.

Perhaps MS should put these "private" areas rosters somewhere where anyone can see they exist. Pay areas I guess? When I registered it had a pay area (I'm broke so ain't happening anyway) and wondered what the big deal was. Other than Singer answering some questions, it didn't make much sense to me. A list of such things might bring more people in rather than them think like I did. Thank you. I'll think about it.

Emotions all over the place is what I'd hate. I'm not gonna sit and mourn and cry for years and years over the past. It happened, let's fix it is my thoughts. I want good or so-so emotional thoughts/things not nightmares.

I just don't get life, love, emotions, social skills, boundaries, etc. Intellectually I'm burned out to a degree. People will say, "I'm valuable." Have had enough examples of why I wasn't to somebody to disbelieve that. "As long as I don't cost, right?" is what I say. You, Igor, and some others here are really great people. Thank you so much for being there.

Phoenix
xoxo

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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