Hi guys,

I'm pretty new here so apologies if this has been discussed before.

I'll try to make this long story as short as possible.

I've always been a very sexual guy, masturbating from as early as I can remember. I've also been a big fan of porn, starting with my dad's Hustlers when I was a kid and then jerking to whatever I could get my hands on. Fortunately for me, I'm a good looking guy and have had an easy time attracting girls so I've had sex with a lot of them. I've also frequented a lot of strip clubs, porn theaters, massage parlors, etc, cause I love the thrill. Well, the night I was raped, I had planned to meet a hot young woman for sex in a motel. I made an excuse to my wife (I know the very wrong thing to do) and went out. The hot girl turned out to be three guys with a gun who said they would tie me up, take my wallet and leave. Instead, they let me keep my wallet but spent several hours using me for their S&M-type fantasies. After it was over (which seemed like years), they let me go threatening to turn all of my emails over to my wife if I said anything to anyone. Needless to say, they got away with it, and I know I'm responsible for being so irresponsible.

I've had major ups and downs dealing with this -- mood swings from when I think it's not a big deal and no one knows about it anyway to depression, rage and humiliation that they did all those things. Yet, I find that the rape bothers me the least when I'm really horny. I've even been able to sexualize it a little and try to find things about it that may have been pleasurable -- at least for them. I've never been into men but I now find myself studying gay porn, especially if one guy is forcing another or has him tied up or is flogging him. It disgusts, fascinates and almost turns me on. Although it sickens me that I'm jerking off to this stuff, it feels so much better than being upset by it. I often wish I could find the guys who attacked me and interview them about why they picked me, what it was like for them, and why they did what they did. Then I'd kill them. I also find myself researching bdsm equipment like ball gags and whips, things they used on me. I'm obsessed with learning about them, how they're designed and work. I want to hear from them how a ball gag in a guy's mouth is appealing and why they chose that gag and not a different one. I think I'm going crazy but it's hard not to obsess.

Does this make sense to anyone? I think most people will tell me that sexualizing it is the wrong thing to do but it feels good to do it and alleviates a lot of the trauma for a while. Am I kidding myself or can having been raped be not a big deal?

Ironically, when I'm on this site, I feel like I'm a 14 yo kid again, kneeling on the bathroom floor with a Hustler, trying to hide something sexual that seems wrong and right at the same time.

Sorry for the crazy ramble.

Hi PeteN,


I've found these sentences as very good de>

Thanks Pero. I'll definitely check out the Family and Friends section. I've found this site helpful already just be seeing that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.

Hey Pete ...

You're not alone ...it's been 20 years since my rapes. I still struggle with these issues as well.

I struggle with self objectivity,with pain cravings, all the way to finding myself wanting to be treated like a piece of meat again...

Feel free to pm me if you need to talk,

Forrest

Hi Forrest,
I've read your story recently and think that you've had very bad and terrible experience. I'm so sorry man. It is hard to believe but I was these days thinking to direct PeteN to your story. Somehow I've seen some similarities -your both stories are in the same way triggering for me.
But I haven't been comforted in doing so without asking you in first place and I've given up; and now you have commented this thread. It is very strange coincidence .
I'm so glad that you've offered help to PeteN!
Be well,
Pero

Hey pero ...

Sorry my story triggered you...but I hope maybe it can help Pete and others too..

Hi, PeteN.

YES, Yes, Yes. What you wrote makes perfect sense to me. I too have been involved with men in the bdsm community. I am straight but, what the abuse taught me in order to be liked included being beaten sexually by men - IMHO. I too would sneak my dads porn and later my moms porn (parents got divorced) in order to have something to JO to.

NONE Of the actors in the bdsm community would ever say this and if you asked them to "act out" ones abuse as a child they would run away from you. BUT, the fact for me is when I was NOT telling them about why I wanted the bdsm sex they were more than willing to provide it.

Anyways, I am not trying to hijack your thread/story but, I am relating my experience.

It took me time to "figure out" why I like being abused. I still have times when I "miss" subtle cues of others being "off".

You are not alone. Keep writing, reading, researching the front of this website especially the affirmations, etc.

Peace,
Avery