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#386846 - 02/22/12 09:51 PM I need help with this one - please
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am currently living in a care facility who asked me if I wanted anyone to be screened from contacting me.

I said "my mother." I stopped talking with my mother nearly 2 years ago. My mother was one of 4 relatives who abused me as a minor. The other 3 abusers were males. So, the care facility here has a "block" on my mom calling me.

My mother in Nov. of 2009 - so just a little over 2 years ago - came walking into her living room naked and sat on the couch. She has been married 4 times including the first husband who was my dad.

Well, I found out from a friend just a few days ago that she called him. A cousin of mine asked for my phone number here a few months ago but, that cousin who talks with my mom has never called here. So, I believe she is trying to get ahold of me or at least that is what I am hoping for. I am hoping she cares about me - loves me.

Well, I am thinking of having the "block" removed. I am wanting to know if she cares/loves me. I honestly don't know.

What are your thoughts? Can a woman be so self-assorbed that she does not love her children? What can happen? Am I being selfish?

Avery

P.S. Hopefully, I have not left out any necessary information. My T and my therapy group are talking with me about this.



Edited by Avery46 (02/22/12 09:52 PM)
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#386858 - 02/22/12 10:56 PM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Avery46]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Avery,

Yes a person can be so self-absorbed that they do not realize, or care, the damage that they are inflicting on others.

As for the ability for these types of people to express love in a mutually beneficial way, I doubt it at this time. Maybe after some therapy to figure out what and why they are doing destructive things to themselves and others.

You are not being selfish. Protecting yourself from destructive people is a good thing.


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#386862 - 02/22/12 11:04 PM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did.

Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Protect yourself, Avery, but never be afraid to follow your heart, because hearts heal but regrets can haunt you forever...

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#386868 - 02/23/12 12:19 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Avery

When you were a boy and all that was going on, there weren't sufficient boundaries between a mother and son. She may have not known herself what sort of boundaries were good and necessary. She may even had some mistaken notion that what she was doing was good in some way.

In order to try to relate to her again, you will need to try to establish some sort of boundaries. When you have that, then you can start growing in your relationship again. She will also have to learn these things.

To start with, maybe just writing short letters would be enough. Voice contact can be very indelicate. You can even have your group leader or somebody read the letters first and only hand on to you the parts that might not be hurtful. Limit it to a paragraph. Then in writing her back, do the same thing. Just send a card with a few sentences on it.

Reestablishing a relationship must take some time as old wounds heal.

Puffer


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#386874 - 02/23/12 12:43 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Avery46]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Avery

Well yes a woman can be so self absorbed that she doesnt care for anyone else.
My T is trying to take me through the "can you see her as an abused person routine. It is helping a little, to see her as a broken person. But I am still petrified of her calling me. I try to avoid the call at all costs.
My worry is that she talks to you and does not give you the affirmation you seek.

Perhaps your healing a lot more before you face/talk to her is a better concept. Be sure that you have the ability to deal with whatever she throws at you.

Heal well
MArtin

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#386889 - 02/23/12 02:34 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: whome]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Be careful.
Go slow.
Listen to your heart.
But also listen to your reason and common sense.
Look at the history.
Is there evidence of any kind of change in the dynamics between you and her or between her and anyone else?
Fear is not always irrational.
Sometimes it is based on very good reasons.
What Puffer said about boundaries is very wise.
Keep yourself safe.

Take care,
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#386890 - 02/23/12 02:36 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: traveler]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
you have been my ffiened for so long.. you kmnw i wish i could confort you more than this,... idk.. i kind of relate with you .. "love" and "care" sometimes is not real you know.. .be areful pleade.. i f i was you., no ... not yet .. i need you safe first


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#386921 - 02/23/12 11:16 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
To all of you guys, puffer, Alive, Eric, Martin, Lee and Daniel_forgotten.

I really really appreciate all of your replies. This is a process, right.

This is tough as this relationship is with my own mother.

Originally Posted By: ALIVE 3n1
....Protecting yourself from destructive people is a good thing.


Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
....never be afraid to follow your heart, because hearts heal but regrets can haunt you forever..


Originally Posted By: Pufferfish
....Reestablishing a relationship must take some time as old wounds heal..


Originally Posted By: whome
....My worry is that she talks to you and does not give you the affirmation you seek..


Originally Posted By: traveler
....Keep yourself safe...


Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten
....i need you safe first


I am crying with joy at your concern for me.

Here is too a better relationship. BUT, most of all here is too a better me.

Avery



Edited by Avery46 (02/23/12 11:18 AM)
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#386924 - 02/23/12 11:52 AM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Avery46]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Avery,
I'm so sorry for you. I know what is feeling when you are hungry for parental love. It is something that you needed the most during your childhood and afterwards growing. Unfortunately it seems that you didn't get it enough and now you are hungry for it from time to time. I'm sure that your mother loves you but in some twisted way which didn't do good to you. That probably stayed the same and that is something that you can't change - be aware of this. I'm scared a little bit that in case you'll revive your relationship with mother she could do some harm again (even non-intentionally). So be careful in this.
Maybe you could just slightly rise your blockade in some future (you should take some time and think about it in relaxed and cool state).
Anyway you decide you should dictate mutual communication in accordance to safe procedures prescribed by you. For example that could be communication by written letters. You could specify and ask for exclusively that kind of communication (it is easy to control it and written words have more power than e-mails, phone talk etc). In first letter you should set rules and boundaries for yourself (how often you should write to each other, themes which could be disturbing to you or whatsoever you could think of). You should state in clear words that you should dictate communication according to your needs and you should act in accordance to those rules.
I don't know is this manageable and an option for you? But if I would you I would think how to set up some (better than none) communication but strictly in manageable and controllable way.
I hope this would be helpful!

Pero

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#386933 - 02/23/12 01:44 PM Re: I need help with this one - please [Re: Avery46]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

******"BUT, most of all here is too a better me."********

I like this statement best off all.

Heal well
Martin

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