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#388066 - 03/02/12 12:12 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: keepcalm
My husband has admitted to me that he is terrified of disappointing me, is intimidated by me and feels that I am and always will be a better person that he is. He is frozen when it comes to opening up to me and is struggling to understand why he cannot break down this huge wall that he has put between us. His infidelity, I suppose, was a result of this feeling of self-loathing. If he did not feel that he deserved my love, then he did everything that he could to destroy it....


Keepcalm,

The above statement that you wrote is exactly where I have been. I did not feel (and still struggle) loveable. Alot of my feelings of being less than came from the abuse. BUT, I admit to sabotaging relationships/my marriage so the pain of the abandonment will be less.

This "insecurity" is NOT an issue for which you should endure - IMHO. I do not blame my ex-wife. I feel extremely lonely but,it is not her fault.

I hope for the best for you and your husband.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#388069 - 03/02/12 01:17 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
All alone or in twos,
the ones who really love you,
walk up and down, outside the wall,
some hand in hand, some gathered together in bands,
the bleeding hearts and the artists, make their stand.

And when they've given you their all, some stagger and fall,
after all its not easy, banging your heart against some mad buggers wall.



Edited by InsideTheWall (03/02/12 01:17 PM)

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#388079 - 03/02/12 02:18 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: InsideTheWall]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
LOVE THIS


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#388089 - 03/02/12 03:36 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Esposa]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
insidethewall - those words are profound and capture what we, the wives, partners and friends, feel to a T.

How much can your heart take if you are constantly banging it against the wall?

Thank you so much for sharing.


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#388107 - 03/02/12 07:03 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
I agree the words are profound and beautiful , but they're not mine. They're from the song "Outside The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

You have to understand when dealing with survivors, that we're trapped inside our walls and don't know how to leave them even if we desperately want to. PTSD, which most of us suffer, is a psychological prison.



Edited by InsideTheWall (03/02/12 07:15 PM)

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#388108 - 03/02/12 07:34 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Originally Posted By: keepcalm


How much can your heart take if you are constantly banging it against the wall?
Only so much, which is sadly, why some stagger and fall. I feel for you and wish I could help more.


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#388110 - 03/02/12 08:00 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: keepcalm
...My husband and I separated two weeks ago, per my request.


ok, so, what is the goal?

separate corners...for an undefined period of time? or use this hardship to make or break the bonds moving forward?

in my humble view, as a survivor, you are driving keepcalm. you have to be strong, set the rules, keep on the path, and be tough. i'm not entirely sure how that can happen while living apart.

_________________________
Jeff

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#388162 - 03/03/12 10:44 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: westchesterguy]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
Quote:

ok, so, what is the goal?

separate corners...for an undefined period of time? or use this hardship to make or break the bonds moving forward?

in my humble view, as a survivor, you are driving keepcalm. you have to be strong, set the rules, keep on the path, and be tough. i'm not entirely sure how that can happen while living apart.


westchesterguy, I had to take control of the situation to prevent myself from being hurt anymore from his lies. If not, there would not be any chance for us to heal and not any chance for the possibility of us having a healthy relationship down the road.

My husband did not allow me to be a partner in his recovery early on. Unfortunately, he will have to do the hard work on his own. I can only be supportive to an extent right now and focus on myself. There is no right or wrong in this situation - I am just doing what I feel is best for myself.


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#388561 - 03/06/12 05:29 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
The whispers that hide under the surface and are only heard at times when I'm at rest and anxiety is low say:

You're worthless.
You deserve pain.
You deserve to be used.
You deserve loneliness.
You are unlovable.


You're worthless. (heard that from 0-18 from "father")
You deserve pain. (not said but same)
You deserve to be used. (yep, not said but same)
You deserve loneliness. (yep, not said but same, very lonely kid anyway)
You are unlovable. (apparently or I would not have been neglected/beat/yelled at)

I still hear that today because it was learned.

I always looked for someone to break that. It didn't come along no matter how hard I tried. And, I don't believe it gets better. Sorry, I looked and it really didn't.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#388616 - 03/07/12 09:31 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Keep I wish you and my wife could talK. We have been married for 21 years and I finally opened up about my gangrape. I don't know the details about what happened to your husband but my wife has always had questions about me that she was afraid to ask. To this day I still think of myself as damaged goods. I am sure your husband feels the same way and maybe with the space and support he is getting he can turn a corner and you can get back together but he needs to learn that inspite of what happened in the past, there can be major problems with how he is dealing with issues today. Good Luck I will be praying for you Mike


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