I started therapy last week and told my story in detail for really the first time. I expressed my feelings the way I have wanted to and described what took place. I shrunk into my seat, avoided eye contact,fiddled with my hands, and struggled to find the words. I felt so incredibly small, and vulnerable.
I was angry last night. Angry that anything remotely sexual with an actual human being triggers seemingly endless anxiety. Angry that I am still confused about my sexuality. I had an emotional outburst, and I did so by myself. I screamed out loud while sitting on my couch, and it came out so raw that tears soon followed.
I put the blame back where it belonged, and for the first time I am angry with him. Angry for what he did to me, that he took advantage of me, that he told me that's what friends do, that he offered me a choice to stop even though I was not equipped to make the decision. I yelled at the top of my lungs until my voice gave way. I have never felt this angry before, at least not directed at James (his name). I spoke as if he was right in front of me. I was very emotional. Even now, there are tears behind my eyes. I took all that rage and used it against the punching bag hanging in my basement. I vowed to myself looking in the mirror that I will build my body so that nobody could ever again hurt me. It feels like the right way to deal with my vulnerability as a man.
I don't feel the intense anger I was feeling yesterday. I do still feel emotionally fragile. Like people can see through me. I didn't know these angry places existed in me. I do now.
Heal well brothers.
I am the warrior.