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#387793 - 02/29/12 02:52 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: JustScott]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Great response and dead on. The way I have felt exactly. The mood swings and the depression. But also alot of hope and love. Knowing that the future is my own now.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#387801 - 02/29/12 03:22 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Country]
Valerie511 Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 5
I'm so glad I found this forum. It's so nice to be able to talk about this with supportive people.


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#387803 - 02/29/12 03:33 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Valerie511]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I just found it also and glad as well. Can't wait to get home and get off the iPhone and onto a real computer.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#387856 - 02/29/12 10:43 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Valerie511]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
How do I keep an eye on him regarding his curiosity in teen girls? I don't want to snoop on him but how can I be sure he is telling me the truth? Should I be worried? Am I under/over-reacting?


Hi and welcome, Val.

You are most certainly NOT over-reacting! Where there's smoke there's fire. You have multiple sites of smoldering (depression, cutting, disclosure of some type of untreated abuse, an interest in female children, etc.). Do NOT take your eyes off of the smoldering, lest you turn around to find your life being consumed by out-of-control flames.

Melodramatic? YUP!

If you read any of the stories posted by partners of survivors, the majority of us had no idea our husbands had been the victims of abuse. It was only after having our lives destroyed by their acting out (infidelities, porn-addiction, use of prostitutes, anonymous sex, alcohol/drug, gambling addiction, inability to keep a job, etc.) that the secrets they buried so deeply began to seep to the surface.

The secret of their abuse is so inordinately shameful to them, they are more comfortable revealing their vile infidelities than they are in revealing they were horribly abused as boys! So, that your BF was more able to discuss the files you found than he is the abuse he's alluding to, doesn't surprise me at all.

You have been given a gift. You have the gift of early on finding this information. Don't ignore it and don't let him take the focus off of the REAL issue: his abuse.

Please do what is reasonable in having him (and you) get therapy with a counselor trained in male CSA. Don't take your eyes off of the ball. If he won't begin the hard work of discovering how his abuse damaged him in childhood, which has dramatically affected his adulthood, then you need to be extremely cautious.

Please read many posts here. Please invite your BF to do the same.

Godspeed!
herowannabe
P.S. You can't be sure he is telling you the truth. But you can be POSITIVE he is not. Keep digging!



Edited by herowannabe (02/29/12 10:45 PM)
Edit Reason: Added P.S.
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#387945 - 03/01/12 04:25 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: herowannabe]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I have a suggestion for your boyfriend, born of experience. I know that what he downloaded was hopefully a one-time thing. I am not saying it was not. Still, if I were him, I would get a filter on my computer. Bsecure has one that he can install and they will control access so he won't have to ask you to hold the password an there will be no pressure on you.

The problem with one time things is they can crop up from time to time. A little self protection can't hurt. Personally, wish I had never known porn existed.

Everything the other folks have said is good advice.

Bless you both.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#387981 - 03/01/12 09:16 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: herowannabe]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Great post and alot of truth in these statements. I would have rather been called any bad name in the book than let it out that I was abuse as a child by another family member. But what a weight lifted off of me once I let it out to my wonderful wife. I just let it out less than 2 weeks ago and today was a rough day. I think the late night therapy session last night may have triggered some anxiety that I woke up with this morning. I need spiritual healing more or as much as I need emotional healing.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#388050 - 03/02/12 10:00 AM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Country]
Valerie511 Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 5
Thanks Jim, that's an interesting suggestion I certainly would never have thought of! It is very worrying that so much unsavoury material is so easily accessible!

I do feel very lucky to have found out so (relatively) early on into his life and our relationship and I hope I can give him the support he needs.

I have contacted a local counsellor trained in this area in hopes of getting the ball rolling.


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#388080 - 03/02/12 02:21 PM Re: Worried for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Valerie511]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I had K9 Web Protection put on my PC and had my wife set the password....

Keeps a lot of that internet based unsavory stuff away.


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