Newest Members
ShinTensei, jaklumen, Bennett, 0128, jeremywickers
12505 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Drea (31), gpdno (47), serb guy (49), Thomas8221 (60), UncleClover (43)
Who's Online
2 registered (Shyshark, 1 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12505 Members
74 Forums
64197 Topics
447996 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#388244 - 03/04/12 11:21 AM Sexually aroused by memories? Advice?
misskilez Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 4
Hello All,

My (now ex) boyfriend recently came to understand that he was molested (by an authority figure) as a child. (11 at age of event, currently 23). For years he has suffered with chronic anxiety, stress, depression, suicidal thoughts and general feelings of worthlessness.

After having nightmares and slowly piecing together what happened to him he is now aware and able to acknowledge what happened to him. In the two weeks since this has occurred he has broken down.

I wanted to ask advice on something as well. He feels ashamed and embarrassed because talking about the abuse makes him become sexually aroused. I'm wondering if this may be a common occurrence among other survivors. He also has told me that his sex drive is different now that all this has surfaced.

I'm just wondering if this is common so at least he won't feel so alone in the matter. Any advice would be appreciated.


Top
#388254 - 03/04/12 11:58 AM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: misskilez]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi and welcome to MS!
Your question is very common thing among survivors, many of us have had such body response during abuse and later on. It is like or body doesn't listen us and play some play against our free will. Thing is that our private parts responded to stimulation regardless of the situation and that traumatic experience left scar. Can you bring your boyfriend to MS, it could be very helpful to him?
Here is booklet that you could show him:
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/pdfs/nfntsx-visac-males_e.pdf
Be Well!
Pero

_________________________
My story

Top
#388263 - 03/04/12 02:39 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: peroperic2009]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
It's a normal response. My husbands therapist told him she would have been surprised and thought he was lying if he reported back to her that it didn't happen (he was perplexed by it as well).

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#388270 - 03/04/12 04:04 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: misskilez]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Sent you a PM. Please check the flashing icon by "My Stuff" if you see it.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
#388286 - 03/04/12 07:04 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: Geeders]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Misskilez & xbf:

This is absolutely "normal" for a guy in such a situation - abnormal to the outsiders - but totally predictable for an abuse survivor. I have experienced it myself - and it is one of the most confusing, disturbing and upsetting aspects of the memories. The physical sensations of beiing molested were especially intense because of the adrenaline and stress. Frankly - i became aroused by the touching - even tho i hated it and tried to avoid and deny it. That part of the incidents was pleasurable. Then the physical reaction became linked with the circumstances. so later the memory of abuse triggers an erection. And you feel dirty and sick and perverted and weird and freakish for getting off on such an ugly event and the memories of it. And then you think "I must have wanted it or liked it because the physical evidence can't lie." and "What does that say about me?" And that causes lots of doubt and self-condemnation and loathing and conflict and turmoil related to self-image and sexual identity and it is overwhelming and you feel unable to deal with it all. then depression and anger and a downward spiral... And the sex drive is also affected, as you say. Some guys shut down and can't do it for a while. Others - like me - go into over-drive - temporarily obsessed sex maniacs that can't shut off the urge. Either way - it is a way of trying to cope. very worrying at the time, but it passes with time and therapy and working at the issues. But it is also one of the most difficult things for a man to admit to himself or others and to talk about. For him to have talked about it is a great and encouraging step on the right road. eventually he can separate the different strands in this tangled knot and it will all get smoother and straighter (pun intended!).

Hope this helps.
Lee



Edited by traveler (03/04/12 07:07 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#388298 - 03/04/12 10:58 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: traveler]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Normal

_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

Top
#388348 - 03/05/12 10:33 AM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: Still]
misskilez Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 4
Thank you to all who have replied. Your advice has already given me more information than I've been able to find on the subject in two weeks. Unfortunately I cannot bring him to MS as we are located in Australia. I have been researching local groups here but found the information and forum on MS very detailed and helpful. My ex says he is not yet comfortable speaking to a therapist or a support group in person and would rather join an online community first.


Top
#388395 - 03/05/12 06:41 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: misskilez]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
There are a few Aussies in the MS population. Grundy comes to mind. Maybe he can help.


Top
#388412 - 03/05/12 08:52 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Misskilez -

*** My ex says he is not yet comfortable speaking to a therapist or a support group in person and would rather join an online community first. ***

Send him or bring him here!!! He will be welcomed with open arms and hearts. This MS site has been a life-saver for me and many others. Does at least - if not more good - than my therapy sessions.

Thanks for being there for him...
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#388427 - 03/05/12 10:25 PM Re: Sexually aroused by memories? Advice? [Re: misskilez]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: misskilez

My ex says he is not yet comfortable speaking to a therapist or a support group in person and would rather join an online community first.


This way worked for many of us. Tip the toes in first, and see what it feels like. Not a bad plan at all. Encourage him as you are able, but please remember two important things. (1 This has to be his choice. and (2 Take care of yourself too. You've already read some very difficult stuff. It's really hard to fathom the lives many of us have led. While your ex takes his time, you make your time and do what you need to do for yourself to stay healthy. If it gets too much, leave it for a period of time. We'll still be here.

And thanks for being there for your ex.

Cheers for now,
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.