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#387169 - 02/25/12 02:47 AM Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling.
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Im 55, and have my own place but I am slightly vigilant that my dad my came in and yell at me. Hes been dead 12 yrs. In my home growing up you just could not relax when he was not at work. And when he was due home me and mt brothers went thru the house to find anything he would get mad about. And we were then in our ready vigialnt mode. we were always getting yelled at with rage. My dad was a rager. Worse things could happen that being yelled at. You could get hit. This man raped me when I was in preshool Id blocked the memory out.



Edited by little big man (02/25/12 02:49 AM)

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#387174 - 02/25/12 03:50 AM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: little big man]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Sorry to hear your pain brother, but I can relate quite well to your post in many ways. At times I get pissed because of the way I've been negatively programed from the abuse. My second step father (from the age of 8 to 27) was the same way.

To this day I just am not a fan of major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or even my birthday. I actually will get sick to my stomach because I get so anxious/stressed because of all the turmoil and yelling around those days growing up. It wasn't just holidays, like you I hated when he was home and tried everything to not be there. Didn't matter if I was in my room listening to headphones, being quiet all day, etc. He'd get so f'n worked up about something and sometimes would just come storming in my room out of nowhere and start screaming and sometimes shoving me against a wall, etc. He never molested me thankfully, but I certainly received the CSA from other sources.

Trying to get over the low self-esteem has been a long struggle because of the crap and I am still working on it.

I wish you well brother on your healing.

Alex


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#387435 - 02/26/12 09:25 PM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: little big man]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
(((((little big man)))))

Safe hugs to you. I know fear and incest well myself.

I hear you.

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#387444 - 02/26/12 10:24 PM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Little Big Man - It was such a big relief when the step-father died. for once i could visit my mom without fear of judgement, put-downs, and contempt. even as an adult, i always felt like i was shrinking or disappearing when i went to their house. So now i no longer fear hearing his voice or ridicule or anger - but i still accept his estimation of me and have to fight to overcome that. And i still feel guilty if i just sit and read a book for pleasure - because he always thought that was a waste of time and i should be doing chores or looking for something worthwhile to help around the house or yard.

Forexpreneur - Holidays are bad for me too - especially birthdays.

Avery - It makes me so proud of you to seee you encouraging and validating others!

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#387457 - 02/27/12 12:39 AM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: traveler]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Oh yea traveler. My dad ran me down all the time, made fun of any class i was taking in college. I used to vist him in adulthood and as soon as i entered the put downs would start. It was very hard on my self esteem. Yea he respected my brother more becuase he worked contruction. My dad was uneducated and made fun of people who had education. A relitive with an educated husband would get made fun of at my house. Im sure he thought my dad was a moron.My dad even had my brothers laughing at me taking classes.



Edited by little big man (02/27/12 12:40 AM)

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#387469 - 02/27/12 01:54 AM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: little big man]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Little Big Man:

Your dad and mine could have been clones of each other: he raped me when I was a little boy, and the constant rage and put downs. His only words of telling me I got it right are the words that surfaced in my memory of what he said to me as he raped me. He's dead 2 1/4 years and I still live my life on high alert, never letting anyone close for fear of being hurt, being an insane perfectionist so that there'll be no weakness or vulnerability showing lest I be exploited and abused all over again. I wish I could just relax, be more open and trusting of those who are available in my recovery groups.

I'm so sorry for your pain, and wish I knew what to do next to live my life differently, freely.


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#387503 - 02/27/12 12:27 PM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: little big man]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Little big man,
I didn't have such parents as you've had your father. But while I was at college I was sent occasionally to my uncle who was ruler of his household by fear and rage. I've used to be very relaxed till he would show up after work. I've known that he would send me to field and for some work no matter what are weather conditions outside. That was his way to "teach" me about real life and world. To him I was always to fragile intellectual type of man who should be taught how to be a man by force. And if he was in bad temper he would yell no matter what reason is at all of us there. We later found that he has had PTSD. Anyway I'm furious at myself because I've let him over-control me in almost sadistic way. Fortunately I've used to live there for just three my worst years. I'm avoiding visiting my uncle's family because of that. If I've seen him in bad temper his behavior brings huge rage inside me. But I would propose you to do one thing.
Have you thought about writing letter to your dad?
No matter if he is not among living beings anymore. Maybe that could bring some inner peace back. You should write for your own good about all issues that you have had with him. Let him knows that you are capable of standing for yourself and that you would protect that fragile boy from past. Let him know what did he do to you. Don't be merciful, bring all your buried feelings and rage out in that letter. Yell at him with all your force, let him be scared. Tell him what kind of man he used to be and send him with your last farewell to hell...
Pardon me, I'm very angry to that kind of people and their mistreatment of others...That is thing that I would do in your place.
Be Well my brother survivor and don't be scared of that man. Tell that person that you can hear yelling with rage inside you that there are other brothers survivors who could come and protect you if he will be nasty and too loud smile!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#387532 - 02/27/12 05:40 PM Re: Still sit at home and fear my dead father yelling. [Re: peroperic2009]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Thanks peropreric!


The letter is a good idea but im afaid to feel those feelings. right now im taking risks. Risking when I speak up at meetings ill be make a fool of, critized. I do it and find support insted of judgement. Scared to do it. But I find that family of mine is not like others. If i stay encapsilated in my fear, dont take risks to see I will be accepted and not judged, I stay stuck in the past. The risk has freed me of a lot of fear, I have support. Its not like my family. So Im getting to where im letting go of the past, dont have to live in that home anymore.


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