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For me I remember being brutally molested by my aunt from when I was 6, off and on until I was 11 or 12 (I struggle with my time line). There were other perps I remembered, but a couple I didn't.

When I was asked by my first T if I was molested by my first step father, I said no because I didn't remember anything. However, I would also get an incredible feeling of terror and just saw black in my mind, literally. Like looking at a tv that is turned off. My body would also get even more tense and my flight response would kick in. I wrote it off as just remember being non sexually abused by him, because he was extremely physically abusive to me and I remembered a few of those events.

However, I used to have a recurring night terror. I was a really little guy (I was seeing this first person but felt like a small child. Hard to explain) but I would walk up to a door and that was as far as the night terror would go because I would always wake up in terror, sometimes screaming, but always shaking and sweating and a feeling of wanting to die.

I had this same night terror off and on growing up. When I was in my very early 20's I started to have it on a regular basis. When I started to have it almost every night for a couple of weeks I found my first T who specialized in child abuse because there were other night mares I had of this same step father beating me.

I told her about the dream and we started to work through the abuse a little trying to figure out what was so important about this night mare. We worked on other things surrounding him and the non CSA abuse (I still didn't realize he had sexually abused me at this time) but we would usually go back to the night mare.

After about 3 weeks of this she talked to me about hypnosis and how she thought that she should put me under hypnosis and go into the night mare very cautiously. I was scared to do this but I also knew that it could reveal whatever I was terrified of and of course work through it.

Sure enough, we go up to the door and I went into a terror state. She calmed me down and asked if I could open the door. I did and BAM, I had a rush of fragmented memories and bolted out of the hypnosis state and just wept. Wept like I had never wept before.

I only saw bits and pieces but enough to know that it was a rape event. We tried for about a month to learn more but that was as far as I could go and I had to stop therapy because I lost my job.

The nightmares stopped for a couple of years and then I forgot about it. Frankly I know I wasn't ready yet to deal with it.

Over time I started to remember quite clearly what happened just before the incident. But the actuall event was absolutely black to me, like a turned off tv. But the feeling of absolute terror was there.

I'm going through therapy again, and things have been getting clearer. I still can't remember much of the actual rape yet, but what I do remember is enough for now. I have to process what I know of the actual event in order to get deeper into what happened.

TRIGGER ALERT!!!






I do know this, I was gang raped in a Satanic Ritual at 5 yo. This was some kind of Hell's Angel initiation for my Step Father before he got his full patch (It seems initiations are different for each member, depending on what their role is, the individual, etc.). There were two adult males (one was my 1st SF who I thought was my real father) and 3 adult females. I was first analy raped by my SF, although I only remember the first penetration and my memory blacks out from there. There is also evidence that I was drugged but we can't pinpoint exactly what it would have been.

However, the memory picks back up with about an 11 or 12 year old boy bolting in and screaming. "Stop it! Stop it! You sick bastards!!!" Then he screams things that I don't exactly remember in detail and they all leave. He rushes to me and tries to calm me but he is panicking. He's trying to help but he's overwhelmed. He gets towels and starts to clean me up. I was tied up so I couldn't see things very well but he cleaned up my belly, my penis and my butt. I see blood on the towels.







END OF TRIGGER ALERT


There is much more detail of this event before and after but not worth stating here, and more memories pop up from time to time (I'm officially taking a break from working on that directly right now because it was reigniting PTSD).

I do know this. Everyone is different on what they can handle and what they can't. If it is too bad, yes a person will block out the memory and that is a natural defense mechanism for the mind. Your subconscious usually will only allow you to remember as you are ready. There are exceptions, but they are not all that common.

It doesn't mean that the crap we remember is easy. Hell no, we all know that too well. I'll tell you this though, if it came flooding to me at once when I was in my 20's I would have blown off my head to deal with the pain. I tried suicide when I was about 13 but there was some divine intervention. Someone wanted me alive. I'm starting to understand why as time goes by.

Alex

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Hi Life. I myself do get truly afraid what the hell is in my head that I am not aware of. I had some incredibly sick things happen to me because my first SF (who I thought was my biological father) was a true sociopath, but I saw some things at a very young age that I have never told ANYONE. I trust my T and am very comfortable but I just do not want to even put the crap to words and luckily I don't remember the shit very often.

As far as "what if the molester was gentle?" I can only speak from what happened to me, and it certainly does not mean this is the case with you. I want to try to keep this brief, but I also want to give you enough detail to possibly help you so I will put a trigger warning for others.

!!! Trigger Warning !!!!







I had an incident when I was 11 or 12 (my time line is still foggy and screwed up) during a church summer camp. I loved summer camps and was in Boy Scouts and have awesome non CSA memories. The only incident was this church camp of all friking things.

Anyway I couldn't swim as a kid. The camp went swimming so I stayed behind. As far as I know I was the only kid that stayed and the only adult I know who stayed was a minister in his later 20's. Good looking guy and very nice. I actually kind of had a crush on him and wanted to actually be with him. Be careful what you wish for.

Anyway, he came over to me and asked if I wanted company. Well, yes I did. We go to his cabin (most the adults had cabins, we kids had tents). Anyway we go into his cabin and everything was very nice. We started talking and after a little bit he put a hand on the inside of my leg.

I actually wanted this and smiled. He gently kissed me and the cloths started to gently come off. I allowed him to undress me which I actually really liked. It was all actually very nice, and in my mind sweet. He gave a little oral and so did I. That is what and how I remembered the incident.

Here is the thing Life, that was my whole memory. Overall, I remember it as being very mutual, but I had what I thought was a lot of guilt.The guilt made sense to me. I WANTED it and it was with a young minister.

However, there was a part that my mind had hidden from me. It was mostly sweet and I did want it. One day I was going through an in depth sexual history questionnaire and of course I put this in there. This questionnaire makes you ask if there are any feelings of guilt, uneasynous, etc. It helps you to dig deeper than you normally do.

After struggling what the feeling was with this memory I put myself into hypnosis (I am a certified hypnotist and a Zen Buddhist) and went through the incident in my head. What was odd to me is the ending was missing time.

It went from oral to being outside dressed. Huge RED FLAG! It didn't make sense because why was there a part missing. I still didn't think anything bad happened between us and like I said I did want to be with him so I was confused.

I went back through it a few times, same stuff. Then all of a sudden the memory went a little further to where we were laying down on his bed. I didn't remember that part. There was a lot of cuddling and he was very gentle. He even gently turned me on my stomach and assured me everything was ok, all I had to do was ask him to stop.

He then entered me anally and I yelped in pain. That is when everything changed. He pushed my head onto the bed to muffle me and he didn't stop until he came. He went from being gentle to not caring after he entered me.




!!!! END OF TRIGGER !!!!!!




My T and I haven't been through this incident because there are more immediate things, but I think why that last part was blocked was because I WANTED to be with him and wanted it to be a nice thing, not being F'n raped. Everything was nice up until the end. That is what I WANTED to remember so I did.

I know that's a lot of detail but I wanted you to see that it was actually very friendly but didn't end that way. I wanted a non harming incident with a male adult and I got it until the end. That was more than I wanted to remember so I think that is why I didn't.

I'm not a therapist but I think red flags are when there are black holes in a person's memory and shit I have so many it scares the crap out of me. Also another red flag is a nervous feeling about a "good" memory. There should only be good feelings with a good memory. That's it.

I certainly don't want to scare you brother, not at all. Remember a Red Flag is only a red flag. Doesn't mean that it's right, it's just a reminder to look at things closer. Maybe there is just excitement surrounding the event and that causes shame. The mind is so damn complicated and intricate it is just incredible.


I hope this helps brother. Feel free to ask more questions if you need. I hope I don't go into too much detail, but I'll be honest, it helps me too in other ways.

Alex

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I have memories from roughly 7 where I was looking at adult men's faces and then their crotch and making a decision if I would run or not if there was an advance. It wasn't like I was wanting it more than preparing for it I guess.

I would say I was about 10 when I started to actually want it and I fantasized about it. I know 10-11 is quite young but I also sexually matured early too. I was 10 when I came the first time. It is kind of embarrassing but I also have to acknowledge it and realize it was how I was dealing with the CSA from such a young age. After the minister that was it as far as being a kid and wanting to be with an adult (never fantasized about women).

After 12 I didn't have sex with ANYONE, even my age bracket, male or female until I was 19. I had one incident when I was 16 with a male close to my age (he was younger) but we didn't have intercourse because he got scared and we stopped. He initiated it but also ended it too. I went my entire High School years not dating anyone let alone having sex.

Kind of odd, I was a friking tart as a little kid (more acting out than anything I think) but after 12 I actually became sexually guarded. My T and I talked about going from promiscuous to sexually guarded just last session. Not in a lot of detail but we did cover it a little and is something we are going to discuss further.

Not the sexual norm I know, but being sexual taken advantage of at 5 is going to cause someone to do things out of the norm. Thank God I don't view sex with anger or violence, I actually view it as being very loving once I get over my initial fears wit a new partner. I just am very cautious of who I allow to take me sexually these days and I haven't allowed anyone in quite some time.

Oh one last thing you mentioned "I ask because I remember wanting to be around them, but being very acutely afraid of being alone with them because I was sure they were lusting after me at the same age. Adult men, I mean." Personally I KNEW that many men wanted to be with me I was that sure. I always found myself looking for an escape route and where there were things lying around that I could protect myself just in case. I haven't remembered that stuff in a long time actually. Really an F'd up way to grow up that's for sure.

Feel free to ask anything else. If it's too sensitive of a question I'll be nice but will let you know that it is for me. Thank you brother. Heal well.

Alex

Great topic. I've followed the format of traveler's responses.


Q - ** I just want to ask, so there was a period of time when, if somebody asked you if you'd been sexually abused, you would have (in all honesty) said no? It's the period of time when you remember nothing that I'm most interested in. I'm just looking for as much de>

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When I first read this thread, I was cautious, because I knew I had buried memories. I did not have total amnesia, because at times the memories would surface and I would beat them down, until I no longer had the will or strength to let them out.

My T said as I heal and accept the abuse more of the memories and details would become clearer to me. He was warning me of more pain as I moved forward in having both sides recognize and accept each other. We are working on that, I had fears that the child where all the memories of abuse were buried would be too much for me too handle, but I have learned the most painful part was accepting the abuse and the memories. The memories will always be there, because they are part of me.

Over the past several days, comments about my acting out were said to me, my memories did not go to the acting out but rather to the abuse, I could see it and am beginning to recognize why what happened in the home impacted me--I never truly understand why being spat on sent me off (I do think it is a heinous act and a crime in some states) until last night, I was fighting the priest and he spat on me and said if I said anything my family would suffer and they would think I was an ungrateful son. I gave in and did what he told me. It sickens me but I am ok today, handling it with affirmations and writing. I guess it is like everything, once you let the guard down, anything can cross.

The lost time, I have seen very small parts, and my T says the memories are with the child, it was his time to control while the other part left to protect itself from the past. There were times I would come back and be in strange places, not knowing why I was there or how I got there. My T says the memories will come, but maybe not all--it depends on how much I want to let the child out.

I guess through some strange mechanism in the mind we control how we handle these memories to some extent but I believe in some way the memories to some degree control us until we let them out. And everyone says letting them out is good for the person--I only realized that after all the pain--I wish I had accepted the memories sooner and my life would have been different-but it is what it is and I know we all can do it and move forward and heal.

KMCINVA -

Sounds like good solid progress.
Good work! Well done! Congratulations!
I see strength and courage in your words.

Lee