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#387671 - 02/28/12 07:22 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Originally Posted By: Esposa
As a spouse, the problem I see with this whole thing of protecting yourself and wearing masks, is that it is a barrier to truly receiving the compassion and unconditional love that you deserve and have earned.


You are correct.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#387680 - 02/28/12 07:55 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: traveler]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi,

Lying, even unintentionly, can also stop relationships from developing and growing and then to a breakdown in the relationship in single survivors as well as married couples.

I had burried my abuse way back wherever it goes to get burried. A woman that I was with after hiding my abuse way back "there", asked me if I was keeping something from her and when I said no, she said that if I didn't know now, eventually I would know what she was talking about and say yeh, she was right.

Little did I realize it would be 40+ years before I realised what she was talking about. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if she was also abused and picked up on my abuse subconsciously. Like they say, everything happens for a reason!!! I guess so but I'm not so sure.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#387681 - 02/28/12 08:01 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3524
Loc: somewhere in Africa
***As a spouse, the problem I see with this whole thing of protecting yourself and wearing masks, is that it is a barrier to truly receiving the compassion and unconditional love that you deserve and have earned.***

Of course it is! It is also terribly lonely and painful!!!! But the feared alternative - exposure and vulnerability - seems even worse - scarier because we have experienced THAT and it isn't good. And we HAVEN"T esperienced the love & compassion in this context that MIGHT possibly result.

Again - looking at it from your normal, reasonable, sympathetic perspective will never work if you are trying to understand it from a CSA survivor point of view.

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#387682 - 02/28/12 08:02 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Sailor John]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
This is an interesting idea.

Lying is self castration ultimately. It seems to hurt those around you, when in reality, it most hurts the liar. It is impossible to live with any authenticity and it is extremely stressful I expect.

I think that my husband is going through some kind of shock lately. He revealed some. I still liked him. He revealed more. I still liked him. He revealed all the crazy stuff and you know what, I still liked him. Then he slept with my friend - not such a big fan today.


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#387683 - 02/28/12 08:08 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Thank you Lee - I use this site and insight like yours to try to see things the way he sees things. It's hard wink For both of us.


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#387712 - 02/29/12 01:23 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I'm loving this thread!

Lee's explanation is SPOT on what my husband said. Word for word.

It took a while for my mind to wrap around it, but I do understand it better and better these days.

How have I been able to understand it? The ONE and ONLY way I've gained a better understanding of it is with my husband's disclosures. Those little revelations pop up out of the clear blue. They may be things that he's just remembered, or they may be things that he suddenly realizes was NOT normal thought/action/feeling, etc.

When this happens, he is learning to push it FORWARD in his mind (not back to the file cabinet). From there, it goes to his mouth where it is spoken, into my ears, on to my mind, where it melds with rest of his disclosures and is processed. After the processing of the information, which creates a clearer understanding, it all goes straight to my heart, where the clearer understanding nurtures my ability to trust, to be compassionate, to apply the wisdom gathered, and strengthens my woefully injured self-esteem.

Now that we have gotten through the eye of the infidelity storm, he is increasingly bringing forth memories and revelation. He drops whatever he's doing and immediately shares those things (hard things) with me. It's like a flippin' bolt of lightning flashes for us both!

Each revelation is a piece of the puzzle, and helps us both connect-the-dots beginning in his childhood, through adolescence, into young adulthood, and through to the present. Every single revelation shared is a blessing for us both because we can SEE the "why" of the behaviors that almost killed us. I mean it! We can SEE it all falling into a perfectly painted picture that tells the whole story. Being able to see that developing story is what enables him to devise new, mature, healthy behaviors, which heals him of shame. Seeing that developing picture allows my eyes to be opened to how very true it is that none of this had anything to do with "me". It allows me to see the progression of damage done to a young boy who has found himself in an adult's body with absolutely NONE of the normal development of self that he'd have had had he not been damaged so long ago.

We've all marveled at our kids who do the dumbest things- dangerous, careless things that could have hurt their own self or someone else. We ask them why they did such a thing. What do they answer? "I DON'T KNOW". Our child is answering honestly: he has NO clue why he did that dumb thing. The spirit moved him and he went with it! He lacked the maturity and reasoning skills to think through his impulse. But we know for sure that he didn't do the dumb thing because he didn't love us. His love for us had nothing to do with the dumb thing he did.

Our survivors, as adults, know on a certain level that an impulse toward a particular action is wrong, but damned if they have the ability to reason through it before acting. When we, as healthy adults ask them why they did such a thing (obviously, it's because they don't love us, right?), they answer honestly: "I DON'T KNOW". They truly don't know why they did what they did, though they KNOW they love us. That's the truth. I have come to believe that my husband does love me, so I will support him in his efforts to recover/grow into his adult self. The survival of our marriage depends on him doing that hard work.

I can't urge the survivors enough to TALK about these things that come to the front of your mind. Even if it doesn't seem significant to you, and it feels best left unsaid for whatever reason, SAY IT OUTLOUD!!! There is true magic in putting every one of those memories out into the open. Though you may not be able to fathom HOW expressing some revelation can possibly help, every single one of them is a critical part of the puzzle that is YOU! If you want to understand yourself, if you want to stop the cycle of crazy, if you want to be released from your shame, and if you want your partner to understand you, put it all out there as it comes to you.

It's THAT important. I promise.

Godspeed, All!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#387744 - 02/29/12 07:19 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: herowannabe]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Quote:
they may be things that he suddenly realizes was NOT normal thought/action/feeling, etc.


I've just started this proccess. As is evident from my sign up date on this site. That statement is the point I'm still at. I'm not comfortable enough to deal with the REAL memories. I tried to force them out and into the forefront of my mind when I first started reasearching my "condition". I sound like leonard from momento. Remember Sammy Jankins. Or was it Leeeeeeeeroyyyyy. But I digress. I found I was easily confused by my own memories of what happened. The more I dwelt on the darkness the more surreal and improbable certain memories became. Some of what I had built my whole assumptions on seems to be, less real now then, than ever before. So I'll leave the darkness in a moldy old stack in the back of my mind. Right now I'm dealing with the convoluted thought and behavior patterns I've developed over the years. Simple awareness of these feelings occasionally leads to a glimpse of unclouded diorhamas. I also let the enter my mind but i dont dwell on them. I've said in the past I dont want to just beat depression, I want to beat the ever living shit out of depression. Right now I'm learing to fight depression by dealing with my involuntary responses and recognizing them for what they are. Distorted truths. There is a sliver of truth to all of my warped mental proccies. Each shard of reality I glean from the distortion is placed with care in a new memory bank. One day I'll either have enough shards to look at the stained glass window that is "The Truth", or be strong enough to throw a brick through the cobbled together images and forget the moving pictures entirely. Either of the two paths is fine for me because they both follow the same road for now, and in the end, either result will be indicative of my have progressed far enough to truely bury my past.

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#387751 - 02/29/12 09:17 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Treehugger75]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Treehugger - I think the simple act of becoming aware is the big part of the battle. To catch yourself.

Our marriage therapist once talked to us about the old brain, the amygdala and how it contains our conditioned responses. The challenge for everyone is to grab hold of that thought, that first thought, and take a look at it. Once you do that enough, you start to see how off or disfunctional some of our ingrained thoughts are - this is true for everyone.


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#388026 - 03/02/12 03:09 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3524
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks again to all of the above contributors. You have helped sooooooo much.

Hero - gonna start doing what you said tomorrow morning -

*** If you want to understand yourself, if you want to stop the cycle of crazy, if you want to be released from your shame, and if you want your partner to understand you, put it all out there as it comes to you. ***

taking my wife out to breakfast and we'll read this whole thread together. Scared spitless - but gotta do it! it's a start.

Any and all prayers gratefully acccepted,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#388121 - 03/02/12 10:26 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: traveler]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Don't be skeered, Lee! What do you have to lose but the closely kept hurts that have kept you prisoner? smile

One thing neither we supporters or you, our partners, are quite cognizant of is that many survivors have choosen as mates people who hold a great, driving ability (almost a need) to be of help, to model compassion, to see the value of sacrifice.

Sometimes, supporters take this quality to an extreme and become "co-dependent". However, many of us maintain the balance.

I suspect your wife may be very much like us, which means that she will be grateful and energized by your disclosures. Each time I'm handed one of my husband's secrets/revelations, it is a GIFT. It gives me something to work with, something understandable to counter the incomprehensible.

I believe I help him with what he shares because my view of his disclosure is crystal clear, where he's carried it for so long, he can't see it for what it really is. I imagine it's a relief for him to be shown a mature, healthy way to look at his abuse and his acting out. In the light of day, it's not so horrible anymore.

Prayers going up for you, sweet soul!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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