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#386912 - 02/23/12 09:37 AM Can you just have a bad year?
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
In another post, Avery said something that stuck with me:

Honesty, integrity, love and compassion are central to a marriage.


I had a marriage like this, for 15 years. And then he came unglued and destroyed every single word on this list, in every way possible. Destroying my trust in the process, destroying my trust in him.

But now he is in recovery and he is offering those things to me again, but I don't trust his ability to provide them. It's not that I don't trust him, I simply am afraid of a person who could create so much incredible destruction and then stop one day and say "OK, cool, where were we?"

Can you just have a bad year?

(Spouses dealing with trust, here's a great article: http://www.beyondintractability.org/node/2608)


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#386922 - 02/23/12 11:23 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 774
Loc: michigan
esposa,
I feel really torn by your post. from the top and at least on the surface it seems that way He betrayed,broke trust,that He did all the things and in a real sense he did. thing that tears is this. the thing that drives, what ever that is, makes me crazy. It is so much more than I am able to describe driving me personally to the point that I would harm myself to make it stop.I dont know how far that would go I am so thankful that always It finally stopped after a little pain. If that noise,those voices,images,thoughts whatever do finally quiet and rest then I get to rest and I am great then. If not then I am raging,acting out, anxious,all that there is.but that does not let me off the hook.because I still did it whatever it maybe.yea I think it is possible to have a bad year. but I also completely understand when you hesitate. just thought I might try to help with a little perspective I just thank God that for me It Hasn't gone that far cause I might be willing to harm me...I could handle hurting her.

_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#386938 - 02/23/12 03:17 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
G1psy Offline


Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Originally Posted By: Esposa
In another post, Avery said something that stuck with me:
Honesty, integrity, love and compassion are central to a marriage.


I had a marriage like this, for 15 years. And then he came unglued and destroyed every single word on this list, in every way possible. Destroying my trust in the process, destroying my trust in him.


Hi Esposa,
I am in the exactly the same spot. I don't know about you, but i think i have never been in a marriage based on honesty, integrity, love and compassion.

Its just not what i thought it was, never was.
My perception was wrong.
A castle build on quicksand where these things that i hold dear in my life, don't seem to matter at all. Or only to me?

Now when trust is shattered so badly, its hard to trust again.
But i don't think there is any other way but to make yourself vulnerable again. Scary stuff!
Its so hard to live with someone you don't trust.
I couldn't do this for years and years to come.

I heard a wise man say, " a wife/partner in this situation, (like ours) is in fact desperate to trust again." (Jonathan Marsh, founder of recoverynation.com)

I want to trust my husband again. But that doesn't mean i have to be a fool either.
He has to show me he's for real.
In the meantime, i keep my gut feeling working and listen when it tries to tell me something.

A great website btw i found:
Peter Fox

It has tons of great insides on all of this stuff. Also a lot about intimate betrayal and how to overcome it. Shame i can't afford this guy since my husband and i both have some intimate betrayal issues to work on!

Good luck to you both,

Gipsy


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#386955 - 02/23/12 06:39 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Esposa
....but I don't trust his ability to provide them. It's not that I don't trust him, I simply am afraid of a person who could create so much incredible destruction and then stop one day and say "OK, cool, where were we?"


esposa, fyi, i'm a survivor. i do not blame you at all for feeling that way. i think the onus is 100% on him to prove to you that he is worthy of a second chance. if it doesn't meet your satisfaction - that is your call too. such is life and that has nothing at all to do with a bad year or two.

_________________________
Jeff

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#386958 - 02/23/12 06:55 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: westchesterguy]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
The thing that is crazy is this quicksand idea...I want a firm foundation now - I want a whole person. While I settled for less before, I will not now.

It looked like a duck, and sounded like a duck, but it wasn't a duck and now it says it could be a duck, but does it even know what a duck truly is - or is it just going to go back to looking and sounding like a duck? (Even I am laughing at myself right now)

And GIPSY - you are SOOOOO right.... I so desperately want to trust again. In fact, sometimes I panic because I want my trust to return NOW, TODAY. And unfortunately it doesn't work that way frown

Jeff - I get that he has to prove himself now, but the thing about this trust problem is that I don't even trust myself to know if he is proving himself.... aghghghhggh


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#386962 - 02/23/12 07:11 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
I heard a wise man say, " a wife/partner in this situation, (like ours) is in fact desperate to trust again." (Jonathan Marsh, founder of recoverynation.com)



Yyyyyes!!!! And Jonathan Marsh ought to know, huh, Gipsy?! Recover Nation saved my sanity. I'm so glad you mentioned it, as I've begun to sound like the Avon lady of RN! smile

And Peter Fox's stuff is great, too!

However, all the reading and support work in the world doesn't help to calm that deep current of fear that burdens us as we stand at the abyss of trusting him, or backing far, far away.

Be gentle with yourself, sweet soul! Afterall, if we'd have been broadsided by a truck while driving through a green light, oblivious to the danger barreling toward us, when BAM! everything changed, we'd be damned leery when crossing intersections again. We might even refuse to drive a car again. Who on EARTH can expect any betrayed spouse to feel secure and safe in the midst of such insanity?

You can't trust your beloved now because you can't trust your beloved now! Period. This isn't necessarily a permanent state. But you'll only know by living through it. Watch his efforts and his sincerity in recovery. Then, do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. With consistency on HIS part, you will learn to trust again, or will at least learn to practice a "functional" level of trust.

I am not far enough yet to know if I, or any of us, will ever be as trusting as we were before this; I think we may have to settle for being forever changed/damaged in that respect. That is a deeply depressing thought for me. I truly mourn that security and blissful confidence in my beloved. Even more so, I miss the feeling that I could trust my own judgements and perceptions. It's been a sort of death for me.

I simply don't know how the trust and security thing comes about for us, but sure do welcome the input of supporters who've trudged this path longer than I.

Godspeed!
herowannabe

P.S. To me, having a bad year is losing a job, an illness, having moles destroy the front yard, having the furnace go out in January, etc. Our spouses' acting out i.e. affairs, porn addiction, compulsive masturbation, hiring prostitutes, alcoholism/drug abuse, giving us STDs or worse, ect, constitutes a bad HEAD... IMHO.



Edited by herowannabe (02/23/12 07:15 PM)
_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386966 - 02/23/12 07:29 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Esposa
.....I want a firm foundation now...


right. and you deserve one esposa -- of course we all do. smile i do. every guy and girl here does... if he is willing to work for it.

i find the "nuclear fall out" from childhood abuse so devastating - so unnecessary and painful. so the rapist wins in that his victim ultimately never reaches full potential in career, in marriage, in child rearing, etc. and i have a feeling that basic sympathy for abuse becomes more important than being responsible for our own happiness.

maybe it is worth defining what "trust" means for you. idk i'm not there in your house with you two. maybe he needs to tell you every time he has some urge to act out. again, idk. what are your rules? what is important to make you feel sane and comfortable moving forward? in my view, that is just as important as his desire and/or work in the recovery process.

_________________________
Jeff

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#386978 - 02/23/12 09:04 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: westchesterguy]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
Ahhh Jeff... what does trust mean for me....

You can't read an infidelity book without seeing "Your marriage has a great chance to be better than before..." And this is one of those things - defining trust, defining expectations. Those are the things that make a better relationship, if you can survive the pain and do what hero says and stick with it, day by day.

We take trust for granted. Until you are burned, you don't even really realize that it is the glue that binds. And maybe this is true for those that violate trust too, until you burn someone you love, you simply didn't know what you had. That unspoken intangible...

Trust for me means that I can count on the fact that your words and actions match, that they are congruent. Pipe dream?


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#386987 - 02/23/12 10:09 PM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
This is the longest I've gone since may 22 without melting down. I should believe my husband (as far as I can tell he's been truthful) but I choose to act as though I believe him even though I don't. He is wise to me (he "gets" me) and says "you are worried about my out of town business trip". It is what it is. This is our life now. Seeds of doubt waiting to be watered. It's not what I want for myself but loyalty is. Our husbands are sick. If mine is trying to get well, then I'll honor my sickness and in health vow. I wish I trusted him. I wish I could believe him. I wish I knew who this liar is that morphed into what I see now.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#387015 - 02/24/12 01:15 AM Re: Can you just have a bad year? [Re: GoodHope]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Esposa. Your husband did not just have a bad year. He had many bad years. Unfortunately, you were married to him during some of those many bad years and he lied to and betrayed you. It would be insane on your part to just chalk things up to having a bad year and think he can just magically change into someone he never was.

If, and only if, you wish to hear more of what I have to say on the subject, I will post it in another thread called, What Now. What I say may upset those of you who have been betrayed. Take it for what it's worth.

Good luck. You both have much to overcome and you both deserve to know healing.



Edited by Jim1104 (02/24/12 01:43 AM)
Edit Reason: Wanted to keep controversy off this thread.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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