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#387897 - 03/01/12 10:46 AM Husband does not feel he deserves my love
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
My husband has admitted to me that he is terrified of disappointing me, is intimidated by me and feels that I am and always will be a better person that he is. He is frozen when it comes to opening up to me and is struggling to understand why he cannot break down this huge wall that he has put between us. His infidelity, I suppose, was a result of this feeling of self-loathing. If he did not feel that he deserved my love, then he did everything that he could to destroy it.

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this (or are working to overcome this) with your partner.

My husband and I separated two weeks ago, per my request. He says he wants to "reset" his life. I am taking things one day at a time as I have been lied to so much in the past. But I do remain hopeful.

We are meeting again with our marriage counselor today and he hopes to have help in starting to open up about things. He feels that he cannot do it alone and hopes that it will break the ice.


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#387904 - 03/01/12 12:03 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I know I felt I deserved nothing. I was unable to receive love.

For me I had to work on healing before I could begin to put down the lies that I was worthless trash before I could begin to receive love.

Having my wife by my side, loving me unconditionally, that really really helped.


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#387941 - 03/01/12 03:48 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
keepcalm....ahghghghghgh.... sounds like my husband.

His inner voice is that of his mother...you haven't earned it, you don't deserve it, you are piece of crap...

He has told me things lately that I simply could not understand. If you hate yourself, why put yourself in a situation that makes the one who loves you, hate you? That's just it.... they don't think they deserve it.

He has to be honest with himself and he has to catch those thoughts before the undermine him and create bad choices and bad decisions. HE HAS TO. I have told my husband for 17 years that I was in awe of him, turns out he never could hear my voice because his mother's was louder and deep inside him.


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#387979 - 03/01/12 09:08 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Esposa]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I feel the same way. Sad to say but this feeling is common for CSA or any other survivors or abuse. I feel as if my wife deserves way better than me. I feel like I am unworthy to have her respect much less her love. I just read a chapter about many male survivors having this feeling of being unworthy. So I said to myself , I may not deserve it but I dang sure will accept it and try to be the kind of man that can make her proud.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#387995 - 03/01/12 10:50 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: keepcalm

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this ...


First off "keepcalm", my heart goes out to you. I don't know what it's like on your end because I am a survivor, but my heart goes out to those who are support for survivors, especially intimate ones. I'm glad there is a forum for support for you guys too.

As far as survivors, there are many traits we share, and some we don't. We are able to work through these hurdles, but it does take a lot of work, and does take time and patience.

Low self-esteem and feeling as though we don't deserve love I think is at the top of the list of things we share until we heal. Cattle is treated better than we were treated during our CSA events, because cattle is worth money, we weren't worth shit! I was told that over and over again, even without the CSA crap, but during so much of my CSA events I was told this in words, AND actions.

Very few of us want to actually screw up our lives, and very few want to hurt the ones that love us and I can understand how difficult it may be for you F&Fs. We aren't screwing things up intentially it's just that we tend to believe that is all we deserve, and on a subconscious level, if we aren't getting abuse or trauma we will cause it to happen. It's automatic until we heal.

It is so painful for us too because, in my case, I don't want the drama. I want to be loved and cared for and nurtured, and to love back but deep down I FEEL I DON'T DESERVE any love!!!!! Thankfully that is changing, albeit slowly.

It is such a viscious circle to get out of. I NEED love. I WANT love. But the voices and feelings inside are that I deserve pain because I'm not worth a damn!

It's like a tortoise in the desert during the dead heat of summer. Hasn't seen rain in some months. It needs water. It WANTS water. It starts to rain, and the tortoise starts to take in the much needed and wanted water. Then the voices and the pain kicks in and the tortoise spits the water back out. Why? It doesn't deserve it. Someone else deserves it but not the tortoise.

That is how we feel until we heal. The good thing is that we can heal, and most of us so desperately want to.

Hang in there sweetheart! Be patient. Get support from this board and other sources as things are worked through. Things can get better and I pray they do for you and your loved one.

Alex




Edited by Forexpreneur (03/01/12 11:50 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling/grammar

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#388025 - 03/02/12 03:00 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Forexpreneur]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3321
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Forexpreneur
Originally Posted By: keepcalm

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this ...


It is such a viscious circle to get out of. I NEED love. I WANT love. But the voices and feelings inside are that I deserve pain because I'm not worth a damn!

Alex


... and we often sabotage our own most valued relationships. I am afraid to say "I love you" in fear that it might not be said back to me. I can say it if i hear it first. But the implied rejection of me saying it first and not getting a response is too scary.

... and sometimes i don't take the necessary or desired steps to improve the relationship because if it gets better and then goes downhill or is lost or damaged later it will be that much more painful.

i know - that's really screwed up thinking - but what can you expect from someone whose been screwed up?

Lee



Edited by traveler (03/02/12 03:02 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#388033 - 03/02/12 05:49 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: traveler

... and sometimes i don't take the necessary or desired steps to improve the relationship because if it gets better and then goes downhill or is lost or damaged later it will be that much more painful.

Lee


I can really relate Lee. I know for me I haven't dated in 8 years because I knew I had to heal enough and learn enough to attract a semi-healthy relationship.

That is true, but what's sad Lee, I know deep down I have also been avoiding a relationship so that I don't get hurt again. The last one absolutely shattered my heart. It didn't crush it, it blew it up to little pieces.

I want to have a relationship with someone I feel safe with and truly like. I miss cuddling so very much. I miss the smiles and the gentle kisses. But deep down at this point in time I know I will be left again and that's a pain I don't want to go through again.

It's truly messed up and I'm working on changing that thought pattern, but that is where I am at this time in my life. I'm pretty damn messed up too, but I am slowly getting better.

Alex


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#388040 - 03/02/12 08:41 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Forexpreneur]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
The whispers that hide under the surface and are only heard at times when I'm at rest and anxiety is low say:

You're worthless.
You deserve pain.
You deserve to be used.
You deserve loneliness.
You are unlovable.


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#388042 - 03/02/12 08:59 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Bingo, Scott!
I have the same whispers playing in my head all the time. The only time I don't hear them is when I am holding our new puppy. I sure wish I could experience the same with my wife and loved ones!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#388062 - 03/02/12 12:00 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: traveler]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your thoughtful and honest comments. I understand that my H needs and wants love but struggles to understand that he deserves my love. It is a classic case of self-sabotage. He is so worried about disappointing me and has pushed himself so far away from me. I'm not sure where things will go but as I keep saying, I am hopeful.

I'm grateful to be here, with all of you.


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