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#386784 - 02/22/12 03:23 AM tortured? TRIGGER WARNING
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
I was physically tortured a number of ways during the CSA I suffered and I still have body memories of both the CSA and the torture.

I've tried to "rationalize" that my primary abuser physically tortured me to prevent me from disassociating during the CSA but honestly I have no idea why he tortured me.

Was anyone else tortured during the CSA they suffered?

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#386786 - 02/22/12 03:47 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6374
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
That's a tough question to answer for me, as the earlier years were/are considered "torture" to me. The torture, being determined that it was physically painful, mentally horrifying, then that horrid component of the absolute. That is, the "absolute" nature of the events --- no escape. No matter how much I begged these monsters, they simply were not going to give up their warm flesh-toy.

Not being able to beg my way out of a horror, at the starting age of 7-8-yo, was more than I could handle mentally. Thus, I determine it "torture."

Experiencing breath-stopping pain from anal violation was mind-warping surreal. I cried, screamed and begged for them to stop. They never did. I nearly always dissed-out, earlier and quicker with each event (thank God).

I'm truly not attempting to be trite or annoyingly challenging here, but I always considered the entire package to be torture of a small child who never even knew anything like that was possible.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#386787 - 02/22/12 04:12 AM a [Re: Survivinguy]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
A


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/16/13 05:47 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#386808 - 02/22/12 10:59 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lbcali1978]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:52 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#386821 - 02/22/12 04:31 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
We were, but rather discuss that in private, if you want to.


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#386823 - 02/22/12 04:56 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Green Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
It took me a long time to understand that the abuse wasn't just about lust or dominance. It was just pure evil. That is how I have come to understand the torture part.

Harry


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#386824 - 02/22/12 05:09 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1285
I can only speak for myself - there are so many different dynamics in the type of abuse, the perspective of the victim, etcetera, that what I share may have nothing to do with the dynamics you are facing.

My abuser used seduction, manipulation, physical maturity and size, and his pseudo-"older brother" status over me to achieve his aim. When he forced, I would plead with him to stop and he would - but there was no physical "retreat" and really nothing I could do thwarted him from where he wanted to end up. Often times, he was whipped into such a frenzy he wouldn't stop despite my pleas, but I remember thinking precisely during those moments that he didn't really want to hurt me but he just couldn't stop - I was like a drug to him and sometimes his need for a "fix" overwhelmed any sense of self-control. And I knew that when it was happening, even though I understood so little of it - strange as that sounds. I knew he had no self-control - I flat saw right through him even though I was only 12. I watched him do to my sister exactly what he was doing to me. He was just an oversexed ogre and once he plugged in, the electricity flowed and he was just powerless over his own urges.

That's a huge dynamic, because had he been given the tools to deal with his issues - his sociopathic lack of appropriate self control against a strong current of pedophilic desires - I might not be dealing with the garbage he left me, nor would a lot of the girls in the neighborhood.

As a young adult/older teen I managed to be stupid enough to stumble into a situation where I was forced, and to me that met a more pure definition of "physically torture", although others might called it simple forced rape. I don't think it left the lasting scars of my CSA, but it sure as hell hurt about a thousand times more and was just as humiliating - and my screams (unheard in a closed, dark building) just seemed to encourage him. That guy was flat out dangerous - and he thought I was younger than I was, which made him even more so, in my opinion.

I look back on these situations and realize they were about power. But they were also about sex - and I don't buy the "rape is all about power" argument because I think a rapist or a molester is a true sociopathic sexual deviant.

I don't think it was anyone's goal to prevent me from dissociating; in fact, my CSA abuser worked hard to get me engaged and responsive. The ASA abuser didn't care - he just forged ahead and was all about total control. He could have killed me and I really don't think he would have cared. Both of them used techniques that achieved the same aim - make the victim subservient and helpless, feeding the sexual frenzy of the abuser.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#386829 - 02/22/12 06:21 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Green]
PeteN Offline


Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
I was tortured as an adult so Im not sure how much my experience relates to yours. In fact, I consider myself more a victim of torture than rape although there was some of that. I sometimes think I have an easier time dealing with what I went through cause I think of it as having been like a POW thing and that I resisted an enemy.


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#386884 - 02/23/12 01:15 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: PeteN]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Yes I was tortured as a 12-year-old at the boy scout camp.

It was exceptionally cruel. Very damaging.

I reported it here in pufferfish story part 5.

I didn't know the words then. A bunch of it was sadistic sex.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9028#Post219028

What I didn't say there is that a lot of the stuff that was done seems to have come right out of the manual about brain washing that our intelligence people produced after the Korean war. Our (USA) captured servicemen were subjected to brainwashing in North Korea and China. The manual is now available on-line. It has been declassified with the Freedom of Information Act. I have the url but I'm too tired to get it now. The techniques were later refined into what was done in the detention camps in Iraq and Cuba. There are certain techniques used to get information out of prisoners. This implies to me that my abuser had access to manuals which were classified as secret until the 1990's.

Isolation
darkness
kept in bondage
sexual abuse
suffocation
pain
humiliation
starvation for food and water

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (02/23/12 12:58 PM)

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#386891 - 02/23/12 02:45 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
what os all that about puffer??


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#386919 - 02/23/12 11:03 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:53 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#386936 - 02/23/12 02:44 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Yes I was tortured as a 12-year-old at the boy scout camp.

It was exceptionally cruel. Very damaging.

I reported it here in pufferfish story part 5.

I didn't know the words then. A bunch of it was sadistic sex.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9028#Post219028

What I didn't say there is that a lot of the stuff that was done seems to have come right out of the manual about brain washing that our intelligence people produced after the Korean war. Our (USA) captured servicemen were subjected to brainwashing in North Korea and China. The manual is now available on-line. It has been declassified with the Freedom of Information Act. I have the url but I'm too tired to get it now. The techniques were later refined into what was done in the detention camps in Iraq and Cuba. There are certain techniques used to get information out of prisoners. This implies to me that my abuser had access to manuals which were classified as secret until the 1990's.

Isolation
darkness
kept in bondage
sexual abuse
suffocation
pain
humiliation
starvation for food and water

Puffer



There is actually a lot of information online about this.

There is an informative article in Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Army_and_CIA_interrogation_manuals#cite_note-WP-1

Following are excerpts:

Quote:
These manuals recommend arresting suspects early in the morning by surprise, blindfolding them, and stripping them naked. Suspects should be held incommunicado and should be deprived of any kind of normal routine in eating and sleeping. Interrogation rooms should be windowless, soundproof, dark and without toilets.


Quote:
The manuals describe coercive techniques to be used "to induce psychological regression in the subject by bringing a superior outside force to bear on his will to resist." These techniques include prolonged constraint, prolonged exertion, extremes of heat, cold, or moisture, deprivation of food or sleep, disrupting routines, solitary confinement, threats of pain, deprivation of sensory stimuli,


My experience conformed to most of these conditions.

Puffer


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#386944 - 02/23/12 04:16 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: pufferfish]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
I wanted to repost in this thread just to say thanks to everyone who replied.

I know it's a slippery slope for me to withdraw and isolate when I think about all that happened to me. I know when I withdraw and isolate - I get to a point of such depression and desperation to "control" the memories and pain that I justify using negative coping techniques that are harmful to me in many ways.

Being among survivors of CSA/incest helps eradicate the pull to withdraw and isolate but when I think about the torture - that's a pretty easy way/reason to withdraw/isolate all over again. I was scared when I posted this thread that it would turn out to be a very rare occurrence and that I'd find even more reason to withdraw.

I hate that I have torture in common with anyone, but just the same as coming to realize I wasn't the only one sexually abused as a child, it helps to know I wasn't the only one physically tortured.

TRIGGER

I didn't specifically state the ways I was tortured to avoid further triggering but in light of the other posts I think it's enough to say my torture involved burning and needles.

TRIGGER

And saying that helps too.

Thanks guys

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#386951 - 02/23/12 05:45 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
I always wondered, what is the difference between torture and physicall abuse or getting beaten up. There was loads of thats stuff in my youth but im not sure under what category it falls. Not that it matters much i gues..

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#386984 - 02/23/12 09:55 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
my mother would hold my hand in the fire when i was in 1st grade


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#386989 - 02/23/12 10:13 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: little big man]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
i think abuse is anything harmful - a big heading with numerous sub-categories.
i think torture is a sub-category with elements that are more systematic and premeditated and deliberate.
i think getting beat up is another sub-class - more due to the offender's spontaneous loss of control or a reaction to anger, in the heat of the moment, often as a perceived fight or "teaching a lesson".

But of course all of them overlap...
and whatever you all it - it's all bad and leaves long-lasting scars - whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual - often all of the above.
Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#387057 - 02/24/12 09:27 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: little big man]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6374
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: little big man
my mother would hold my hand in the fire when i was in 1st grade


I'll never understand people.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#387064 - 02/24/12 10:41 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:54 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387398 - 02/26/12 05:51 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
There was of course the belt, mostly by my father.
But also whatever was close enough, ranging from a chair to kitchen utensils. Kicking, hitting with the fist or throwing me against the wall, not feeding us, kicking us outside for the night even in the middle of the winter sometimes, yelling, burning me with cigarettes, feeding me drunk or forcing me to take pills that would knock me out or would make me lose controll of my body but still be able to feel and hear and see everything, you name it.. Some of it was in drunken rage, sometimes it was to teach me or punish me.
They rented me out to other people too and some of them were sadistic bastards, others tried to 'befriend' me, some saw me more as like i was a doll and just got it done and over with quick. Sometimes they taped me or made pictures. If i didnt do it right or if i complained or cried, boy would i be sorry afterwards..

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#387402 - 02/26/12 06:50 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Drop]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
Yeah - belt for me too. it was always available for spur-of-the moment whippings. and switches in the non-snowy season. that could be more liesurely and premeditated. worse when i had to go out and cut them myself... had to get one strong & supple enuf to satisfy him without killing myself. and enemas - to clean me out because i was so bad and dirty. hated those the most. i think the worst tho was waiting alone in a room for what seemed like forever, knowing he was coming and fearing what was ahead...

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#387420 - 02/26/12 08:12 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
There was some discussion about having a forum for survivors of abuse that included violence. Having been the victim of both at 11, I was supportive of that because each has to be approached in its own way. The sexual abuse is one thing and the violence with it is another.

In my case. the physical torture lasted for a few hours when I resisted anal sex. Them it was swift and cruel, a heavy blow to the head that cracked my eye socket. I was so stunned that it took several hours to recover. In the meantime, he got what he wanted.

I had to work through the sexual issues first. That took a few years. Then the next layer of violence and torture could be handled. It did't seem as important as dealing with the sexual part until I was through that. Now it's important. The sexual abuse humiliated me but the violence made be fearful and feeling vulnerable. I'm still working on that.

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#387421 - 02/26/12 08:19 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:54 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387439 - 02/26/12 09:47 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
StAiNeD Offline


Registered: 06/27/11
Posts: 17
Loc: The Bronx
There was all of that. And there were the chains. It will be worse if you cry. God help you if you scream.

_________________________
"At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end."

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#387443 - 02/26/12 10:14 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: StAiNeD]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
Survivinguy, Jeff, Robbie, Drop, Little Big Man, Puffer, lbcali, Daniel, Green, Chase Eric, PeteN, Devon, StAiNeD...

I am weeping for each of you. and for myself. i don't think i have cried about it since I was 10 or 11 - the time i decided i wouldn't give that satisfaction ever again of letting him see me react to the pain.

If it's not to much to handle, how did you deal with it?

for years, decades, i laughed about it and pretended that it was just a normal part of growing up - never let on even to myself how bad it really was. But i started to realize when i had kids that i wasn't going to repeat the past with them. only the past few months i admitted the full extent.

Lee

_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#387543 - 02/27/12 07:22 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: traveler]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Disassociation for all the pain I could ignore and for the pain from which I couldn't detach - I felt it and screamed and cried and begged for it to stop. None of that ever mattered to anyone and at some point two of my abusers started gagging me so my screams were muffled. The only choice I had after that was to try to forget about it as soon as possible. I couldnt complain about it to anyone because I knew he'd kill me if I did so I'd ignore it after the particular abuse session until the next one. I wanted to be able to make it so they couldn't see I was suffering but the ways they tortured me were just too scary for me to pretend anything. I always told myself I needed to be tougher and that this time I wasn't going to feel pain or cry - but I don't remember being able to do that during torture, I know I did during the rapes later I was able to pretend it didn't hurt or I didn't care but I think that may have been why my primary abuser started to torture me - because raping me wasnt enough anymore.

I still periodically have body memories of the torture with needles and it still really hurts when that comes up. I like to think even the body memores will stop someday.

Likewise Lee, sorry for your sufferings - when I started this thread I was selfishly hoping I wasn't alone and now I'm sorry I wasn't alone in this part of the abuse for all of your sakes.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#387548 - 02/27/12 08:12 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:54 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387573 - 02/28/12 12:16 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1285
My heart goes out to so many here. I don't think my abuse was anywhere near as terrifying as some of the things I have read in this thread. The cruelty and sickness I've seen related in this particular thread of posts is so dark - so overwhelming.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#387617 - 02/28/12 10:52 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Chase Eric]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:54 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387619 - 02/28/12 11:04 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
dissociation. I would focus at a point at the wall and ignore them when they raped me. Sometimes it felt like they were doing it to someone who looked like me, as if i was floating above the scene. Or I would turn inwards into my own happy fantasy world.
I learned to ignore the pain rather quick. Things that make other people puke or pass out just don't really hurt as much to me. As if i could block it out. Doesnt always work though. But explains why i could finish soccerpractice with broken ribs for example.
Of course also i didnt know any better, it had been that way all my life. When i got older and figured out it wasnt so normal I still had my brother to take care off. I went trough all of the abuse because i felt i had to protect him and take care of him. The last thing we wanted was to be seperated from each other. That happened once when i was like 5 or 6 and it wasn't a good experience, either. So being scared of fostercare too, it seemed best to just keep it all a secret and just deal with it till i would be old enough to get out of the house and take care of us both.. Of course things went differently... And when my brother died, i died too.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#387699 - 02/28/12 10:18 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Drop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:54 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387731 - 02/29/12 05:00 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
I'm so sorry Jeff, i can't imagine people do that sort of thing..
Or understand how they get those animals so far that they would do that stuff..

My brother was 13 when he died of leukemia.. I was 15. It's 3 years ago now..

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#387738 - 02/29/12 06:11 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Drop]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
So many sad stories and so many people that were seriously hurt.
It was very hard for me to read all this. I can't stand people without empathy who were capable of doing such cruel things to innocent kids/people. They are lunatics for me and they should be under some life-long surveillance...
I don't know why but I'm always on some alert looking and checking if some bastards would show in public places and especially at places where are children present; that is my regular subconscious procedure.

Drop I'm so sorry that you've lost your brother, it must be very difficult for you frown .

All of you are true heroes!
I'm sending hugs to you my brothers survivors!

Pero


_________________________
My story

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#387755 - 02/29/12 09:49 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: peroperic2009]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:55 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#387823 - 02/29/12 05:44 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
There are even pictures of me on the net from 50 years ago. I never expected that. And there were thousands of pictures taken of me by my best friends sister alone.


Ug - sorry to hear that Jeff - I was photographed as well - our dad made pictures of my brother and I, presumably for the sex ring into which he would trade me.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#387834 - 02/29/12 07:03 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Shit survivinguy. I'm a little drunk or a lot drunk but I really feel so bad to find you in the same boat as me. The probelem is that if some of them aare out ther then all thepictures taken ar out ther. I'm sorry I must go lay dowm.

I figured thousands of pics simply that by eacy phot shoot ther was 10 rolls of film used so that's 360 pics. maybe 2times a week so that s 720 aweek Times lets say on ly 40 weekds a year that's 28080 pics a year. times 9 years (10-18) is 252,720 pics. shit that's a bunch. I know there were more than one photog. so we're talking a lot of pics. I got to go lay down. I'm sorry. I turned into a fucken drunlen monster. I'll be ok in a few hours. And i have a problem with the movies. i was a fucken monster maybe but thats for another time whn i can think.

Peace, Rainbows & healing
Jeff

_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#392140 - 04/04/12 06:44 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I know that this is an older post but I wanted to share a link that discusses this very subject. since I have not been to the sight for a little while.

In the Post I shared a reply but I had a Mod. delete the reply because I felt really scared at the time that one of my abusers could easily recognize some of what I shared, that and the site was down at the time. If it were not, I probably would have just deleted part of it that made me feel exposed.

Anyway it is basically on the same topic and thank God for Pufferfish! He quoted the gist of what I said about the Torture and Mind control, and some of what I know about it having been through it as well.

here is the Link to that Post: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2497#Post322497

Another thing that I want to add is that CSA is Torture all by it self without a doubt, but one can also experience it as a separated thing, again speaking from experience.

Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#392216 - 04/04/12 08:23 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Also, i guess not sharing a little of what happened to me would fraudulent in some ways to you guys.

No details but for those that don't know, and I know some do, but for those that don't I was tied up all off the time and restrained and while restrained beaten and burned and deprived of air so many times that I don't remember how many.

The worst of it for me was being restrain and then tortured with electricty.
This was in disciplinary boot camp, where corporal punishment was a daily occurrence. They use both cattle prods or hot shots and a hand crank generator with alligator clips that they would attach usually to my scrotum and I still have burn scars from this.
This is tough for me to talk about. (deep breath).... well when they used the hand generator I always would beg them not to and they would do it anyway and I would always end up pissing all over myself.

Thats enough for now.

I have a hard and long day and am really drained. sorry. anyway if you want to know more just let me know or just reply here and tell me.

Take guys,
Love,
Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#392226 - 04/04/12 10:52 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Logan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:55 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#392231 - 04/04/12 11:28 PM * [Re: lapchinj]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:04 PM)

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#392234 - 04/04/12 11:41 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
pain is pain - all the same big filthy ball of wax. no partitions, no boxes, no analysis, no labels will ever make it more bearable or understandible or less heinous...
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#392235 - 04/04/12 11:45 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:55 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#392251 - 04/05/12 12:38 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
All,

I want to write a longer reply but it's quite late now.

What impresses me right now is that there are too many people who actually enjoy it when others suffer. To them it doesn't make any difference that they are children or whatever.

There really is a category of people who are sociopathic. They are not properly connected with caring about people. A true sociopath can apparently demand sex and suffering from anybody. Male or female, child or adult. It bothers me that so few people know that this is true. Law enforcement people and people in the judicial system should understand about sociopaths.

I'm told that there might not be a real category of people who are truly psychopathic. Those would be people like Hannibal Lechter, etc. I think that there must be a category of this nature. I thought at first that my abuser when I was 12 must have been psychopathic, but now I think he would be designated as sociopathic.

I have read a couple books on this. The Sociopath Next Door is well written and it gives some detailed descriptions of how undetected sociopaths deeply hurt people they were involved with. It is not depressing to read.

http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/

Puffer

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#392269 - 04/05/12 08:47 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: pufferfish]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:55 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#392421 - 04/06/12 01:22 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 935
Loc: southern California
Yes, severely. It was my father and his friend, every Sat. afternoon while my mother was gone to town with the 2 eldest children.
My father threatened my sister and I while he restrained us with electrician's wire. He restrained and tortured us with tools while his friend watched and laughed. It was like that final scene in "Blair Witch Project" where the boy waits in the corner for his turn to be murdered, except I always had to go first. I would faint and when my father was done with me he'd toss me in the corner like a used condom and have a go at my sister. With me unconscious they had only one kid to tend with during her turn. She was older than me. I was 3 she was 5 when it started.
You're not alone. We share your pain, man.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#392479 - 04/06/12 11:04 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: WriterKeith]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:55 PM)
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#392502 - 04/06/12 03:28 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
yes, i was

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#415796 - 11/09/12 03:09 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Yes. Sometimes as means to make me comply. Sometimes just because they liked torturing me. I learned to dissociate but sometimes it was just too much. I still feel ashamed of the times when I broke.

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