I've come to realize something I'm uncomfortable about based on my discussions and readings on this site and want to be honest with you guys and get your thoughts. I find myself questioning how many of these experiences are real or whether they're exaggerated or other things. I think this feeling of mine comes from several things: my inability to trust since my own assault, a certain amount of shock and amazement that these things can really have happened in general and that they could've happened to males in particular. The crazy thing about it is that I WAS ASSAULTED, TOO, so I know first hand that this shit takes place. Yet, I still get this feeling that comes over me that says "nah, it's not true."

I think my feeling is reflective of what people in our society think -- that men don't get raped or they secretly wanted and allowed it.

On top of that, I find want to ask questions of the survivor so that I can wrap my mind around his story, understand it and believe it. I tell myself I should be sympathetic without understanding it or knowing the details, but that's hard for me to do. I want to understand it and be sympathetic but I feel guilty about asking questions, cause I feel like I'm interrogating the survivor and re-victimizing him.

Does any of this make any sense? I feel like a cold-hearted hypocritical douche but I find it hard to really express any strong sympathy until I know who did what, why, where and how.

makes sense to me

Pete, please feel free to ask anything you want. there is nothing to hide here.

It did take me a little time to overcome the shyness and embarassment of what happened to me, and nobody even know who I am here, just a guy typing words trying to heal.

CSA & ASA happens to more people than we could ever imagine and we/you can open up here on MS and find help and answers that so many of us are seeking.

I am sorry you are here but at the same time I am glad that you found us.

Speak up Pete.

Blessings

Pete,

Your questions are normal for a newcomer to the world of male sexual abuse.

The human mind will try to make sense of trauma and encounter difficulty accepting difficult truths.*


Have you read any of the articles, books, or professional resources listed on this site?

Have you talked openly to a T about your recent assault?

Navigating the world of male sexual abuse is difficult: I ask these questions because I hear you trying to reach conclusions based on others' stories posted here, and not accessing professional guidance, research and literature about male sexual abuse to add to all this new information.

I was not abused as an adult as you were. (although I was abused by showing up someplace I shouldn't have been.)

My childhood sexual abuse was repressed for 35 years and both (the abuse and the repression) strongly affected my development and my sexuality until I got help. Addictions, depression, fear, and shame were with me for much of these years. Wanting exact details, evidence, and facts were an early pre-occupation for me once the abuse came falling out of the closet I had locked it in when I was 9.

Still today, parts of my rational, intellectual mind bring up doubts: but my abuse has enough corroboration (and a related police report) that I no longer regularly torment myself with second-guessing. Nor do I rehash the details of my abuse three years into recovery unless it serves a good healing purpose among people who are safe or has some awareness of these issues.

I had to work through my own experiences, memories, and years of behaviors (being hyper-sexual, compulsive, and risky in seeking sex) and many defense mechanisms that distracted me from digesting the truth about my abuse. Untangling all this (our abuse, our lives) to live better lives, IMHO, is what recovery is about.

It is easier for my mind to believe I wasn't traumatized in the ways I remember. But that belief rings false to the rest of me.

I'm not sure this answers some of your questions, but it is what is true for me. I think the defensiveness of denial- both individually and collectively - is a common reaction to male sexual abuse.

"First they ignore you, then they mock you, then they fight you, then you win." M. Gandhi

*(I look back to 9-11 and my reaction to the event as it was happening-it was outside my normal experience in this world and took weeks and months for me to fully process the horror of it all and integrate/normalize into my consciousness. Even today, there are those who seek alternative explanations for what we all witnessed.)

Pete I think your post is great - you admit something that is hard to say, you fear saying it might result in criticism and it's awkward to talk about trust or the lack thereof.

I think most survivors (myself included) can relate to your post.

On questioning survivors, if you feel it will help your healing you can always just send someone a private message and ask them about their post privately. My bet is most people will appreciate the PM, whether or not they answer your questions.

An it's good you want to be sympathetic too - that's a good part why most of us are here.

Heal well,

Wow, Pete -

I sort of understand where that comes from with me at least. For the duration of my abuse, I was convinced I was the only boy who was going through this. It was my greatest secret and my deepest shame and I kept it entirely to myself for my entire childhood and youth. So I come here and I see tons of guys had their own secret shames and my reaction is a mixture of say 99% wow! and 1% hmmm... really?

Add to that the dynamic that I didn't even tell myself - I kept a diary when I was twelve and I would not even tell my journal! So I don't see it as a huge leap of logic to understand why we maintain a level of skepticism. Factor in the trust issues with our abusers that obviously flows over to everyone around us and one could argue that it's practically inevitable.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the understanding.

i think in a way it does.

sociologists say the usa is the most "optimistic" bunch on the planet. we aren't the happiest - but no one cares.

now, i personally think that optimism is drug/media-induced, but still it is meant to make "society at large" believe things are not quite as bad as they seem.

examples?

being fucked as a boy is not so bad... "hey, at least you had a coach! or a pastor who cared about you!".... and losing your job at 40 - "hey, home depot is hiring, and if you don't want that job you are just feeling entitled -- loser...." burying a child due to cancer at 5, "well, we all have to die sometime. you can have another child! get moving!"

optimism. disconnected. heartless. sick. so - we are dealing with really evil and mentally-deranged people here running the usa....

don't buy into their agenda, in my view.

what you know to be true is far more relevant and important than what society thinks. question everything, and the answers will come.

A

@lbcali...

You just very eloquently stated my fears as well. I recently started a thread about reservations posting my own story for the same reasons, essentially. The fact that our stories are just out there and viewable without first registering (hence making our stories searchable by anyone on Google?) still doesn't make much sense to me since this is supposed to be a "safe" place for sharing.

I share my more personal experiences usually only in private chats or private messages and it's still tough because I do have - like many others here - trust issues. The fact remains that you have to share here with your eyes wide open. There is no instant trust online - just like the real world, that trust must be built over time, earned. I still wonder if I make the mistake of trusting too much.