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#388303 - 03/04/12 11:38 PM my children/grandchildren
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hello.

I have not talked with my children who are 26 and 25 now for nearly 12 years. My daughter is 26 - soon to be 27. My son is 25.

I have not had contact because 1. my ex-wife did not want me in their lives and when she got remarried - they filed for adoption and 2. I could not handle the negativity and was not AWARE of my csa issues at that time - I have buried the CSA deeply.

I divorced my ex-wife 22 years ago due to having SSA issues. I admitted to having SSA issues. I believed everything she said about me. I thought I was a shxx-head.

I am AWARE now of the true underlying issue (CSA-incest). I ran away from the people who where my abusers namely my mother.

I would like to have contact with my children, their spouses and my granchildren. I have found out - internet offers ways to find out - I have 3 grandchildren now. Also, I am wanting to make amends to my ex-wife (in a different post). BUT, I am terrified of what they think of me.

I am ready to "face" them. I want to know them and for them to know me.

I know now I left my family when my daughter was the same age as I when I was abused.

NO excuses here - I know my absence from their lives was a very bad thing.

Thanks,
AVery



Edited by Avery46 (03/04/12 11:41 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#388334 - 03/05/12 07:41 AM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Sounds like a big step.

Sounds like a lot of that distance was at the request of their mother and not totally your choice, although I wouldn't ride in under the banner of "mom didn't want me there..."

Put out feelers, be honest in your intent and take it really slowly. They may/may not have negative feelings depending on what they know of the situation.


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#388352 - 03/05/12 10:53 AM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: JustScott]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
JustScott,

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your suggestions/feedback.

I view this process with joy, hope and sorrow. I know it will not be easy.

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#389702 - 03/18/12 01:43 PM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am sitting down at this moment to start the process of writing to my daughter and son. I will also write a letter to my ex-wife who I refer to as my wife in my prayers - Hmmmmm interesting.

I write to them with a clear a heart, mind and spirit as I can. I will not write or use of being a victim, only as a survivor.

I will let you all know how it is going.

Love you all,
Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#389764 - 03/19/12 04:48 AM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Avery, you're ex-wife was a bitch for taking your kids away for you. Sorry, man.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#389872 - 03/20/12 12:12 AM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: phoenix321]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I think you are on the right track Avery. Best of luck in this bud. I am praying for u and them

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#389873 - 03/20/12 12:21 AM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Country]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
I hope things go better for you this time man.


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#404652 - 07/24/12 04:45 PM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Well it has been awhile but, I finally wrote and mailed a letter to my son.

I prayed and prayed and counseled with several friends and meditated on the advise of you all here.

I quote myself from the beginning of this post "NO excuses here -I know my absence from their lives was a very bad thing."

I wrote here in this post that I began writing the letter months ago. Well I threw away that letter before sending it.

I have indeed wrote a letter and mailed it.

My prayer is that my son who has children of his own will be able to meditate on his own worth as a person - a son - and know is father (me) was the one to at fault for being absent from his life.

Very humble,
Avery
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#404656 - 07/24/12 05:35 PM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
Afldman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Avery. Don't despair. My father left me and my family early on to be with another woman. Not at all your situation, however it caused a lot of strife in our lives. I mention this only to add that my brother HATED him, my sister, couldn't tolorate him, and I accepted (I am the youngest, and this all happened as my CSA was just starting).

Fastforward 30+ years and now my brother is his care taker, my sister is his legal aid, and I live on the other side of the continent, but still love him.

My point? Everybody reacts differently. Everybody heals at different rates. Your idea of praying and meditating seem to me like excellent ideas.

IF they simply can't accept you back into their lives, may I suggest accepting that? I too have children and if I could not associate with them, I think I would have a rough time of it. But please don't entirely blame yourself. We all know how difficult the emotional strain on you must be now, and then.

Take care, Pete
_________________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

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#404657 - 07/24/12 05:45 PM Re: my children/grandchildren [Re: Avery46]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Avery, it is so good to see you here wink
I hope that you'll get some positive outcome from your children. You have had many difficulties in your life and you deserve some positive and good things to happen.
I'll have you in my prayers.
Pero
_________________________
My story

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