Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
2 registered (lapchinj, 1 invisible), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63413 Topics
443357 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#387047 - 02/24/12 08:07 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Jim1104]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Jim1104
It would be insane on your part to just chalk things up to having a bad year and think he can just magically change into someone he never was.


My point exactly... I can't except this as just a bad year.


Top
#387051 - 02/24/12 08:51 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Jim1104]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
I too am a recovering liar, trying to mend the broken hearts and bridges, I smashed and burned in my neglect of my self. You are fully in control of where you lay your trust. I commend you for be open and honest about your difficulty finding trust in someone whom you love but dont seem to understand anymore. If your spouse is anything like me he appreciates you more than he can express right now. That has nothing to do with trusting you. I'm still having trouble trusting my own thoughts. Maybe thats what you are picking up on. His lack of trust in himself. Congrats again on trying whatever you can to make both of you better while still maitaining a hold on the relationship, however tenuous that hold is at the moment as you both heal together, the better your relationship will be after the healing is done.
Keep on Smiling smile

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

Top
#387094 - 02/24/12 04:49 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Bad year!!!!! I've pretty much had a bad life. But one thing I am struggling with is reconciling with my wife.

It has been a pretty rough time, and she like yourself is not wanting to trust me. She does not want to open herself up to being hurt yet again.

I on the other hand don't want to be entirely honest with her in fear of her getting upset at something that she thinks might happen as opposed to actually having happened.
This has just happened, I lied about something stupid, and she saw it as me cheating on her again.
So I can see how you are hurting and reluctant to open up, I can only presume that he is being honest. Tough spot you are in and I really don't envy you this decision.

My only reality is my own, and I know that I really want to make right with my wife. I want to make up for all the hurt and sorrow that I have caused.

My prayer for you is that your man wants to do the same for you.

Heal well
Love yourself
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#387096 - 02/24/12 05:06 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Jim1104]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Esposa,
Your "duck" words have hit the nail on the head, my friend. That is the hardest thing to get over, in my opinion, to think something (like our lives) was one thing when they weren't even close to that and we had NO IDEA!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The pain of that.


Top
#387102 - 02/24/12 05:55 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
I on the other hand don't want to be entirely honest with her in fear of her getting upset at something that she thinks might happen as opposed to actually having happened.
This has just happened, I lied about something stupid, and she saw it as me cheating on her again.


Martin-

With all due respect, (and I hope you know I DO so respect you), if you can't be 100% honest about 100% everything with your wife, she is justified in believing you are cheating on her. Because you are cheating. You are cheating her of the truth.

Even if you fear being honest as you know it'll stir it all up for her, you MUST do that. Please trust me, sweet soul, that there is NOTHING you can reveal to her in a spirit of soul-baring truthfulness that will make matters worse for you in the long run. Yes, some revelations will hurt her and will anger her and may cause a period of despair. But if you explain to her that you are bringing forth the information in effort to prove to her your determination to be absolutely open and honest, she WILL come to appreciate it. She WILL understand that you didn't "have" to be forthcoming with the truth, but because you did- in spite of it being a terrifying thing for you to do, her trust in you will begin to strengthen.

Just a few weeks ago, my husband revealed something more to me that was truly a difficult thing for any human being to have to tell. He didn't have to. We were doing fine. I wasn't prodding him for "what else are you hiding". It was out of the clear blue. I was stunned by the revelation, but quickly came to see it as a true gift from him. It was the gift of being handed a well-hidden secret as a token of his determination to end his cycle of deception, dishonesty, manipulation of facts to serve his interest. My heart said, "If he can tell me of this horrible thing, I am inclined to feel more secure that he will be honest with me about everything else".

Just as male survivors of CSA quickly developed "hypersensitivity" to your surroundings, peoples' moods, the deeper meaning of something said, etc., betrayed spouses have also quickly developed that same trait. As a child, you developed it to protect yourself from further damage; we have developed it for the same reason. She KNOWS in her heart you are not being butt-naked honest with her. She KNOWS in her heart you are still hiding things. She KNOWS in her heart it's just a matter of time before she is hurt again by a lie. You've GOT to prove to her that she can begin to let go of that hypervigilience; that you will be honest in all things past and present. Until you can conquer this, your marriage will not become stable and secure; she will never be healed. Nor will you!

I pray you take my words with the complete love and respect with which I type them. I only want you to succeed!

I wish you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


Top
#387108 - 02/24/12 06:17 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: herowannabe]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
Ahh Martin... I am with Hero here.

We are on the NO FREAKING SINGLE LIE policy around here. Not even about which traffic light you are at when you call. Hero is right, we can feel it and it triggers us, even when it is insignificant.

And also, it may seem like it will hurt to tell her and its true, she might be mad today. But she will ultimately see the confession and honesty as an act of intimacy - something I know you want to build back with her. My husband and I spent two hours last night talking about historical honesty - being honest about our pasts. That's crazy given our 17 years together. And it was hard to hear, some parts, but OMG, I felt soooo close to him after. I felt like he let me in to a secret world. And he was surprised because he has carried some of those secrets since the day we met (if not before). So we both got something we wanted. I felt special, intimate, connected, trusted - and he felt more free, more loved and more respected. Imagine.

Take the risk Martin.


Top
#387109 - 02/24/12 06:19 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: herowannabe]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Hero, you are so right about the hypersensitivity. My wife is definitely hypersensitive to somethings. And you are right, it's a valid reaction.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#387110 - 02/24/12 06:20 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Jim1104]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
True that Esposa.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#387111 - 02/24/12 06:22 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Treehugger75]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Originally Posted By: Treehugger75
I too am a recovering liar, trying to mend the broken hearts and bridges, I smashed and burned in my neglect of my self.


I love that term, "recovering liar". It is amazing the stupid unneccesary stuff my husband will lie about. He's working hard to change that and regain my trust. I appreciate his efforts. Of everything he has gone through the ONE things he tells me I will never understand and i cant relate is how engrained lying is to his psyche.


Top
#387114 - 02/24/12 06:30 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
My therapist once said to me:

"People lie when they think you are more important than they are."

I remember leaving the session like WHAT??? But then I sat on it and it started to make sense. This is an issue of self esteem more than anything else. What you feel and what you have to say are IMPORTANT, you are IMPORTANT. Don't lie to protect me because you think I will think less of you. I love you.


Top
Page 2 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.