Hi I a survivor of both asa and csa- well I believe. I wanted to share some details of what happened to get some advice. When I was a kid we used to live in a condominium complex. I was an only child so I was basically always on my own. There was a kid atleast in his older teens that harassed me and pushed me around everyday. One day he made me expose myself infront of like 8 other kids by telling me if I didnt he would kill my parents. He never touched me but the humiliation of the event has always stuck with me. I have the most ridiculous fear of humiliation I barely had a voice from that point after. first question: Is this considered csa because he didnt molest me or touch me?
So as I am growing up from about the age of 5 I realize that I am gay. and since that age have identified myself as 'bottom'. I dont know if it has to do with the event i described but it always just has been what i identified as. when I was 20 I was still a virgin and visiting my parents back home in cleveland. being an only child is exhaustively boring when you are an adult in family situations. so when my parents went to sleep i decided to go to the gay bar in cleveland. well I was there all night long and met some guys that were funny and was hanging out and when i was leaving they asked if i was goin to The ______ which was the bathhouse right next door to the bar. I had never heard of a bathhouse and they described it as afterhours so i was like sure why not. well when i got there they asked me if i wanted a room or a locker and i said for what. and they looked at me like i was stupid. and they said to change your clothes. so being the consistently self conscious person I am, I said a room. Well it didnt take me long to figure out what a bathhouse was when I was inside. It freaked me out so I just stayed in my room except to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. At some point during the night as i slept i was viciously attacked by a huge guy that beat me and raped me so violently i was bleeding everywhere. During the attack he kept using vulgar language describing my female sex organs-(best way to put it) so Im thinking he was straight. anyway. I didnt tell anyone for months and I was hurt really bad internally and I didnt know that I was actually almost dead from an internal abscess that went septic. I lived with a tube inside me for 8weeks after and I have had to have around 6 surgeries to fix what he did. this was in 2001 and my latest surgery was two years ago. I feel like everytime i need to have surgery again it feels like im being attacted again. This has made me feel destroyed and ugly down there and embarrassed and unloveable.this also happened while i was uninsured so I have 100s of thousands of dollars of medical bills on my credit. I feel like he took away any chance ill ever have to have a normal sex life/life- and I have destroyed my self since with drugs and meaningless sex. The worst part is the only thing it seems im attracted too is really rough sex. and that makes me feel like i am a disgusting person. I m sorry i just needed to spew all this out. because of the embarrassing situation in the location of my attack I have told almost no one about it.

Don't be sorry my friend, I am sooooo sorry you went through all this. I am amazed at the strength you show.

I don't know whether there would be a formal definition that being exposed was sexual abuse, but I do think you were sexually abused. What's the difference between what happened to you and someone taking your and selling it as kiddie porn. In fact, as I write this, I am convinced you were used sexually, even if you were not touched, per se. If nothing else, your soul as raped. That's bad enough.

Then, to be raped as you were in the bathhouse...well, that doesn't even need to be addressed as a question. You were raped and I am so sorry you have had such ill effects.

So, how are you able to manage the medical bills now. Or did you file bankruptcy perhaps. It's not my business. Just hate seeing you pay for that SOBs actions for the rest of your life.

Welcome to a safe house my friend.

I just get collectors calls and wage garnishment threats. I havent filed. i have a stupid fear of answering the phone and getting the mail cause it is always just a bill from something resulting from this situation. i just started seeing a therapist she told me to maybe seek out a support group to talk about things thats why im here. im an agoraphobe so i prefer online everything

Hi Artistandvictum,
I'm so sorry for you, you've had such terrible traumatic experience. I'm left without proper words.
In first place you were bullied by that other kid and in some way I think it is CSA. For me it is not so important definition of CSA and thing if he has or hasn't touched you. You were forced to expose yourself to other kids and that was certainly traumatic experience which could left some scar on you, that is important.
Now for other part of your thread, my gosh, I was trembling and reading. I'm so sorry that you were attacked in such sadistic way. That bastard should be in jail.
Anyway I hope that you are at least physically healed after so many health issues. I'm worried has your soul found proper way to deal with such huge trauma. Thing is that you could have PTSD or some other problem left in your psyche which could sometimes take control of your life and make things even worse for you. Problem whit drugs and meaningless sex is certainly connected whit your trauma. Your attractiveness to rough sex could be also connected to it. Survivors use to repeat and look for some similar experience to traumatic one. It is known mechanism by which brain is trying to repeat same or similar experience in try to finds way out of trauma, even that never happens. It hasn't to be exactly the same thing, but drive force has to be similarly high and compulsive. That could be for example porn/sex addiction, tendency to dangerous/unprotected sex with strangers, drug/alcohol overuse etc. That destructive trait of your behavior is let say scar left by trauma and you must look for answers how to deal with it and heal it. Recovery is certainly possible. I'm glad to hear that you have started therapy, full recovery wouldn't be possible without expert assistance.
Here at least we can listen you and give you some encouraging words.You should use every resource available like chat room - Healing circle. Also try to find some books which could help you to understand what consequences are left to you by trauma, for example: Victims No Longer by Mike Lew could be good or some other (not sure which books could be related to adults who were assaulted).
You are so brave because you've decided to revel us your story, it must be hard keeping it for so long time. You are doing great thing! Keep going in that direction.
Be Well!
Pero

Artistandvictim....

I don't have any words...just that I hope you can find healing here...

thanks for the kind words

Hi, Artist -

I started reading your post because it seems you share - with me - the unfortunate distinction of having both CSA and ASA experiences. As I read through your post, I was struck with the resonance in our experiences.

First of all, I wonder if you could seek some help from a victim's assistance organization. You have medical bills, but I would imagine you also have medical records that speak of the kind of torn tissue damage that no one could easily argue as a result of consensual sex. Contact rape victim assistance organizations and any place they might direct you to - perhaps there is some help out there for people in similar situations.

In a nutshell, I was a victim of long-term CSA - one of several victims of a serial molester who targeted 7-8 year old girls, although he picked me as well (even though I was a boy). It almost went to the courts, and when it did not, he just kept going...

The first time I ever came out was so similar to your experience it's almost eerie. In my case it was in a gay bar (I've never been to a bathhouse)- second time I was there. The bartender bought me drinks, invited me to stay after closing to finish the one he gave me RIGHT at closing (how convenient!), locked the door and the rest is sad history.

I thought I suffered real bad internal damage - when he finished with me I literally stayed on the pool table thinking I would just bleed out internally and die.

wow Im sorry eric our stories are unfortunately similar. thanks for sharing with me

Hi Artistandvictum:

First, Welcome to MS. I'm sorry you need to be here, but as the saying goes, we are happy you found your way here.

There is no doubt in my mind that you were abused when forced to expose yourself. No doubt at all. It was traumatic. You were told that your parents would be killed if you failed to comply. What choice did you have? None. That was abuse.

As for what happened when you were an adult? That was sexual assault in my mind. And again, I have no doubt about it. It was also traumatic from both a psychological and physical point of view. There was no question about the lack of informed consent. No question at all.

Is there a gay men's health centre where you live? Or some other gay men's organizations that might be able to point you in the direction of getting some assistance or counselling?

I know it will seem unlikely at this point in your recovery, but as you tell more and more people your story, it does actually get easier. The shame, the guilt that you carry was, and is not yours to carry. It belongs to the people that hurt you as a child, and as an adult. It does get better.

Welcome again to MS.

Jim

Thanks Jim I check the message board regularly but i feel like I maybe people dont want to talk with me because I identify as gay now. It seems like most members and survivors are straight and I dont want to offend or trigger them.