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#388518 - 03/06/12 10:16 AM Hi everyone TRIGGER
son Offline


Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
Hey guys. I'm a 32 year old gay man. Just had a not great experience on another online support community about my assault. So though I'd check this out.

Not sure what I'm looking for... maybe a sense of community. I thought I'd reach out. I'm a survivor of childhood as well as adult assault. This is all new to me. Just started addressing it.



Edited by son (03/06/12 12:28 PM)

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#388519 - 03/06/12 10:28 AM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Welcome to MaleSurvivor son. I hope and believe your experience here will be better. I know though how much ignorance and lack of help there is around all these issues out in the world.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#388520 - 03/06/12 10:32 AM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Welcome to MS dear Son!
I'm sorry that you were searching for such place/community, obviously you have had some bad experience in your life and you need some healing. Nevertheless you are at best place to address those issues. Tell us more about yourself, we are here to listen. This is safe place and people are very supportive.
Here is some stuff for someone who is first time here, there is even some homework for you there smile
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
Please be aware of possibility to become member of this site. There is part of board accessible just for members and not for public/google (I wish that someone told me this at my start).
Once more I wish you welcome at MS site!!!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#388523 - 03/06/12 11:25 AM Re: Hi everyone [Re: peroperic2009]
son Offline


Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
Thank you for the warm welcome.

TRIGGER

Not sure where to begin. First I want to say after reading the experiences of some men here I feel almost guilty reaching out because I don't think my experiences are even close. And also I'm afraid to trigger others because I know what this is like and I care for other survivors emotional states. So maybe a TRIGGER warning is necessary.

When I was 4 my cousin, who is 2 years older than me, taught me to perform oral sex on him. This continued until I was 9. He was abusive to me in front of our siblings, but when we were alone he would ask me do things with him. I was excited by this but also wanted his approval, hoping that afterwards he'd be nicer to me. WHen I did things for him was the only time he treated me well. He must have been abused too.

At 14 a man in his mid thirties befriended me and gained my trust. I saw him as a parental figure. He came onto my in his apartment, got on top of me and told me to try to get away. He bit me. I don't remember how it ended. I spent one more afternoon with him. No idea why. He bought me lunch and then told me I was taking advantage of him when I would not go up to apartment again. I was afraid.

I have the sense that something, at a very young age, happened with my father. I have no memory of csa with him but I remember seeing him naked. He did other things to me I will not write here because they are too upsetting for others to know about.

Last year while I was on vacation, I became black out drunk for the first time in my life. I'm dx bipolar (I hope this is ok to say) and part of my manic episode involved attraction to risky situations, alcohol abuse, impulsiveness, and hypersexuality. I have few memories of what happened. They're all still images. I got myself into some kind of bondage scene with two men that I didn't know. I remember not being able to walk, slurring my words, and being so confused about what was taking place that I couldn't comprehend it. I became very scared when a collar was put on me and when I realized that someone was behind me having intercourse with me I left. Not really sure how. I woke up bleeding in my hotel bed about 10 hours later. The next day I was shaking, lost my appetite, and was afraid to leave the house. I stayed in bed and just felt like I wanted to die. I don't think it was rape. Apparently I consented. But I know I was not in a state to really understand what was happening to me. All of it, as it happened, was a surprise. I know I was taken advantage of.

In general, I have a deep sense of shame about my sexuality. I go through periods of being intensely sexual, and periods, like now, of wanting nothing to do with it.

I've been attracted to risky situations where I'm powerless. I think I'm trying to master these situations.

I see a thread here about what I'm about to add, which is deeply upsetting to some so I want to respect this and let everyone know I care for their personal truths. I've lately been drawn to daddy/son roleplaying. I don't know that I'm even interested in the sex. Actually I'm not at all. I just want to be held by another man and told that I am safe and loved. That I'm good, and am ok the way I am.

Mostly what I could use right now is men to say hi and that I am welcome. Like a big hug.



Edited by son (03/06/12 12:47 PM)

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#388525 - 03/06/12 12:06 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Son,
you are really quick learner smile!
Take it slowly man, just relax and for beginning start to communicate with brothers and browse through this site.
I'm sorry that you have had such terrible experience, it must be hard for you! Obviously you are at right place. Many of us are regularly feeling low and look for some "extra" excitement actions including dangerous sex, drugs and alcohol overuse and similar things which could give us some high drive. Our brain was being exposed to traumatic experience and later is looking for repetition of such experiences. Dealing with such compulsive behavior and getting some control on it is main goal of our healing and recovery.
Get familiar what are rules and guidelines and feel at home. With time maybe you could think to revel your story in part of discussion board called Survivors Stories: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=6&page=1
like you are almost did now wink including maybe all things that bothers you (like you've mentioned about your dad), but really take it slowly, there is no need to hurry, and there is no big risk for triggering someone if you put "trigger warning" sign in subject of thread - that is basic rule here and we are familiar what to expect when seeing such sign. In Survivors Stories part of discussion board it is not allowed to make comments to threads (be aware that there are some rules like that).
Let your feelings guide you...
You would be surprised how many of us have some similarities in our stories.
I'm almost same age as you (35) and with some problems relating to starting family, intimacy and SSA (same sex attraction).
I've read many threads in Ask the Sex Doc part of discussion board:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=76
There are questions by survivors and answers from expert related to those issues. I've found many answers there related to this kind of problems and it is really helpful, try it.
You should think about issues and problems that bother you and post threads about them. Sharing your thoughts will do good, you'll get some confidence and support from other people. Additional resource is chat room and direct communication to other survivors, there are moderated sessions called Healing circle in chat room at some days during week at evenings (Sundays and Wednesdays). I tried it just once and it was awesome. Here are guidelines for that:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=370348#Post370348
Explore this site and heal!!!!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#388526 - 03/06/12 12:06 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 51
Hi "son": WELCOME to this malesurvivor website. I hope you will find some real comfort here.

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#388529 - 03/06/12 12:31 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: Older1]
son Offline


Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York
Peroperic: Thx for heads up about a better place for my story. I see there is a lot to learn about etiquette here and I'm going to familiarize myself with it, and take things slow as you say. I'm so glad to have found this fellowship when I needed it.

Older: Thx for understanding how I feel lately. I really appreciate it.


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#388548 - 03/06/12 03:04 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Welcome Son. So sorry to hear about your pain. You will find that on this board you can tell your stories no matter how scary, vile or embarasssing they may seem to you and you will only find support. The only person who has ever said I am F'd up is me. wink

You will find you are very welcome here and will find a lot of support. Also don't worry about posting all of your same sex attraction/gay stuff here. I do write about gay stuff on the main board if it is about healing from the abuse in general. I'm gay and thought I had to write everything here and to be honest was kind of afraid of potentially being bashed on the general page for some reason. Boy was I wrong brother. The support for me has been incredible.

Once again, a warm welcome to you son. Big hugs.

Alex


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#388666 - 03/07/12 10:09 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: son]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Son, and welcome to MS:

In this community, I believe that you will find the most incredibly caring, non-judgmental men in the world. We have all had things done to us that have embarrassed us, and made us feel different. And over time, some have even learned how and where to re-place the shame and guilt they have carried for so long; where it has always belonged-on their abusers.

Take your time as you read different things. There is a lot of info to absorb. And it can trigger many emotions that are probably pretty raw, and near the surface right now. Take it easy on yourself. Over time you'll meet many wonderful gentlemen who, like you, are looking to find others like themselves. We form quite a caring constituency I can assure you.

Feel free to ask any questions you need answered. There are no silly, or dumb questions. We have all been new at this at some point.

Welcome again. I hope this is the beginning of a whole bunch of wonderful, new, fulfilling, and sustaining friendships for you.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#388765 - 03/08/12 05:19 PM Re: Hi everyone [Re: Geeders]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
Son

Your heartfelt story and willingness to share it is such a great start to a process that can change so many things in your life.

You, like most of us were never held as a child in those very early years and just told "ITS GOING TO BE OK". You were likely never entitled to make mistakes. To be a human.

This place and the work you do will help you see you are more than human, you are a special person that has survived so much already. Many don't.

I think the best thing i heard earlier in the process was "when is seems like there is NO HOPE , BORROW SOME."

The pattern you described sadly is so ununique, and maybe that's what makes it a little easier. Shedding those negative self-talk feelings so you don't have to shoulder all of it.

Find out as much as you can, educate yourself, move forward.

Take care bro

grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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