The frustration you encounter dealing with a world that is coming from a place of pain being as survivor. That is a tough road to negotiate back from. We all live that.

Trying to assimilate into a world that has been secretive, not completely free to express itself, backbiting and on many levels mean spirited. Yes the gay world. It feels like sometimes that its like being a double outcast. A double dose. I know its just frustration talking. But WTF ! Doesn't kindness and intention trump a basic lack of courtesy and bitchiness?

i agree 100% 1lifenow.

look, by no means do i advocate this....but there have been times when i asked myself: "what if.... i had just become like all the other gays in la; deny the past, move on with a smile, tan, great bod and slept around to get ahead, played games to get a lover, stomped on folks to move up the ladder in the music industry, and gone ahead and mingled at the cocaine table rather than run away fearing what would happen to my nose."



but i didn't follow that path. and i do tell myself i'm better, stronger, "happier than i would have been otherwise" due to the recovery process.

i try to repeat it every week... because i need to hear it in a gay and straight world that i do not fit.

but where did recovery or enlightenment get me?

here i am 47. yes, totally recovered from childhood rape. but eternally single. haven't even touched another guy in 10 years. i hate that i'm becoming "that dirty old single man" this society detests no matter if one is gay or straight. my rapist was a dirty old single man too. god how i hate to think i'll soon be the age he was when he raped me and i'm not even half as successful financially as he was.

i have a job that i'd lose if i even tried to date a guy. (where are all the gay supporters? prob at that cocaine table still.) i fractured with patriotism and this nation when i moved to europe after 9.11 and learned what this country really does to the world around us. (i.e. what the media here won't dare say.)

it grows even more contentious if we examine our social norms, lack of morals, idiots in politics, the favoring of "lowest common denominator" for public education and entertainment....

we've made it damn near impossible to even find a new job...unless you sleep around, party with the right people or buy yourself a seat on the board.

and my friends and family just say: "but you can't control those things, just ignore them!"

but i can't. for to ignore what is going on around us is exactly why a rapist was allowed to set up shop in my 'hood back in 1975.... and why these men are still setting up shop, online, in your town, on the play ground or classroom.

i do not know the answer. i was hoping a place such as this could offer hope. i was hoping that guys "who get it" here would come together in real life. not many around though. lol. 9,707 members in total, lots of them are wives? and applying 1 in 6 to the male population of the u.s.a. that means 25 million male victims exist...but they ain't here that is for sure.

I think, if you take away the labels, gay, straight, bi, whatever, people are still people. They can be great, understanding, supportive people whom you might want to count as friends. They can also be backbiting, bitchy, secretive, users who don't give a shit about anyone, or anything except themselves.

We'll gravitate, hopefully, towards the good ones. We will call them friends.And maybe even lovers or partners or...? And hopefully we'll also learn to avoid, or drop the nasty, self-serving ones, realizing that we can't be just ourselves with them. Being who you really are, and knowing who you aren't is far better then the rich, flashy users who drop you in favour of the latest "model" of "I-man". Yes, it hurts when that happens. But you have your dignity; Something they never had, and cannot buy.

Keep the faith

Jim