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#384585 - 02/06/12 02:16 PM Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
How do you move forward when you know that your partner is a compulsive liar, born out of the terrible abuse he suffered as a boy? He wants to change but does not think he has the strength or ability to do so. He has hurt me tremendously - lies, an affair, God knows what else - but I want to be here for him, want to support him and invest in our relationship. He is scared to love me out of fear for hurting me anymore. He keeps pushing me away.

I would appreciate any guidance from a partner/spouse who has been dealing with this for some time. While I am seeing a therapist, hearing from others on the frontline or other survivors, is comforting.


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#384600 - 02/06/12 06:11 PM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: keepcalm]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((keepcalm)))

Welcome to a very sad, hurting band of sisters. You are in the company of many who "get it".

I'll try to offer my thoughts and suggestions, which are based on MY experience, of which I am an expert. YOU are the expert of your experience, so please take me with a grain of salt.

How do you move forward?

You are seeing the very worst of your beloved right now. But,you may have a gut understanding that the man who's done all of these horrid things is NOT the real man. It sounds like you know that his actions are not who he is, so you are already moving forward!

Unfortunately, no matter how clearly you can see that good man who is worthy of your committment, HE must trust your perception of him, and get counseling. Only with a therapist knowledgeable of male CSA, will he learn the "why" of his actions. Unless he knows the why of his actions, he won't be able to integrate that wounded boy with his adult self.

That will require him to speak honestly. That's a tall order for someone who has done so much hiding and manipulating. It requires a brave and bold committment to push through the walls he's hidden behind. Maybe the fear of having to do that hard work is what is causing him to push you away?

If he wants to save your relationship, he will have to make a hearty effort to recover from his abuse. If he can't or won't do that, and continues to push you away, you are left in a canoe with only one oar. If it comes to that, you will have to reevaluate your investment in him and in your relationship.

In the meantime, you're doing a good thing in seeing a counselor. Although it is almost insulting to be told to "work on yourself", it is the only constructive thing you have control over. Read books, read stories here at MS, and get your bearings. As you learn more about the effects of CSA into adulthood, and as you learn more about your own strengths, values and limitations, you will become stronger. That strength coupled with your partner's effort at recovery will tell the tale.

I'm so sorry for your heavy heart. Trust that you're going to be okay. Really. We're all here for you, so use us as you will!

I wish you peace-
herowannabe

P.S. You might consider putting your story- warts and all- in the "Introduction" forum. By doing so many survivors will see you and will reach out. Oftentimes, it's so helpful to just get it all out of your head and into print.

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384625 - 02/06/12 08:49 PM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: herowannabe]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
Herowannabe - thank you so much for your reply.

My husband has been in therapy now for two years. He met another woman around the same time who is also a survivor and had an affair with her. While I believe the affair originated from his sexual compulsion, I also learned that he could talk to her about things that I could not relate to with him. So he developed an attachment to her and thinks that it is love. I really don't know.

He built such a huge wall between us but that is all he has ever known. Walls are easy to put up but difficult to take down. Everything is out in the open but he is not sure about anything, let alone our relationship. I have asked him to end things with the other woman, in order to fully see if our relationship will be able to make it. I want to believe that he has done so but we will see.

We are also seeing a couple therapist together and trying to take things one day at at time.


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#384631 - 02/06/12 09:59 PM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: keepcalm]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I apologize for having assumed this was all a new thing for you. I should be asking YOU questions! wink

I think this terrible situation you are in requires just that: asking you questions -not asked in expectation of a response to me, but asked for your consideration.

When I was bobbing in a sea of confusion, my counselor told me that I didn't know what to do because I didn't yet have enough information. That was true. So, I'll ask you to consider:

- Do you feel that embarking on an affair with a fellow survivor indicates your partner was ever sincere in recovering?

- Can you trust he has ended this affair with the intention of turning his full attention to recovery of his compulsions?

- Over his two-years in therapy, have you seen signs of healing and growth, which may (or may not) indicate this affair was just a slip?

I may be missing something here, but it seems that,

a) Your beloved is in a good recovery, but has had a "slip" with this affair. If so, he will want to pull himself back up and will throw himself into recovery with a vengeance, or,

b) He's abandoned authentic recovery, and has made the decision to stay in the muck he's in.

Either way, you are powerless over it... How bitter is that sentence, but it is true, and as bitter as it is, the realization of it will save you and maybe your beloved and your relationship.

Please take a look at www.recoverynation.com. RN is a site that was started by a male survivor of CSA. It's a hands on place where you'll work through "workshops". The workshops contain lessons that will teach you about the mindset of the sexually compulsive/addicted. Each lesson ends with an "assignment" for you to work through. The lessons will help you determine how you can best handle your situation.

The lessons are free, and a "Coach" will provide e-feedback to help you along the way. Or, you can actually pay a fee ($200.00, I think) in order to have a dedicated coach work with you through each lesson.

RN helped me gather the information I needed to make sense of my situation. With that information, I began to move forward in a way that was healthy for me, for my beloved, and helped save our marriage.

Please do keep posting here, too! Someone brighter than me will share pearls of wisdom, for sure!

Godspeed, my friend!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#384649 - 02/07/12 12:35 AM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: keepcalm]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: keepcalm
How do you move forward when you know that your partner is a compulsive liar, born out of the terrible abuse he suffered as a boy? He wants to change but does not think he has the strength or ability to do so. He has hurt me tremendously - lies, an affair, God knows what else - but I want to be here for him, want to support him and invest in our relationship. He is scared to love me out of fear for hurting me anymore. He keeps pushing me away.

I would appreciate any guidance from a partner/spouse who has been dealing with this for some time. While I am seeing a therapist, hearing from others on the frontline or other survivors, is comforting.


Be careful you're not into a co-dependent situation. Always take care of yourself first so you can be strong when need be. Co-dependents No More (think the name) would be a good read. Co-dependent means you are there for only him and not yourself. Best of luck to you. He's lucky. Peace.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#384662 - 02/07/12 04:55 AM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: keepcalm]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Even after disclosure we still had lies to deal with and his inability to trust me. I had to prove over and over again that he could trust me. I stayed, I supported and I loved. I had to remind him constantly. Until we had an appointment with our therapist and I confronted him in the office. In front of our therapist and said I will not be tested anymore. I have proven that I can be trusted and you should not be pushing me away. You are the one who cannot be trusted and I should be pushing you away. I listed all the ways he has hurt me and lied to me. And followed up with my response to each act which was kindness, understanding, love and steadfastness. I pretty much threw down the gauntlet and said decide. He made a change after that but it was not smooth sailing. He has had some setbacks but we finally had some forward momentum going. We continue to have setbacks. But it was an opportunity for him to look at himself and truly look at me. Being forced to make a decision. Most importantly, i established my boundary, i will not be test anymore.
His problem with integrity (integrating these "several selves" into one) has been an ongoing battle. Part of himself that goes for the lies first was in control.
Ask him "who is in control".
This worked for me, every man is different.

** edit section
I saw your response to hero.
We are all fortunate that our husbands did not meet another women with the same experience at the same time they made their disclosure. That' s similar to a pow walking out of a camp with a fellow pow. they share the same horrific experience. I would push for an answer. Push him into a crisis again. This kinship they probably feel is born out of something so ugly and evil. He probably thinks "she understands" him more than you could possibly AND he has the shame to look at every day when he sees you. As hard as this is, I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Make sure your motives are correct and you are taking care of yourself. If this is truly what you want then force his hand. Push the crisis. This could go on for years if you let it.
You can't control what he does but you can control your response. Don't make it comfortable for him. WE change when a situation is too uncomfortable NOT when it is comfortable. He needs to know the loss of your love and support is going to happen if he does not end this relationship. At the end of the day you still have to look at yourself in the mirror and you MUST LIKE what you see.
I wish you well and know that you have many women here who understand all too well what you are going through. We are here to support you as best we can. We don't have answers but we have our experiences to share and hopefully they will be of service to you.

God Bless.

xo
I just said a Hail Mary & prayer of strength and support for you & your husband.



Edited by Anniemy4sons (02/07/12 05:09 AM)
Edit Reason: additional information read
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#386201 - 02/17/12 09:00 PM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: Anniemy4sons]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
The POW analogy is unfortunately correct. Survivors often have an incredibly deep need to be understood and validated, yet at the same time they build an impenetrable wall around them, making it impossible for their loved ones to begin to meet that need. But, all is not lost. Arm yourself with knowledge, learn as much as you can, read the books, insinuate yourself into his world and into his head. Couples therapy is just the thing to do - force him to see that you ARE interested in understanding him and his world. He may gradually relax the walls when he feels like you "get" him. You may have to cannonball the wall to some extent. Unfortunately it's far from fair on you. You are stuck trying to meet his needs while dealing with the hurt and betrayal he has dished out. And he has to want to change too -or at least, he has to WANT to want to change. I hope it works out for you guys. Let us know how things are going if you want to.


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#386247 - 02/18/12 08:54 AM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: keepcalm]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Keep calm

I think that he needs to stop with the excuses. Either you want to heal or you dont. There are no half measures to this thing. If he is going to go into this half hearted then don't bother. I like the expression "He is going to a gun fight with a knife."

CSA recovery takes commitment and courage. A lot of this courage we can get from our partners in the beginning, but as time goes on then we start to develop courage for ourselves, and then we can start to pull the pieces of our lives together.

The deal was in our house, NO LIES. No matter what the truth, it had to be told. "Honey I want to watch porn, I'm getting the desire" Tough thing to tell the wife but it is a MUST.

We have spent our lives Lying about things, it takes time to learn to tell the truth, it is a challenge like all the other things that we have to go through.

The things that you cannot do whilst healing are:
1) Drink
2) Use drugs
3) Use porn
4) Use Prostitutes
5) Have an Affair.
6) LIE

The only addictions tat are maybe permitted are eating, unless you have a serious health issue.
The Six addictions above help to numb feelings and in order to heal from CSA, we need to be able to feel. All these things were done so that we don't have to feel.

So, For you a line needs to be drawn in the sand. You need to lay out what it is that is allowed and what is not allowed. You also need to take back your life, There must be Boundaries and there must be consequences for crossing those boundaries.

Remember that you are now a victim to, and you must look after yourself. Without your strength, his healing journey will be harder.

These things are based on my experience, and my healing with my wife's help. They may or may not be of assistance to you. I hope that they are.
Feel free to PM me anytime.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#386698 - 02/21/12 03:02 PM Re: Learning to Trust/Pushing me Away [Re: whome]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
My husband and I separated last week - my choice. Please see my post today "Asked him to leave." I drew the line in the sand. Thank you for your support.


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