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#386870 - 02/23/12 12:30 AM did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it.
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
In Al Anon its the 3 C's. I shared about my lifelong body shame, and self hate and a member read the 3 C's. I had not appied that to my abuse. I did not cause it: My body shame is because I took on the blame for the abuse; something I just became aware of. As children we take the blame.
I can't control it: I remeber trying to control the arm that was hitting me, later I tried to be able to read minds. Worried about what others were thinking, how they might hurt me. I would have several possible conspiricys going on in my head about what was being planned to hurt me. Eves dropping/ listening intently to conversations to hear what others might be saying about me, to be ready for the worst, not be caught off guard. going into fight or flight extreme thinking so easily. Still in a recent job I was that way. Very paraniod of people in authority over me. Always thinking of my safety never feeling safe. Perfectionism as a way to control abuse; if im perfect I am beyond reproach and maybe wont get abused by being perfect. Imperfection, making mistakes would is scary and I feel invites abuse. Severe PTSD.
Cant cure it: I cant fix my family, cant bring them out of denial, cant make them love and accept me, cant make them see that im not shit. My relitives abndoned me in early childhood and no relitive wants anything to do with me. I cant change that.



Edited by little big man (02/23/12 12:40 AM)

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#386917 - 02/23/12 10:18 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: little big man]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
little big man - You are dealing with lots of heavy stuff right now. I can hardly believe how many issues you mentioned in one relatively short post. But it sounds like you have some good handles on things and are working on it all. I applaud you for what you are accomplishing. Keep up the good work!

((((((((((((Little big man))))))))))))


Regards,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#386918 - 02/23/12 10:30 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
little big man--glad you are trying to work through your issues. you are taking the right steps. your issues are identified and hopefully with therapy and support groups you will find some answers and begin to heal. don't worry about others or your family--they need to change themselves and how they look at you--denial is theirs--you are not denying your abuse and issues and that is the most important thing.

Keep going you will heal and find the happiness you deserve. Remember your friends and people who become your family are those that you should cherish and they will be there to help you heal.


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#386923 - 02/23/12 11:48 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: KMCINVA]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Thank you so much for your supportive comments guys. For the first time in my life I'm seeing a theripist who specializes in child sexual abuse, he was molested himself and he has treated over 600 children. Even runs a camp for abused boys. He totllly understands and and I have seen many theripists who jsut dont have much of a clue about csa, thinking its a side issue.
I recommend all of us see a specialist.


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#386926 - 02/23/12 11:53 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: traveler]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
Thanks. By the way one of my puppies I named traveler. Reason was that he barly had his eys open and got out off the pen. I found him half a mile away. So at that early age she showed signs of a traveler. Me I travel too much move all the time, out of fear, Its fight or flight and I always choose flight. Cronis ptsd from abuse lasting years. Best wishes for a happy life to you!


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#386937 - 02/23/12 03:09 PM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: little big man]
livelovelaugh Offline


Registered: 01/13/12
Posts: 34
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you. Your words were exactly what I needed right now to fill that emptiness I have been feeling lately.

_________________________
"...and it was then that I carried you..."
Footprints in the Sand

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#387470 - 02/27/12 02:15 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: little big man]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
First off little big man, kudos to you brother for facing the abuse head on. I too am doing that and, although it's very difficult at times, it's better for me than hoping it will just get better.

I also agree with you about a seeing a specialist if one is able to find and afford one.

PTSD. It amazes me that all the signs were there way back to my childhood but no one f'n saw it at school, etc. I was just diagnosed for the first time a couple of months ago (Complex PTSD) and have made some really good progress towards healing it. For us CSA survivors, I personally think it is ALWAYS complex PTSD, and it would be nice if more therapists were aware of that.

Best wishes to you on your healing brother. wink

Alex


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#387474 - 02/27/12 03:06 AM Re: did not cause it, cant control it, cnt cure it. [Re: little big man]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
L.B.M. - Cool about the puppy. That is sooooo me - blundering off half-blind into the unknown!
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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