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#387902 - 03/01/12 11:36 AM How to separate helpfully
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I need what to do and what not to do for arranging a separation. I love my husband and he wants to be well but he doesn't want to do the work. Ive always been dangerously. Close to being an impediment to his healing with my inability to get past the cheating.

My concern is first for my 3 kids all under 8. I don't want to undermine their stability by going back and forth. How can I explain to them in a way they won't be frightened.

How can I reassure him that I'm still on his side (especially since what I'm requesting seems like the antithesis of that).

What practical things might I be overlooking?

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#387905 - 03/01/12 12:06 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: GoodHope]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Does had have abandonment issues? Because if so, there might be no way to reassure him once those feelings of abandonment are triggered.

He does need to get to the point of doing the work. Can be hard to get to that point and then to keep going, but it's gotta be done if healing is ever going to take place.


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#387924 - 03/01/12 02:20 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: JustScott]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((GH)))

I hope it doesn't come to this, but you know what is best for you AND for him, at this point. So, since my husband and I did separate, which actually helped our ultimate recovery, here are some suggestions.

1. TALK TO AN ATTORNEY! Because you have children to consider, and because he won't work on his recovery, you're going to have to plan as if you will be the ONLY one to safeguard the little ones.

Your attorney might suggest a formal separation agreement, which essentially is (at least in Missouri) a non-final divorce decree. Everything is spelled out: who stays in the home, who pays what amount as child support, who is responsible for maintaining medical/dental insurance for the kids, if spousal support is to be paid, and what amount that will be, etc.

Long term things also need to be spelled out, like what part of his retirement/401k/life insurance/Social Security, etc., you are entitled to.

You'll want the agreement to specify who has full custody or primary physical custody of the kids, complete with the custody (visitation) schedule set forth.

Not only do I recommend this for your own protection and that of your babies, but having that document in his hand might be a stark wake-up call for your husband. He may realize the crossroads he's at, and may think: "This is my future I'm holding in my hands; reduced to a legal agreement. I can stop this if I will only commit to my recovery."

2. TALK TO YOUR COUNSELOR! If you still have hope that your marriage will be salvaged, perhaps you both can be counseled through what will be a "therapeutic separation". Your counselor might help you both establish healthy guidelines for your therapeutic separation, such as:

- Dates/times you both come together for "dates"
- Rules regarding sexual activity between the two of you
- Rules regarding seeing/dating other people
- Establishing boundaries, like calling before coming over, knocking- not letting yourself into the other's home, the handling of family events/celebrations, etc.
- Establishment of "check points" whereby you both consider the progress being made, or lack thereof, and during which you will agree upon continued therapeutic separation or ending the separation to move ahead with either divorce or re-establishing your marriage.

I hope this is of help. If I think of something more, I will pop back in!

Praying for wisdom and peace of mind for you!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#387925 - 03/01/12 02:31 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: herowannabe]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I think I will defer to the good advice of others and just keep you in my prayers. Hero makes a lot of sense (((GH))).

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#387928 - 03/01/12 02:37 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: Jim1104]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Great stuff Hero (you are moving beyond $100/he into $300/hr territory!



Edited by GoodHope (03/01/12 02:37 PM)
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#387935 - 03/01/12 03:29 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I think Hero hit the nail on the head.

I have done this scenerio in my head more times than I can count. First does he know this is the consequence of his actions or lack thereof? For us, it wasn't over therapy but it was over drinking and I needed my husband to know that drinking was/is a trigger for me and if he choose to drink then he would have to leave.

I wrote it down. I explain the consequences and what we would tell the kids. Specifically what HE would have to tell the kids. Honestly I had told him over and over how much drinking alchohol bothered me, until I wrote it down he really didn't get it... men I guess? Not sure if he didn't get or didn't want to. Either way eventually he got it.

you are in my thoughts


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#387971 - 03/01/12 08:28 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: Gretta]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
GoodHope -

I am living through this right now. My husband and I separated two weeks ago after I asked him to leave (could not handle the lies, etc.). We are still struggling to work through this but it is very important to set boundaries. We have two daughters and it is very important for the two of you to stress that you care about each other, are taking a break to work on some issues and that you love them no matter what. I think my children are already happier in some ways now without the underlying stress in the household even though they see a lot of sadness in both of us.

I will say that the separation has forced my husband to face a reality of a life without his family. Our therapist agrees that being apart right now is the best thing - he needs this time to work through his CSA and heal. I need to continue focusing on healing as well. I cannot think too far ahead into the future and can only focus on today.

Please PM if you would like to talk. I am so grateful to have found others going through this.

Take care.


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#388463 - 03/06/12 01:06 AM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: keepcalm]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
(((Gh)))

How are you doing with this?

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#388578 - 03/06/12 09:37 PM Re: How to separate helpfully [Re: Jim1104]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I'm backing off of it for now. We had a joint therapy session yesterday (both of us and our two therapists). His therapist told him what he wanted to do (nothing) is not a viable method for healing. She told me to limit my time on MS. They both cleared us for couples therapy (which oddly enough, he requested).

It's the limbo that's killing me.

It is what it is. Thanks for checking back Jim.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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