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#38812 - 04/18/05 07:23 PM Another day...and really afraid!
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Hey guys,

I feel vulnerable here since there are many eyes that see this, but I need to post. I am at work (supposed to be working), but I couldn't get past my fear. I hid in a classroom for a while until the teacher came in. We both jumped, and I don't care if my lame excuse was detectable, kind of. It was total BS, as it looked like I was sleeping.

I am hiding. Even if it is caffeine doing it, I want to go back and resolve this. Therapists don't help, as they seem to leave me with the "you have to do this and this and this", even though I already blame myself for the abuse. I can't/don't want to go through this anymore.

This weekend I am going to a weekend retreat to work on relationship issues. Wife went there and it was dramatic. I can't wait, as my mind is already there. I want to hang out there. I want to go there. I want to be REAL. Nothing is real around here. This (work) isn't what I want to do anyway. Want help. Want a hand up. But "you have to do more" isn't helping. Can't grow up while in this.

Lies at work. Lies in relating to others. Lying to avoid rejection. Does it ever change? Is it the profession? (Working in custodial around others who are "professional") Want REALITY, and every time I am around these people, I shut down. It's not about people around here, and this has got to change. Can't I have a hope? Is there change when it comes down to relating to people? Aren't we supposed to be true and honest? Why do we discourage it? Or am I in a lonely place? I want to move away from this job. I have wanted to move to Atlanta badly because there are so many people, but I know so few people.

Does anyone know who I could hook up with there? Maybe that's a hope.


(I am proud I didn't make much sense in my writing above. I didn't even correct myself. :-)


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#38813 - 04/18/05 08:57 PM Re: Another day...and really afraid!
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi,

I saw your post when I came home from work.

I can relate. Today was my first day back (par-time for now) after being off since August due to a break-down as a result of CSA flooding back.

I was so scared that I had the runs before going to work this morning. I also wanted to run and hide, which I also have done in the past. I used to hide in the bathroom.

I self talked to the child and adult inside for 4 hours while at work. The child inside wanted to hide, but the adult wanted to face things. The adult inside won, it was a tough battle raging inside of me, but I didn't give in.

I am so tired of being tired of all of the CSA stuff, that I said to myself that the Perp who abused me in the past and F***** Up my life as a child will not ruin my career and the rest of my life. F*** them.

I don't talk like this, but I am so mad when the perp try to ruin my life with all of those negative thoughts that rage inside.

Always remember!!! It was not your fault. You were a child.

Hope this give you encouragement and hope

Healing Inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#38814 - 04/18/05 09:11 PM Re: Another day...and really afraid!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hi, dont bust yourself up, by blaming ab*se on you, it is not good to do that.

Yeah, you look forward to the retreat, maybe because it is good for you and your wife.

It is hard to understand people sometimes, we get thru life by telling lies, yeah, I am not a liar, but to workmates, they know I have a secret, I hide my emotions with a mask, and mask out the hurt.

Sounds like you are doing some dumb job that is not appropriate to your real skills or needs.

I wish you well in this,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#38815 - 04/19/05 04:38 PM Re: Another day...and really afraid!
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona


_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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