I on the other hand don't want to be entirely honest with her in fear of her getting upset at something that she thinks might happen as opposed to actually having happened.
This has just happened, I lied about something stupid, and she saw it as me cheating on her again.
With all due respect, (and I hope you know I DO so respect you), if you can't be 100% honest about 100% everything with your wife, she is justified in believing you are cheating on her. Because you are cheating. You are cheating her of the truth.
Even if you fear being honest as you know it'll stir it all up for her, you MUST do that. Please trust me, sweet soul, that there is NOTHING you can reveal to her in a spirit of soul-baring truthfulness that will make matters worse for you in the long run. Yes, some revelations will hurt her and will anger her and may cause a period of despair. But if you explain to her that you are bringing forth the information in effort to prove to her your determination to be absolutely open and honest, she WILL come to appreciate it. She WILL understand that you didn't "have" to be forthcoming with the truth, but because you did- in spite of it being a terrifying thing for you to do, her trust in you will begin to strengthen.
Just a few weeks ago, my husband revealed something more to me that was truly a difficult thing for any human being to have to tell. He didn't have to. We were doing fine. I wasn't prodding him for "what else are you hiding". It was out of the clear blue. I was stunned by the revelation, but quickly came to see it as a true gift from him. It was the gift of being handed a well-hidden secret as a token of his determination to end his cycle of deception, dishonesty, manipulation of facts to serve his interest. My heart said, "If he can tell me of this horrible thing, I am inclined to feel more secure that he will be honest with me about everything else".
Just as male survivors of CSA quickly developed "hypersensitivity" to your surroundings, peoples' moods, the deeper meaning of something said, etc., betrayed spouses have also quickly developed that same trait. As a child, you developed it to protect yourself from further damage; we have developed it for the same reason. She KNOWS in her heart you are not being butt-naked honest with her. She KNOWS in her heart you are still hiding things. She KNOWS in her heart it's just a matter of time before she is hurt again by a lie. You've GOT to prove to her that she can begin to let go of that hypervigilience; that you will be honest in all things past and present. Until you can conquer this, your marriage will not become stable and secure; she will never be healed. Nor will you!
I pray you take my words with the complete love and respect with which I type them. I only want you to succeed!
I wish you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth-