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#376363 - 11/21/11 06:00 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Dexter]
VirtualBman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Dayton, OH
Originally Posted By: Dexter
Yes it does. I am married with 3 kids and every time I meet a male acquaintance I feel like I have to blow him for him to like me... When I meet someone new, I smile, shake hands, and immediately look at there crotch to see what I am going to have to deal with.


God Dexter, you have hit the nail on the head for me. What the fu@k. Why on earth would I think I am ever gonna have to or want to suck this dudes dick. But that is excactly what goes through my head. This makes meeting men in any situation a teensie bit scary.

Why has this stayed with us for all these years? Even after dealing with the abuse and healing in other aspects of life. I agree that the overwhelming sensations and bliss of climax that many experienced along with their abuse has left an impression. Perhaps mine is so deep because I was a virgin prior to my abuse, my first orgasm was with my abuser.

I want to get past this, I feel I need to get past this. I am able to discuss a lot of my past abuse with my wife, but this is taboo, on my part. I would never bring this up out of fear that she would possibly see me as less of a man, or gay.

Be well, be you.


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#377548 - 12/01/11 10:08 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1493
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Man I can totally relate to what you say, the duplicity of it all.

I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.

I think abuse sucks when you would have been gay anyway cuz how could you be attracted to guys when what happened to you was so horrible. The way the sex and orgasm was completely dissociated from any normal feelings of closeness, intimacy or love. Over and over you learn that your job was to be an object to achieve orgasm in a world of extreme secrecy and shame. Marinam you said it perfectly when you called it evil. How f'd up is that.

But please dont give up on T or help, there are people out there and friends in here that can help, like ozzie guy. There are ways and means to pull the tangled mess of emotions apart and find out that you can move forward. But its not easy cuz when you have been the victim of csa, emotionally we are all thumbs.

Be kind to yourself.

grant



This response resonates. The first paragraph talks about "if you're straight" and the second "if you're gay." Very insightful, but what is unsaid is the paragraph "if you didn't know."

I loved women but avoided them ultimately because (1) I was convinced I was gay - or at least more gay than straight and (2) being in a sexually dominant role made me feel CrEePy - made me feel "perp-ish". I SWORE I would never be like him and essentially embraced my role as being sexually submissive as if the choice was actually that black and white.

In one of the guidance-oriented forums here, a distinction was made between being gay and re-enacting past homosexual abuse patterns. Maybe I'm not even gay, then? My partner would LOVE to hear that. "Sorry about all the past years together. They were fun but, well, I'm (gulp) a heterosexual. I tried denying it, but I can't anymore. I am who I am!"

Is my sexuality nothing more than a mirror of my molester's sins?

I come here to pick up where I left off in my recovery efforts 10 years ago and guess it was silly to think it would be a steady, progressive climb. I see the struggles of so many of my brothers here and think that perhaps I need to ratchet down my expectations. Nothing about this is easy, straight-forward or even very comprehensible. There is no formula, there are no rules. I see things like Penn State and Syracuse and realize the world around me is still in denial. We are adrift in a huge ocean and can't even see the shore, much less swim to it. And few outsiders are willing to throw us a life preserver. And they certainly don't welcome us aboard as they steam past us in their beautiful lives.

And then I realize we are hopelessly molded into who we are - sexually and even emotionally. That will never, ever change. I'm serious. How do you unprune a Bonsai tree once it is grown, and transform it to the potential it would have had otherwise? How do you uncook an egg? How do you grow backwards from an adult to a child? Acceptance may be the only grace left...

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#380482 - 12/23/11 06:05 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Chase Eric]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
Jacob (Marinan),
You are not alone.

I can't really say when the abuse started, my memory does not go back that far.
I feel the same.
I turned hyper-vigilance into how to check out every guy within a 3 block radius.

In the end, we are all human and we need to remember that humans are fallible.
Give yourself a break, and a new T

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#380514 - 12/23/11 01:53 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: petercorbett]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hey Marinan,

I guess you have noticed what you feel about men is kinda common 'round here.
I too have been submissive, giving ass and mouth to men. I have done hundreds of males, and STILL do not consider myself Gay. I consider me SSA (may be in denial).
My Perp did not beat me, force me, he was more of a teacher and years my senior. My 2nd and 3rd Perps were abusive, forcing me, refusing to pleasure me.

In your case, I call it the Pattie Hearst Syndrome. I say that because you have sided with your abusers. The average person sitting on their sofa would scratch their head and wonder why you would have feelings for those animals. I do, most everyone on this website also understand why you have feelings for them. We are not in the majority so you still have to live in a society that does not get that.

Ozzy Guy, and Dexter would be your best contact in grasping your feelings for your Perbs. Out side of Therapy is empathy; in fact people are hired as Counselors because they went through the identical situation. No education required. I see them as the most empathetic for what you are going through.
I go to the gym to workout; I keep looking at the ceiling, so I don't stare at their baskets. It also makes my wife happy; otherwise she would think I am giving it up in the locker room to at least 5 at a time. So I know what you feel and it sucks (maybe I should not use that term). I have a trainer there, and I have told him I was molested for 2 years with a Perp, 2 years with another Perp, and 1 day with a man who raped me. He knows I am SSA and counsels me and works me out. (no! No sex; but gives me direction on the perspective of a straight man.) I know it feels like we are aliens trying to fit in with all these humans.

I know Ozzie Guy and feel he would be an excellent male influence for you. By nature we empathize, and he would be your man. Dexter sounds great as well.

I will talk to you also; I have issues. Not the best candidate.

Be well,

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#385322 - 02/11/12 02:30 PM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Marinan]
Undiagnosed Offline


Registered: 02/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: Florida Parishes, Louisiana
Originally Posted By: Marinan
Does it bother any of you guys to have such incredible feelings of affection, and sexual attraction to guys when they've harmed you so evilishly?


Marinan,

I've been wondering the same thing. I was abused by men, never by women. Yet I generally love men and generally dislike women. Is it that I hate my mother because she didn't care enough to discover my abuse? Is it that I love my father (even though I never really knew him) simply because everyone I know idolized him? Who knows, no me! LOL

I don't adore the men who molested me, I despise them. I despise all selfish, thoughtless and cruel people and especially pedophiles, male or female. But I realize that not all people are like that, and there are some good, kind and worthy people out there. Problem is (in my case, anyway) that I still can't bring myself to trust them not to betray me and in doing so I inevitably force them to betray me. I'm my own worst enemy in that regard. And if I don't figure a way to change that, I'm destined to die alone, for sure. I, for one, don't really want to die alone...

_________________________
IMHO - Ricky

P.S. Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and most of them stink.

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#385404 - 02/12/12 01:24 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: Undiagnosed]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:45 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#388142 - 03/03/12 04:33 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: lapchinj]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
Have you tried a secular therapist?

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#388239 - 03/04/12 10:27 AM Re: Major Trigger Warning - Hi, my name is Jacob [Re: 1lifenow]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
I think abuse sucks if your straight cuz being abused and yet aroused by the memory of what happened to your body and how it betrayed you is encredibly confusing. You want to be with women cuz thats the social directive and your aroused by women yet there is this part of your brain that wont let you forget the imprint. You must be f'd up.


There is that word again. "Betrayed". Its an excellent word when describing a situation or relationship where something that happened was not expected. Its especially appropriate when describing what was done to us; it was a betrayal of trust. But gentlemen, I'd like you to really think about this. Did your bodies really do anything that was unexpected given the circumstances?

Tyler Perry used this word on the 200 men Oprah episode. He said his body betrayed him. I myself have used it as well when describing how the perp got me revved up on porn. But over time, I started to ask myself if my body did anything, anything at all, that it was not designed to do?

Male bodies, and penises particularly, were designed to be reactive, and responsive. Sure, we can delude ourselves into thinking that we are in total control of our bodies at all times. Go ahead. But then think back to the first year or two of adolescence, when you could get an erection for no apparent reason other then the wind changing. Men can and do confuse their reactiveness and reactions to abuse. And especially if it felt pleasurable. Many perps used this against us, saying we wanted, or desired it, and pointed to our reactive and responsive bodies as proof positive. They blamed us for being male.

Let's start this discussion again, trying to take this into account. Yes, the abuse does leave a lasting imprint. Yes, it shouldn't have been done to us. But keep in mind our bodies reacted the way they were supposed to. And in so doing, we can remove some of the guilt and shame that our abusers gave us to carry for many, many years.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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