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#3875 - 08/07/03 02:03 PM Need advice!
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
Hi again!

I have the same problem and it comes back again and again. I thought that I would just plainly write it out here and see if any of you had any similar experience.
Thanks beforehand
The way I stand sexually, this is a big issue for me, cause it is scary and a messy area in my mind, is that the attraction is exclusively directed towards women, but what occupies my mind a lot are thoughts about other men's penises. I have worked with this problem A LOT.
I beleve it has to do with the fact that my father enjoyed my touch there so much and seemed to love me then. This has planted itself in me. Always when I tink about another man's penis I think that I will get an erection, but instead I get afraid. So fear and sex is combined somehow.
I have tried to work on this so much and it affects me a lot.

I have tried to think just freely, but it doesn't work. I get so worked up and afraid and the panic doesn't end. Then I try not to think about it and that is hard cause it tries to bop up anyway. After a day or two I get very masculine emotions and I notice that the way I perceive myself and the world chnages, I sort of grow alot, feel taller mentally and emotionally and my desire for women gets even stronger than usual. What is wrong with me? Why can't this leave me alone? Won't I ever be safe?

What am I to do?

Am I crazy?

Thank you,

Eric

_________________________
Erik

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#3876 - 08/07/03 02:25 PM Re: Need advice!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Eric: You are not crazy; just hotwired from your sa.


As a child your father's penis would have seemed enormous to you especially in comparison to yours. I have had similar problems with fixation. That is why I am always feeling less than adequate in the sexual department because mine was never capable of doing what there's was.

What you have to do Eric is recognize where it is coming from and I think you have and then work towards a solution to destroy the hotwire put there by your father.

Hope I dont offend you!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#3877 - 08/07/03 11:31 PM Re: Need advice!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Eric,

Thanks for trusting us with that problem

It seem, from the posts here, that most of us get fixated on the penis that raped us, or that we had to touch or suck or whatever. Then, since every man has one, every man can be a bit of a mystery to us.

I got fixated on both the penis and young mens butts. Young, because my perp only wanted me young, and he was whacko about my butt. So I would look and wonder about what was so great about butts that he could not leave his hands off mine.

The therapist probably know why we fixate on these organs. For me, I think they have become a symbol. A symbol of our perp. So, I have just come to accept that I will probably always wonder why sucking him was not enough to have him be gentler with me. And I think I am freely admit today, that some young men do have attractive butts--hopefully, enjoyed by their wives or girl friends. They ppose no threat to me. So, they don't bother me a lot.

I hope you will get some peace of mind about all of that and simply enjoy that you are a man and that you are darned glad the the world is not made of men only.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#3878 - 08/08/03 09:35 AM Re: Need advice!
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Fellows,

I think there is something profoundly holy about having the round right ability to admire the assets of creation, particularly those of the physical body. It is not necessary to feel guilt or shame because we see and feel stirred to a transcendant state. That's not the lust that we are warned about.

The lust we are warned about is the brand that our perps placed upon us, and like mike implies, there is a tendency for us to relate all things sexual as "evil" or gross because of the spirit in which these new aspects of creation were introduced to our tender psyche's.

I have been dealing a lot lately with my own self-loathing, and how it pertains to my perception of the body and sexual organs--both mine and others. I don't think we are supposed to hate anything about the manifest aspects of our nature.

Eric, you are on the right track; you are asking all the right questions and getting all the solid answers you require......I guess we must share the same roadmap. The roadmap usually leads to more questions, but as long as you have a "next" question, you have a new "quest", which makes life less of an impossible dream or nightmare as the case may be.

I hope that in coming here your quest becomes the former. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking. Remember that in the picture, when truth comes knocking at your door, that there is no doorknob allowing access from the outside. There is only a doorknob on the inside. Isn't that awesome?

Thanks for asking the proliferating questions Eric,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#3879 - 08/08/03 08:47 PM Re: Need advice!
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I feel most not adequate, to respond at this, and I think that is why I try to respond, because it is problem that does bother at me also.

I never have the attraction at men, only at women, even though I never do of anything sexual at a woman yet.

But, what it is of me, to even think of that, anything sexual, it feels bad and dirty at me. And, it is something I never even do at myself. I almost once, and it was wrong, I did not wish do of it, but was trying to not make another mad at me. But always, it feels wrong, and shamed. It is amazing at me, that people here can speak open of it, and can have relationships, or do it of themselves if not in relationship. I hope some time I get at that point, where it does not all just feel evil.

I think you get good advice here, to appreciate of yourself, and to try to accept the feelings, not try to use of them to push yourself down. I wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#3880 - 08/09/03 11:46 AM Re: Need advice!
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Eric - Some of what you are experiencing is what I refer to as scars from the past. Everyone has scars from some past episodes (I believe). Some are on the outside and some on the inside. When the scars are on the outside, others may marvel at how painful the scar looks to them but to the scarred person, you may hardly notice it or it may be visible everyday in front of your eyes.

The looking and sometimes going up in your head are scars I carry from my abuse. They used to bother me and force me to struggle; yet, I would "window shop" (it's term) again and again. Finally, my T and I concluded that it was a habit that was left over from my extensive sexual abuse that held no current significant meaning i.e. I didn't want sex with that person; I didn't even want to meet that person; I didn't fantasize about that person; 2 seconds after I saw that person I had no memory of them (usually). It was something I did that if seen as a scar that comes and goes, was relatively harmless. The harm was the stress I put on myself to push it away - deny it - beat myself up and all those other "good" things. As I just accepted it as a scar from the past, I was able to de-stress, let it go and found it was not happening as often as I thought.

Now, if it happens more often or it gets up in your head (fantasies: if dwelt on can result in erections) or if it stresses you out - etc., perhaps there is more going on...I mean it may represent a need, usually non-sexual such as male companionship or friendship which got sexualized somewhere in the past. You and your T may work it out then.

After the trauma we experienced in our pasts, the world may still have scars and bumps in the road but we can cope with them to bring about a satisfactory, enjoyable life.

Hoped it helped! Questions? PM me!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#3881 - 08/09/03 04:23 PM Re: Need advice!
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
First of all thank you all for responding. It means a lot to me. Probably more than I am able to perceive at this point in my life.

Secondly, I will make an effort to be more specific this time.

I know that there is some truth in the fact that what I actually want is companionship but I know no other way than a sexual relationship. However such a relationship scares me and I don't want it but the little boy persists and sees himself only as giving to other men. I guess that is part of the obsession.
I also think that it is a means for my mind to push away all the pain and deny the truth.

Some of you have suggested here that I should try to leave it and not deny my thoughts. As I tried to say earlier it gets really bad if I think freely. I get panic, feel a lot of shame, sort of choked, cannot think at all, I just exist. The feelings are so strong. It doesn't get better I have tried day after day to just let it be.
It is enourmously frustrating. It is like some part of me all the time wants me down into the shit, cause that is where I am used to be. To be humiliated. A place where I don't stand up for myself and recognise that I have any rights at all. Everything goes. I know that is part of it too. Habit.

I think I need to try and change the habit.

I also think I could compare it to some kind of drug. I built up the fixation as a kid and it hasn't left yet.

It is also a way to disarm men. If I imagine what their penises look like. I have some control. But the truth is that the opposite happens. They become my perps.

It is very tiring to always need to control certain feelings so that I won't live in the snake pit all the time.

I am a man with a lot of responsibility. I can't just feel bad all the time cause I need to feed my wounded psyche with pain.
My daughter needs support and so does my wife and so does my kids at shool and assistants in my class. I must be able to think straight.

I guess I am still so scared. Perhaps I am oversensitive?

I noticed today that to relax for me is very hard. Part of the problem is that my dad told me to relax while he was doing abusive stuff. So I think that relaxing is fearsome and uncertain, something will happen. Someone will take advantage of me. This is not my reason speaking, but the voice of the sared boy.

Sorry about all this. I just need to clarify myself.

Lastly I also need to get out that I don't seem to be much supportive right now, just milking you for support. I hope this will change soon for me.

All of you take care!

Eric

_________________________
Erik

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#3882 - 08/09/03 07:53 PM Re: Need advice!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Eric, it is always so hard to see how much a man suffers from CSA. I wish there were some words or even some medicine that would make us all feel healthy. But, it does not look like there ever will be such.

All I can say is to hold on. Just telling us of your sruggle is very helpful to many of us. Sometimes it is saying what we have not dared say.

If it is posible Erci, take in all the love your wife, daughter and students give you. It won't make things ok, but they will hurt less.

Men like Ken Singer and our other therapist here have such a better understanding why it is that we get fixated, or that we feel the need to take risks, or that we become obsessive etc. Just knowing someone understands us, sure makes me feel safer, and I hope that it does you as well.

You are a good man Eric, I am sorry your suffering is so great just now. But, it seems, eventually all things pass, and the sun shines, or we hear a great song or whatever, and we know that we are ok for a while again.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#3883 - 08/09/03 10:47 PM Re: Need advice!
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
It is like some part of me all the time wants me down into the shit, cause that is where I am used to be.
Eric,

I think I know what you mean. I wrote this in a more private correspondence to another survivor recently:
Quote:
I think that I do stupid shit sometimes because I know I can get my world back to something familiar that way. When life is going well, I get scared wondering how bad things "really are." After all, this going well stuff means I'm missing something, slow on the uptake, out of the loop. So I take control (there's that word) by forcing things back to shitty, on my terms and my schedule. "Ahh, this is more like it; I know the lay of this land like the back of my hand."
It seems to be like what you wrote.

Quote:
I don't seem to be much supportive right now
You helped me, because I see myself in your words. I feel less alone.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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