{{{{{EYES}}}}

Thank You! Hope you are doing well.

(((eyes)))

Another one of my heroes. You are right about the folks responding to this thread. Thanks.

How are you

Dar -- How I'm doing is posted here .

Jim,

I, too, love this post. One thing that stands out to me the most is where you say something about when u succumb (to porn I guess). As a spouse, that is acting out and cheating so in my mind, if my husband was still doing that I wouldn't waste my time in marriage counselling either. If you aren't "sober", your mind isn't clear enough for marriage counselling and it would be a huge waste of my time and money.

That is just my opinion. On another note, and again this is just my opinion too, if your wife doesn't get help for herself, your marriage will not survive because of the things mentioned in your post but even worse, she won't survive all this intact.

You mentioned that she is a therapist. Is that why she thinks she doesn't need to go? We all know how many therapists there are who know NOTHING of CSA and the effects. Couple that with the fact thaat she is so personally invested, she is missing out on some much needed help and healing. My heart goes oout to her.

Is it fair that we have to go to therapy and go through all this pain because of what was done to us by our most trusted spouses? No, it isn't fair but it also isn't fair that survivors have to do the same because of someone else's f$%ked up behaviours.

Just my opinion and thanks so much for your post. It gave me alot of good food for thought.

Well... I was afraid that you and other survivors might not actually be survivors yet. Those who are still in victimhood might use me as their punching bag. Why this happens, I'm not quite sure, but I've been a punching bag for others here a time or two.

Maybe those who attack posters with insults and taunts do so because they are personally threatened by the hard topics?

I am learning that one who has transitioned from victim to survivor has given up that defensive stance, is actively and eagerly looking for the "holes" in his stunted emotional/sexual development, and is increasingly able to see and empathize with another's pain.

To me, the survivor responses/participation in this thread are indicitive of SURVIVORHOOD. Until receiving your non-reactive, healthy, mature, thoughful, humble, validating response to a post that was not merely filled with rainbows and unicorns, I kept my gloves up to protect my head.

As it is a healing, productive exercise in conversing with my husband about the hard things these days, it is healing and productive conversing with other survivors here, too. Survivors' posts help me regain a feeling of safety. Survivors' posts, when they mirror words and tell of actions my husband demonstrates, help fill me with hope that I CAN trust that we are on a true path of healing.

Victims' posts/replies can be a "blast from the past"- a trip back down a road so painful, so abusive, so destructive, that I will forever be truly afraid of traversing again.

Your posts identify you as a survivor. I'm not afraid of survivors- by their own healing, survivors help heal others. But I remain terrified of victims.

I hope this makes sense???

Hugs-
herowannabe

Makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

I am sorry, Hero. That earlier question was kinda screwball. I know I have expected to be pounded by you and others for some of the stuff I said. I appreciate that you haven't, becausse coming from your perspective, you probably have every right to do so. I know my wife has every right to laugh at some of the stuff I have written.

What you said made perfect sense. I really didn't expect such a great answer because, to me, I thought it was self-apparent that no supporter should ever expect to be bashed. Of all people you guys did not sign up for this crap and, honestly, the support and love you guys offer tells me you should never be bashed for anything you say.

Y'all are pretty special.

I thank you for what you have said about me. Please don't take this as being disrespectful of your opiniong, but I just don't see in me what you say of me.

I don't feel like a survivor. I am just a scared little kid who wants very badly to end the life I live and return to Jesus. I guess I say that, but there is still a large part of me that wants to find a way out of this toruture. If I wasn't married with kids, I think I would be far more inclined to not care that much about the living part. But I really don't want my family to feel the pain of me dying. And I do know that they would be sad, even if I do think sometimes they would be better off without me.

If I do sound like a survivor, it's only because I was brought up to believe that it doesn't help to throw crap at other people just to make myself feel good. I might want sometimes to say something hurtful, or in anger, but that's where it stops most of the time. I just want so badly to not hurt anyone, while at the same time being of help to everyone.

Unfortunately, I don't so as well with my wife and family as I do with others.

Anyway, just rambling here. I think I have guessed who your husband is and if I am right, regardless of what he has done to hurt you, I do think you have a pretty special guy there. He has a pretty special woman too.

Anyhow, I appreciate your kindness and everyone elses.

Jim

I won't speak for my wife, butshe tells me thatsome of the reason she won't do marriage counseling is because nobody would do it like she does.

Her words, not mine.

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeez, that sucks Jim. Is she really that good? That would be hard to live with.

That sounds like crap to me (sorry) she sounds scared. Maybe she's just way more comfortable being on the other side of things. It's no fun spilling your screwed up guts out on a therapist. It may be an ego thing. I know I had a hard time opening up to the deep dark ugly secrets of my life.

We all work so hard to look normal on the outside.