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#387879 - 03/01/12 04:43 AM 3 times
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I had this account all typed out and ready to send and I hit the wrong key and lost it all. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to send that version – full of triggers and graphic details. So – here goes a very toned-down version – much safer. I got the benefit of getting it out and nobody else had to be hurt by it.

There were three periods in my life when I was feeling seriously suicidal. Each of the first two times it was during a time of either more frequent or more severe CSA. The third time was when I first faced the facts of what had happened and essentially re-lived it all. (Big surprise- huh?) I talked with my T about them yesterday – hadn’t planned on it, had already referred to them in general terms without much detail – but yesterday it just seemed right. So I did - with every detail - and felt so much better afterwards…

The 1st time I was in junior high and not much CSA was happening at home with the step-father anymore. But it was really bad at school – mixed with nearly constant bullying. (BTW – is there a term for sexual abuse from peer perpetrators?) During 7th grade I was thinking about how to do it cause I couldn’t see any other way out. I didn’t get as far as a definite plan – but my family moved at the end of that school year and I’m sure that if I’d had to attend that school with its toxic atmosphere, I wouldn’t have made it through 8th grade.

The 2nd time was in high school. Everything was going better in the new location. I thought I’d left the bad stuff in the past and could go on with life being normal. Then an adult male molested me and I was devastated. It was like I was never going to escape – I felt like I was an obvious target and that there had to be something terribly wrong with me to be singled out. This time I planned the whole method. I’d learned what was supposed to be a relatively painless way to go. I tried to decide on a time and place that my parents would be the ones to find me and not my little brothers. But I didn’t follow through … not sure why. I know I was afraid of going to hell – if it was anything like what I’d already experienced, I didn’t want that. I had a habit of procrastination – connected to my control issues and perfectionism – and i never could make the plan seem to fit exactly right. Then I may have been hoping that if I just waited another year, I could get away from home and parents and go away to college and that would have to be better. Don't know...

The 3rd time was in my 30s. I was married with 2 preschool kids, had just moved cross-country – had no friends or support group, had just left a controlling cult, was unemployed and my wife couldn’t work and care for the kids at the same time. I felt like a failure and got deeply depressed. Then many of the abuse memories came flooding back. I thought my family would be better off without me – and with the insurance money if I died. I planned a foolproof “accident" so it wouldn’t look like suicide and invalidate the insurance payment or cause a stigma to the family. Then the weather and other circumstances didn’t cooperate. But I think what really saved me was thinking about how I had felt growing up without a good dad and how terrible it was having an abusive step-dad. I didn’t want my kids to even have the chance of going through that. So I guess my kids saved me.

After I told my story, I was crying as if for someone I felt sorry for – and then realized it was me.

Never told anyone the whole thing before - or saw how all the different details played into it. I thank God we moved after 7th grade and that i thought of my kids.

Lee



Edited by traveler (03/01/12 04:49 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#387881 - 03/01/12 05:45 AM Re: 3 times [Re: traveler]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Sounds very similar to my life Lee and the feelings I had. I wish u the best bro and will pray for you. CSA can leave a victim feeling hopeless, ashamed and alone. I am sorry for your trauma and I am glad you couldn't or were unable to end it. Hang in there and stay the course bro. If u need to vent or compare or talk then I am here and there are others that can help that it out also. Thanks for sharing.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#387946 - 03/01/12 04:27 PM Re: 3 times [Re: Country]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
We should celebrate your life Lee, this is so powerful!
You've survived three heavy storms on your own, it must have been very difficult experience. Calm is the sea in front of you left,
enjoy the ride smile!
Heal well!






_________________________
My story

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#387948 - 03/01/12 04:32 PM Re: 3 times [Re: peroperic2009]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Lee--you have survived so much--give yourself credit you had the strength to keep going. It is inspiring and thank you for sharing.


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#387993 - 03/01/12 10:45 PM Re: 3 times [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks, guys!

There has been so much happening recently that i'm sure must have triggered this: Eyesforward's loss of her partner, a student in my class who is at risk, the literature i have been teaching...

Yesterday I was going over Eliot's "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" in class and the reference to Hamlet popped up. I got carried away and started quoting a chunk of the famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy. Ended up performing it with intense gestures, body language, facial expressions, vocal inflections, etc. The kids were shocked - and then gave me a round of applause!

It was amazing to me that i was able to openly express that angst so authentically. and was able to do so with a sense of safety - not triggered this time at all. Probly wouldn't have been possible a week ago.

Prevail!
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#388002 - 03/01/12 11:25 PM Re: 3 times [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Tears came to my eyes from this post Lee. I'm glad you moved after the 7th grade and thought of your kids when you were older Brother.

I can relate to this a little too much. I won't go into much detail at all but I was about 12 (my timeline is still fuzzy) but I loaded a gun and CLICK. Even though they are rare, I thought it was a dud. I took it out and did it again. CLICK. I then almost had a nervous breakdown. Death even fucked me over.

I fully know in my heart that it was divine intervention because the gun worked just fine before. It never worked the same after that.

Someone wanted me to live. wink Even though things have certainly been tough, I'm glad I survived, and I'm glad you survived too Brother!

Heal well Brother.

Alex


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#388044 - 03/02/12 09:17 AM Re: 3 times [Re: Forexpreneur]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thank you, Forexpreneur!

I'm glad you're still with us too.
Amazing about the gun...
That "divine intervention" thing you mentioned - I believe that too - but it's such a riddle to me - why then and not other times? (i'm sure you know what i mean.) still haven't been able to come to grips with that one.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#388082 - 03/02/12 02:44 PM Re: 3 times [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: traveler
Thank you, Forexpreneur!

I'm glad you're still with us too.
Amazing about the gun...
That "divine intervention" thing you mentioned - I believe that too - but it's such a riddle to me - why then and not other times? (i'm sure you know what i mean.) still haven't been able to come to grips with that one.

Lee


Thank you Lee. Absolutely agree with you about why then and not other times. I certainly could have done without the gang rape at 5 yo. That kind of caused me some pain that I still deal with. wink Of course I could name quite a few other things like we all can.

Hijack alert! wink

Not to hijack this post but I feel it's important to add this here. When I was in my teens, come to think of it not long after the gun incident, I HATED God. I proved you can swear to God and call him things you wouldn't want others to hear and would make them cringe, and still live and not be hated back.

I provoked him on more than one occaision. "If you're so f'n powerful strike me down now you SOB!!!" Of course it never happened because here I am. But I went even further than that. When nothing happened I screamed about what a low life piece of crap I thought he was and quite a few other things I won't mention. I had so much anger at that point that when I went off I think it was borderline mania in a different form with the things I said. I'm not talking just once either.

I know he has no hard feelings because I had an NDE from a drug reaction (just pot, nothing heavy)and when I realized that I was dead (was at the hospital at that time) I asked asked out loud if I was dead. Silly me, I just had to know. LOL.

I didn't see him but knew it was him, and in a calm voice he said it was my choice. It's obvious what I choose, but I asked him if he hated me. He very calmly said "No" and explained that he loved me. I never asked why all the crap happened for whatever reason but oh well. I'll know some other time.

I understand that a person will appreciate the peacefull times more after they have experienced rough times, but wow, for all of us CSA survivors things better be so dang peaceful that we'll be eating rainbows and pooping butterflies. LOL.

Alex


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#388139 - 03/03/12 02:12 AM Re: 3 times [Re: Forexpreneur]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Alex - not a hijack at all! That's what i'm talkin bout!

Wonderful story about your NDE!

Don't know if you visit the Spirituality forum - but i had some great dialog with several other guys on the topic of anger/resentment at God and his way of running my life.

So since we are still here and kickin - i guess it remains to be seen what is still ahead for us...

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#388216 - 03/04/12 03:24 AM Re: 3 times [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Thank you Lee. I actually haven't checked out the spirituality forum before. Not sure why. I will though.

Thank you very much brother. I appreciate your comments a lot. Much has happened to you too and I'm glad you are still with us too.

Alex


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