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#386719 - 02/21/12 04:20 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: annie123]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Hi Annie. smile I hope all is well with you. First off I wanted to thank you and other supporters out there who are trying to understand us and help us.

In one way or another it helps all of us survivors out there even if not directly. To know that there are those who are truly trying to help and are willing to help means more than can be said in words.

As far as sharing, I can only speak for myself, but for me it is a growth experience too. As odd as it sounds, even the ones who didn't believe me, or even the ones who rejected my pain still helped me.

How could someone who rejected my pain actually help me? Trust me, it has taken a while to get to this place, and it still hurts, but I realize and have learned, that everyone has their own problems, hang ups, insecurity, etc. Not just me.

So if someone is mean and heartless by not caring for me it actually reminds me to care more. Not for their abuse or lack of love, please don't get me wrong. It reminds me to learn to care and love myself, and especially to those who are burdened with pain and sorrow and actually cry out for help.

I fully understand the fear and pain of being rejected, not believed, etc. It has taught me to be more compassionate to others and their struggles. It reminds me to not be so judgemental of others and their actions. I still have plenty of work in this area when it comes to the actual jerks in the world, and once again, it does not mean that it's ok.

To me having compassion is not saying that all the errors that people make in life are ok. Compassion means giving them the chance and opportunity to stop and heal, and change and grow. That's what compassion means to me and that is what I have grown to learn.

As far as being a heavy weight we carry around every day, indeed it is. I get triggered a lot and it saddens me. I am such a gentle, loving and caring person who's natural character is to be happy and joyful. But there are too many times I am not because of the immense pain.

A warm and gentle touch should bring positive and loving feelings to me, thankfully, with someone I know and trust it usually does. But it's those times when it instead triggers fear, pain and shame and I start crying or wanting to run, that just hurts me inside in ways I have a hard time explaining. It's not fair to me and it's not fair for those who love me, but it is unfortunately reality for me.

That is when being able to share and explain helps to start to take away the confusion. That's not to say it's easy on anyone, but at least they can have some kind of understanding that it's not them. It's not even me. It's just that there are "dark monsters" that got inside of me and cause me pain.

I say "dark monsters" because when we get abused, parts of us get frozen at the age the abuse occured. That is where inner child work comes in. I have a little 5 year old stuck inside of me, and a 6 yo, etc. The "dark monsters" term was the only way that the little 5 year old boy old inside of me could try to understand things. The sad thing is, he is probably right. I was abused in a satanic ritual once and we are still trying to sift through things in therapy just on that one incident.

The only way we truly heal, is not just through therapy for ourselves, but oddly enough, therapy for the little ones inside of us who got frozen in time and frozen in emotional maturirty.

Healing is a long and often times difficult and very painful road. It makes it even more difficult if we don't have loving support. We all need love. Some are too afraid and too ashamed to ask for it or to even give thanks. That's not to say we aren't thankful or don't care back. It's just saying that the pain sometimes is so bad and soo deep, and we are so afraid inside that we have a hard time coping with it.

All too often we don't feel we deserve love. We try to pretend otherwise, but until we actually work through things, we really don't feel we deserve love. I'm still stuggling with that even though I am working through things so well. Sometimes I just need a warm hug. That goes a long way for my wounded heart, and it does for most of us if we allow it. smile

From a true survivor.

Alex




Edited by Forexpreneur (02/21/12 04:25 PM)

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#386744 - 02/21/12 08:39 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: annie123]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
So if someone is mean and heartless by not caring for me it actually reminds me to care more. Not for their abuse or lack of love, please don't get me wrong. It reminds me to learn to care and love myself, and especially to those who are burdened with pain and sorrow and actually cry out for help


I love this! What a great soul! What a great lesson!

Thanks, Alex!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386748 - 02/21/12 08:48 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: LandOfShadow]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6358
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Why?

Short and sour: Anticipated total devastation to me and all around me.

Reality?

Short and sour: Total devastation to me and all around me.

I'm doing an entire series on disclosure on TheGoodMenProject. You may wish to check it out.

Disclosure #1

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#386755 - 02/21/12 09:26 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: annie123]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
I'm doing an entire series on disclosure on TheGoodMenProject. You may wish to check it out.

Disclosure #1


W-O-W!

Rob, you motivate me with your courage and your brave activism. What actions can I/we take to join you in your efforts to educte? I lack your talent for reaching out online; what else can I do to help bring awareness to society?

God BLESS You, Rob, as He has blessed us with you!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386761 - 02/21/12 10:00 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: herowannabe]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I just found and read your pieces there Robbie. I hope it gets more attention.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#386768 - 02/21/12 10:43 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: LandOfShadow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3301
Loc: back in the USA
Forexpreneur - you're a good man. Makin' lemonade...
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#386773 - 02/22/12 12:09 AM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: traveler]
E-man Offline


Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 8
I personally have only told one person besides talking on this site I have not told friends, mentors, relatives, or parents. I have struggled with this question for a long time and it is one of the main reasons I am here. I think the main reason I don't tell is that no one has a clue so why make it an issue plus the guilt and fear no one likes being rejected certainly not about something so sensitive. I have really never had a girlfriend. I had lots of crushes but I would never tell them how I felt. I finally did tell one girl I liked her but never about my past but she did not want to date. After many years, I told a girl I am friends with about my past because I wanted more from the relationship and thought she should know. Plus she prodded some. I told her a little but it kept coming up until I went into detail. Plus I could only tell her over text I could not have done it in person. She was vary understanding she also had similar problems growing up. I thought things would be great I imagined and hoped we would date and maybe more. I really thought she was the one. It was like she has to be the one since I told her. But that is not what happened we never dated but are still friends. I got supper emotional and would freak out via text whenever she would stop talking for a day or so. I would say anything to get her to talk usually self loathing comments like What did I do wrong? Why are you not talking? It hurts, Where are you? I love you,etc. Plus I would tell her everything good and bad more bad than good. It is and was a weird emotional funk. I am not known for showing my emotions. She finally said we needed space. I cried for days. After a few weeks we started talking again. A little after that she said she was with someone. When she told me that I cried for a day or so. I have really never felt so rejected even though I should not have felt that way. Just because a girl does not want to date should not make me feel like my soul was ripped out but it did. She was really nice the whole time and I still care a great deal for her. I am starting to realize those feelings of rejection go much deeper then getting turned down by a girl. She said I need to love myself first before she could ever think of me as more than a friend. She is right which is why I am here. Part of me wishes I did not tell her because I think things would have worked out because after 20 years you get good at hiding but I am also glad I did. I don't want to have this happen again. Either with her or with someone else. There really is no good time to bring up this kind of stuff which is why we hide it. I fear if I tell someone to early they will get creeped out and leave or I will get clingy again. Or if I wait, I run the chance of ruining an established relationship either by them getting creeped out or by me not being able to handle the emotions. Either way it sucks!!


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#386774 - 02/22/12 12:33 AM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Thank you Lee. smile


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#386775 - 02/22/12 12:34 AM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: herowannabe]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Thank you very much hero. smile


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#386818 - 02/22/12 03:33 PM Re: Why do/don't survivors tell their partner/spouse? [Re: Forexpreneur]
annie123 Offline


Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 11
As a follow up to all the wonderful people who have posted here... I cut and pasted many of your comments about the pros, cons and miscellaneous other aspects of sharing with friends and family into a document.

I sent my survivor friend the document. (And over the past few weeks I have sent him many links and articles that I have found here)

He said that this document - with snippets of your thoughts - actually brought him to tears...more than anything else I had sent him. (And he is NOT someone who cries with ease) My guess is that he could sense your honesty as well as your pain...and because it was so real, could relate to it on his own level.

As much as I hate to see him hurt, I do think that his exposure to the truth and understanding in your comments has helped bring him closer to agreeing to see a therapist. We are still a ways off...but I am so grateful that you all are helping him vicariously through me!

With appreciation,
Annie


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